I have no idea how I attract so many…my friends say I am a freak magnet!! I stay indoors a whole lot more now…sad but true.
Thanks for your review.
Poetry / The Human Condition (Analysis)
Before you come any closer, stranger,
There are a few things that I must say.
The world surrounds me with its pain…
I see the anger
I hear the cries.
Predator and Prey.
And which one am I?
I am Predator.
A rabid cur, staring at the moon.
If you could see inside, poor stranger,
Then you would know the danger.
Inside of me dwells murder.
But still…
Let me go a little further.
I am Prey as well,
For inside, love also dwells.
In my heart, there is trust.
You may come now closer, stranger,
If you must.
And so now I must say
Before the thought passes…
Forgive us, Oh Lord,
Forgive us our trespasses
And Protect those that trespass against us.
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jadedpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi there,
Thank you for adding in your comments, though quite bizarre I must say. For it assist the reader in understanding how and where you stand. It is laid out perfectly, he unknowing the danger that lurks deep inside of you, for fear you possibly instead? Very clever and well written. Then you reach in and openly display your tender softness of your soul, beautiful. That takes talent my dear. I applaud your courage a feel for you truly, just for having to go thru this and then even more so, for having the fortitude to display it for all to see. Awesome!
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mrmerris reviewed Version 2 -
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doesn’thaveenough punch, the imagesneed to be sharper, there needs to be more swing to it.am i clear?.if not, yell and i will go into more detail.
MsRose79 reviewed Version 2 -
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A powerful message. Interesting read …Well written!
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 2 -
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Unique context, not a very unique write. (How do you attract so many stalkers?) I think this piece could do without the 6th and 7th line. The rhetorical question with an answer following turned me off to the piece right off the bat. I think it would read a lot better at the start if you put the first 5 lines in one stanza, from there, moving straight to “I am Predator…” as the second stanza.
I also suggest that you consider removing this two liner-
“But still…
Let me go a little further.”
I think you can have four strong five line stanzas here, after removing the floating lines I suggested.
Heathersalberg reviewed Version 2 -
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Intriguing for the persons whom struggle with thier dark and lighter sides of thier personality.To know that there are 2 sides to every coin is a definite plus.You obviously were able to understand and relate to the stranger and both sides of him by understanding both sides within yourself.Your capability to recognize and express both sides of you is very well spoken.Asking forgiveness for both you and your stranger was a definite plus,showing your true understanding for mankind.
ellefie reviewed Version 2 -
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Structure works well, as does the duality of the poem.
In “And which one am I?” – I think it sounds better without the opening “And”. Likewise if you remove “as well” in “I am Prey as well” – it would make it sound punchier.
The ending works well; it draws in the rest of the poem. Nicely done.
libby reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have a lot here that you don’t need. The message is strong and clear, but to make this poem solid you need to remove much of what is extraneous. The “Predator and Prey” line and the one that follows could be removed, and in the stanzas that elaborate on it, you don’t need to begin with “I am”, just the word and a comma will do fine. I really like the last stanza but the all caps PROTECT looks messy and unprofessional, I don’t think it will help you from a publication standpoint. Good luck wherever you’re going with this.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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If I didn’t read your notes would have I known what your inspiration or subject matter was? No. I would have received a totally different message. I would have seen this as a entreaty to an attractive stranger which is both warning away and asking for a chance at the same time. Knowing different, I would recommend you adding more to this to definitely clarify its intent. Describe the stalker as your prey. Describe how he makes you feel as prey. Make it definite with no possible misinterpretation of its intention.
I find it interesting that you start this with showing how you are sensitive and vulnerable but then you ask us to believe the opposite of this by claiming to be a predator? Is a predator really a murderer? I would rethink that word choice, for it doesn’t fit the metaphor. I don’t think you pull off the transition from being sensitive to being capable of killing well. Recommend if you decide to take my first suggestion, find a way to make the transition smoother and more believable, show a metamorphis in a way.
Good luck.
Joel reviewed Version 2 -
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In the fifth stanza, the ‘stranger’ to ‘danger’ is awkward.
The use of ‘stranger’ so much in the poem is, as well, difficult. It isn’t in the use of a repeated word, it is that the word ‘stranger’ is just to accented to me. It takes my attention away from the poem like fingernails on a chalkboard take my attention away from a conversation.
I do like the poem, don’t get me wrong. But I think you really need a more complicated rhyming scheme.
You have something good to work with here. It deserves to not be cloistered in a drawer and left as a trophy of a past event.
Joel.
Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall, a very good read. You want to watch the consisterncy of your rhyme scheme – ocassional rhymes work for lyrics but are harder to make work in free form poetry. Try changing “Then you would know the danger” to “Then you would know the risk” and “If you must.” to “If you dare.” and see how that works for you. Lerave the rhyme at the end of the poem alone – used there, from a reader’s perspective, it adds impact to familiar words. I can completely sympathize with this piece. Good work.
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