thank you so much for reading. i will definately chew over your suggestions. i’m glad you enjoyed it – overall – i think :)
Poetry / The Human Condition
Before you come any closer, stranger,
There are a few things that I must say.
The world surrounds me with its pain…
I see the anger
I hear the cries.
Predator and Prey.
And which one am I?
I am Predator.
A rabid cur, staring at the moon.
If you could see inside, poor stranger,
Then you would know the danger.
Inside of me dwells murder.
But still…
Let me go a little further.
I am Prey as well,
For inside, love also dwells.
In my heart, there is trust.
You may come now closer, stranger,
If you must.
And so now I must say
Before the thought passes…
Forgive us, Oh Lord,
Forgive us our trespasses
And PROTECT those that trespass against us.
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jadedpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi there,
Thank you for adding in your comments, though quite bizarre I must say. For it assist the reader in understanding how and where you stand. It is laid out perfectly, he unknowing the danger that lurks deep inside of you, for fear you possibly instead? Very clever and well written. Then you reach in and openly display your tender softness of your soul, beautiful. That takes talent my dear. I applaud your courage a feel for you truly, just for having to go thru this and then even more so, for having the fortitude to display it for all to see. Awesome!
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mrmerris reviewed Version 2 -
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doesn’thaveenough punch, the imagesneed to be sharper, there needs to be more swing to it.am i clear?.if not, yell and i will go into more detail.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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If I didn’t read your notes would have I known what your inspiration or subject matter was? No. I would have received a totally different message. I would have seen this as a entreaty to an attractive stranger which is both warning away and asking for a chance at the same time. Knowing different, I would recommend you adding more to this to definitely clarify its intent. Describe the stalker as your prey. Describe how he makes you feel as prey. Make it definite with no possible misinterpretation of its intention.
I find it interesting that you start this with showing how you are sensitive and vulnerable but then you ask us to believe the opposite of this by claiming to be a predator? Is a predator really a murderer? I would rethink that word choice, for it doesn’t fit the metaphor. I don’t think you pull off the transition from being sensitive to being capable of killing well. Recommend if you decide to take my first suggestion, find a way to make the transition smoother and more believable, show a metamorphis in a way.
Good luck.
Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall, a very good read. You want to watch the consisterncy of your rhyme scheme – ocassional rhymes work for lyrics but are harder to make work in free form poetry. Try changing “Then you would know the danger” to “Then you would know the risk” and “If you must.” to “If you dare.” and see how that works for you. Lerave the rhyme at the end of the poem alone – used there, from a reader’s perspective, it adds impact to familiar words. I can completely sympathize with this piece. Good work.
blimprueredux reviewed Version 1 -
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I believe it was Mort Sahl who said that the difference between men and woman had been reduced to the difference between victim and victimizer. This is an interesting angle on how easily the roles reverse…
A possible follow-up: what qualities about you attract these lunatics?
“But still let me go further” breaks the tension and dramatic flow of the poem too much-I would suggest leaving it out…
dragonbite reviewed Version 1 -
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I can dig it. Its a bit choppy but I definatly feel some of the frustration coming through. You made some good choices with the wording. I think you might want to break up the lines and make them into their own individual lines. It will help to quicken up the pace of the poem which should give it a more tense and energetic feel to it. The last two stanza bring the whole piece together nicely. If you can go back through it and add some feelings that you have towarad the situation it also may give it some more intensity. Interesting topic I enjoyed it.
ellefie reviewed Version 2 -
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Structure works well, as does the duality of the poem.
In “And which one am I?” – I think it sounds better without the opening “And”. Likewise if you remove “as well” in “I am Prey as well” – it would make it sound punchier.
The ending works well; it draws in the rest of the poem. Nicely done.
Heathersalberg reviewed Version 2 -
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Intriguing for the persons whom struggle with thier dark and lighter sides of thier personality.To know that there are 2 sides to every coin is a definite plus.You obviously were able to understand and relate to the stranger and both sides of him by understanding both sides within yourself.Your capability to recognize and express both sides of you is very well spoken.Asking forgiveness for both you and your stranger was a definite plus,showing your true understanding for mankind.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 2 -
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Unique context, not a very unique write. (How do you attract so many stalkers?) I think this piece could do without the 6th and 7th line. The rhetorical question with an answer following turned me off to the piece right off the bat. I think it would read a lot better at the start if you put the first 5 lines in one stanza, from there, moving straight to “I am Predator…” as the second stanza.
I also suggest that you consider removing this two liner-
“But still…
Let me go a little further.”
I think you can have four strong five line stanzas here, after removing the floating lines I suggested.
MsRose79 reviewed Version 2 -
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A powerful message. Interesting read …Well written!
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