The item you were looking for was deleted.

Novel Treatments / Who is the King of Beasts

        Sitting on Pious Rock, his left elbow on his raised knee, the thick carrying strap of his hunting rifle swinging slightly underneath his right elbow, Paul Radford trained the cross-hairs of his scope across the body-littered ground.  Within that dark magnified circle, finding the boma alive with bloodhawks and hyenas tearing at the grayed human flesh, he spied on the dead and dying, seeing first a bald pate exploded under a high-impact round, seeing next a khaki-shirted chest wheezing bubbles of steaming blood from a punctured lung; turning the focus on the scope, he sighted a sun-bronzed back gored red under repeated rifle fire.  As he swept the cold muzzle of his rifle across the scene,  barely noting the still burning trucks and trailers, the wind-borne remnants of tents, stores and a movie set, he took careful aim on the lion hunkering on its belly, shaking its black voluminous mane as it worried a bedraggled arm off a young black woman who, still alive, was screaming in anguished pain and horror.  He fired.
        The bright morning air above the boma exploded into a flurry of black wings and curved red beaks.  The lion, having taken the shot below the shoulder, rolled angrily to its side, as if violently pushed, then stormed up on all four legs, bracing itself with unsheathed claws against the invisible intruder that had dared challenge it for the still-warm meat…while the naked woman, not yet fallen into shock from the loss of blood, mewled on her belly underneath it.  The sharp report echoed against the walls of the ridge and, in echoes, kept the bloodhawks in air, stirring the funnels of oily smoke.  As the echoes of that rifle shot dwindled to naught, the small packs of hyenas, which had bounded back from the isolated puddles of carcasses and wounded men at the first sound of gunfire, skulked back, their wriggling snouts searching that acrid air for who or what had disturbed their orgy of meat.
        The young girl beside Radford, naked but for a blanket that was partially open past the upward sweep of her legs, shivered again in the face of wholesale carnage, smelling the appalling stink of it just below the dusty bluffs.  Petite M’Abele patted the blanket down at the cross of her legs, as if to keep the snaking stench from invading her nether regions, her unfulfilled desires.  She looked to the white man raising the barrel of his rifle to the sky, the wooden stock now down on his bare knee, then looked down at herself again, wondering if she was woman enough for such a man.  “Did you get him, Mister Paul?”
        Down below, the lion snuffled the air, finding the smell of the man and the girl within the various odors of cordite, burnt cloth and sizzled rubber, all of it masked under the sweet smell of coagulant blood.  Steam from its exhalations rising from its nostrils in the warming air, bristly whiskers hanging heavy with crimson droplets of the young woman’s blood, it raised a forepaw to tramp toward its assailant, only to become aware of the bullet at its shoulder, blood of its own now spurting under pressure of a daunted heart before commingling with that of the dead and dying.
        Radford stood up, letting the lion see him in silhouette against the morning sun.  “I got him,” he answered simply, assured of his skill, his kill.  When the beast roared in defiance and pique, seeing him now as the cause of its deadly wound, which pulsed blood in ever-increasing spurts down its left foreleg, Radford shouldered the rifle and began his descent from the bluffs.  A meter down, he stopped and looked over his shoulder as he realized the young citoyenne wasn’t following.
        “Can I go back to the jeep?”  Petite asked meekly, holding her hand out in the direction of the path through the rocky ridge, indicating her way back to the peaceful clean air of the waterhole.  “I don’t like it here.  There are spirits about, vengeful spirits that will do us harm.”
        “There are clothes down there for you:  a shirt, pants, shoes.  Don’t you want them?”  When she remained stock still, unwilling to be persuaded, he turned his back on her and continued scuffing down the slippery slope, scrambling among the rocks and shrubs for handholds before letting gravity force him into a short run down to the base of the bluffs.  With a few more strides, his trekking boots now raising wisps of dust at the worn heels, he made it to the edge of the boma, much of it crushed under the track of tanks and trucks, the body of a white man fallen in the thorns, his civil war slouch cap only decimeters from his bloodied face, urine and what else besmirching his trousers.  Holding his rifle at the ready while hyenas circled around and away from him, Radford padded across the thorn brush to the bloodied grounds, his boots tinkling the brass casings of dispensed ammunition, sun-brightened under wisps of boot-borne dust.
