Wow, I’ll have to remember that. Thanks you, also, for your advice; I will certainly look it over.
As to stalkers, i’ve had several(peeping toms also) and i really wish i knew…i mean i really do. for example, a couple of weeks ago, i was in the hospital and the man across the hall got busted sneaking in my room at 5am. i had my back to the door-no clue. an tech stopped him but they released me early because he WOULD NOT stop. I have asked shrinks, therapists, friends, etc. but no one has a real answer….but again, i really wish i knew because i rarely leave my house anymore because i dont feel safe anywhere. oh well, if these things must happen, i would rather it be me than someone i loved. it has changed me though and that pisses me off. Sorry, i’m rambling on.
Thanks again for your insight,
kat
Poetry / The Human Condition (Analysis)
Before you come any closer, stranger,
There are a few things that I must say.
The world surrounds me with its pain…
I see the anger
I hear the cries.
Predator and Prey.
And which one am I?
I am Predator.
A rabid cur, staring at the moon.
If you could see inside, poor stranger,
Then you would know the danger.
Inside of me dwells murder.
But still…
Let me go a little further.
I am Prey as well,
For inside, love also dwells.
In my heart, there is trust.
You may come now closer, stranger,
If you must.
And so now I must say
Before the thought passes…
Forgive us, Oh Lord,
Forgive us our trespasses
And Protect those that trespass against us.
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I like your poem, it flows well and it has something to say. You paint a good picture of the complexity of human nature. I’m not sure I understood “protect” in the last line though. I also think being angry or fearful isn’t the same as being crazy or “rabid.” I think you should get rid of the word “rabid” and substitute something more typical instead. We all feel anger and fear which is different from being sick or crazy.
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I can dig it. Its a bit choppy but I definatly feel some of the frustration coming through. You made some good choices with the wording. I think you might want to break up the lines and make them into their own individual lines. It will help to quicken up the pace of the poem which should give it a more tense and energetic feel to it. The last two stanza bring the whole piece together nicely. If you can go back through it and add some feelings that you have towarad the situation it also may give it some more intensity. Interesting topic I enjoyed it.
I believe it was Mort Sahl who said that the difference between men and woman had been reduced to the difference between victim and victimizer. This is an interesting angle on how easily the roles reverse…
A possible follow-up: what qualities about you attract these lunatics?
“But still let me go further” breaks the tension and dramatic flow of the poem too much-I would suggest leaving it out…
A powerful message. Interesting read …Well written!
Unique context, not a very unique write. (How do you attract so many stalkers?) I think this piece could do without the 6th and 7th line. The rhetorical question with an answer following turned me off to the piece right off the bat. I think it would read a lot better at the start if you put the first 5 lines in one stanza, from there, moving straight to “I am Predator…” as the second stanza.
I also suggest that you consider removing this two liner-
“But still…
Let me go a little further.”
I think you can have four strong five line stanzas here, after removing the floating lines I suggested.
Intriguing for the persons whom struggle with thier dark and lighter sides of thier personality.To know that there are 2 sides to every coin is a definite plus.You obviously were able to understand and relate to the stranger and both sides of him by understanding both sides within yourself.Your capability to recognize and express both sides of you is very well spoken.Asking forgiveness for both you and your stranger was a definite plus,showing your true understanding for mankind.
I like it, the ending is strong. Only suggestion would be to eliminate danger at the end of line 11. Line 18 is a good twist, I love the fact that you invite the stranger to come near you, and am suddenly reminded of the previous stanza. Very strong, thank you for sharing
Structure works well, as does the duality of the poem.
In “And which one am I?” – I think it sounds better without the opening “And”. Likewise if you remove “as well” in “I am Prey as well” – it would make it sound punchier.
The ending works well; it draws in the rest of the poem. Nicely done.
In the fifth stanza, the ‘stranger’ to ‘danger’ is awkward.
The use of ‘stranger’ so much in the poem is, as well, difficult. It isn’t in the use of a repeated word, it is that the word ‘stranger’ is just to accented to me. It takes my attention away from the poem like fingernails on a chalkboard take my attention away from a conversation.
I do like the poem, don’t get me wrong. But I think you really need a more complicated rhyming scheme.
You have something good to work with here. It deserves to not be cloistered in a drawer and left as a trophy of a past event.
Joel.
Overall, a very good read. You want to watch the consisterncy of your rhyme scheme – ocassional rhymes work for lyrics but are harder to make work in free form poetry. Try changing “Then you would know the danger” to “Then you would know the risk” and “If you must.” to “If you dare.” and see how that works for you. Lerave the rhyme at the end of the poem alone – used there, from a reader’s perspective, it adds impact to familiar words. I can completely sympathize with this piece. Good work.
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