        “Mister Paul,” Petite called from Pious Rock, shifting her weight from foot to bare foot.  “Can you get me a shirt, a big shirt?”
        He paused, if only for a moment to consider her request, before continuing on to the next body in his line of sight, all the while keeping his eyes on the black-maned lion, teetering now on three legs, its left forepaw raised off the ground, the woman pinned underneath the creature crooking her neck to stare with round dark eyes, beseeching him to hurry.
        Whatever it was thinking ~ if it was thinking, certainly believing the man was coming to engage it in a contest that would be the end of one or the other ~ the lion sheathed and unsheathed the claws of its left forepaw, perhaps gauging how effective that deadly defense would actually be, knowing it needed its stronger right forepaw to hold it up against the coming onslaught of raw nerve and muscle, predator to prey.  While watching him tread slowly across the bloodied ground, ever closer ~ waiting for him to pounce, to engage in a mortal contest of wills to live, to survive, to feast another day ~ it fixed him eye to eye, seeing there the assurance of victory, of battle cleanly finished, past and soon forgotten, fixed him eye to eye only to see him break eye contact and stare down at the riddled body of a man in cowboy boots, faded jeans under leather chaps, and a red-and-orange checkered shirt.
        With the toe of his mud-caked boot, Radford flipped the body onto its back, noting the three bullet holes in the lower abdomen but none across the belly or chest.  Leaning on his rifle, he went down on one knee and unbuttoned the shirt, worked the man’s arms out of the sleeves and, in whipping it off him, flipped him over once again onto his front, leaving the cowboy barebacked, the skin translucently white with the blood drained from it.  Shaking the jumble of flannel to its full length, one of the tails slightly blooded, he flopped the shirt over his shoulder and stood up, hefting the rifle now by the breech.  His fingers far from the trigger, he began walking again towards the lion, no other stops in between, while the woman tried to claw out from underneath the beast with her remaining arm, sniveling all the while, hurting, wondering why he wasn’t hurrying.
        Whatever it was thinking ~ if it was thinking, slavering bloody saliva in a long gooey trail onto the mangled arm on which it had been feeding ~ the lion smelled the arrogant confidence in the man approaching him, noting the difference in the man’s smell from that of the woman underneath it, of her black meat adrenalized in fear while his, that white flesh bronzed under African sun, exuded only the sweat of calm assurance, of a final triumph.  The lion flared its ears back and bared its yellowed fangs, preparing to mete battle with the full force of its nature, even as the man came closer, ever closer, breathing easily, comfortably unafraid, stopping only when the steam of their intermingled breath rose between them.
        Staring at its wide-set eyes, overshadowed by an unruly black forelock, he watched it slowly unsheathe its claws and knead the bloody earth in imitation of mauled flesh, its challenge to him, in defiance of an easy kill.  In response, Radford raised his chin at the creature, king of beasts.  Though the woman begged in spittle blasts to be freed of the heavy weight on the back of her legs, he simply returned the glowering glare from the monstrous killer, his right hand taut on the handle of his knife, still sheathed in the scabbard at his belt.  For the longest time, he watched those tawny orbs until they slowly glazed and closed over the vertical slits in the center of each eye.  He raised his mud-clumped boot and, placing it against the lion’s shoulder, pushed, toppling it over…dead.
        “Is it…?  Is it…?” she woman immediately wailed, trying to claw herself out from under the heavy weight, the fingernails of her good arm scratching into rock and earth, the other arm lying lifeless only decimeters from her face, bare bone and tendons exposed.  “Help me!”
        He took a backward step, the better to see her face which had been mauled to mush, the scalp partially hanging over her left eye.  “I’m sorry,” he apologized, raising the barrel of his rifle to her temple, close enough to touch her.  You wouldn’t want to live like this.”

You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.

Reviews

Sort Reviews by  Newest |  Oldest |  Highest Quality |  Lowest Quality |  Newest Comments | 

 
jhmckeogh avatar General Stranger

March 15, 2008

jhmckeogh

personal info reviewer stats
jhmckeogh reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

your descriptive detail is nearly unparrelleled.  Kudos on that.  Everything popped, was vivid, it was like watching a movie.  As far as the character of radford goes, i didnt see too much of him in this piece.  we see a hunter, looking through the scope of the rifle.  To be honest, the biggest character portrayed here is the lion.  Deliciously portrayed.  If you didn’t tell me the villian was radford, i’d think him the hero  Rescuing some indigent from certain doom, a naked indigent.

So, have i encountered a character like this before?  Surely i have.  I got an Allen Quartermain feel to him, but that might just have been the setting, the circumstances.  I dont mean to be critical, because this was a very good snapshot of a post climatic scene, i just didnt seen much characteraziation at all.  

Good work, all in all.

James

kurt_canty avatar General Stranger

March 14, 2008

kurt_canty Prolific-icon-medium

personal info reviewer stats
kurt_canty reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I am curious as to why Radford shot a healthy lion as opposed to sparing the woman a long slow agonizing death.  Reading further he finally did what a reasonable man would have done first.  Radford doesn’t seem like much of a villain.

It was a heavy read for me.  You choice of words in my opinion restricted the story natural flow.  It read slow and heavy for me, not the way I am used to something as action packed as this.  It also seemed odd that Radford didn’t first dispatch his prey before retrieving a shirt for the little girl.  

Maybe it is me but the imagery didn’t sit well with me either.  Maybe because is seemed so stereotypical and cliche, almost Tarzan-esque.  

metaphoricalsimile avatar General Stranger

March 14, 2008

metaphoricalsimile

personal info reviewer stats
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Instead of “coagulant blood,” you should probably use the word “coagulated.”

Instead of saying “urine and what else” why don’t you just say “urine, feces, and blood.”  Even though it’s not told from a first-person perspective, it does seem to be largely from Radford’s perspective, and I don’t think he’d be afraid to call things as they are.

Some of your descriptions have a tinge of racism which makes it difficult for me to like Radford.  Especially the part about the woman whose arm is missing having “black flesh adrenalized in fear,” compared to Radford’s white flesh which exudes confidence.  Although it’s a description of the two character’s physical characteristics, it still carries a heavy implication that the “white” flesh is superior.

jalvah avatar General Stranger

March 13, 2008

jalvah

personal info reviewer stats
jalvah reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Overall, I think the writing is very good. It reminds me of Hemingway a little. But it’s hard to tell how I feel about the story without a grander view of it. I think the Radford character is somewhat cliche, but, oddly, that’s what I like about him. I think he is interesting and has some potential with the seeming battle between his altruism and what I take to be his ego. It is a very fine line you’re walking with the character and I can appreciate that.
I don’t have any major suggestions other than to say that you should keep on going with it if it’s not already finished. I would be very curious to read more and learn what the story is.

ewilly75 avatar General Stranger

March 12, 2008

ewilly75

personal info reviewer stats
ewilly75 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

this is difficult to critique not knowing more of the story.  i have previously read one chapter to this novel but it doesn’t seem applicable here.  given your notes, i’m looking to review this by looking at Radford, but there isn’t enough in this chapter to provide much insight at all.  you say he’s the villain, but he has a girl he rescued with him.  the entire piece is action, so i cannot get a sense about Radford.

otherwise the piece is strong.  it has good pacing, imagery, vocabulary, and all spelling, grammar, and punctuation seems largely in order.

i_luv_da_lah avatar General Stranger

March 12, 2008

i_luv_da_lah

personal info reviewer stats
i_luv_da_lah reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

very visual descriptions of the horrors Radford sees along his survey of the havoc previously caused. i did not expect to see compassion from the character as implied in the end (taking the mutilated woman’s life), and yes his killing her was a sure sign of him having a “heart” (in addition to grabbing the shirt from the dead body for Petite – albeit the scenario wasn’t the most romantic); i just don’t understand why Petite was attracted to Radford (was it fear or the fact that they only had each other?). i liked the visualization of the treatment, however some descriptions could have been ommitted (i.e. “the scalp partially hanging over her left eye”). overall the story kept me interested and allowed me to see it in my mind’s eye

avedis avatar General Stranger

March 12, 2008

avedis

personal info reviewer stats
avedis reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The cold, hardened, cynical, almost brutally efficient villain is not new to fiction, but that is not important.
Your ability, as author, to own that character is the criteria – and so far you are doing very well.
Is he the villain (one we can sympathize with), or more the anti-hero in your story?
You have built the scenes well, built Radford well. Possibly too well if you want him the type of villain people like to hate. He is actually very engaging.
In terms of story, this is a snippet and not enough to fully judge, but so far so good.
I think that there is one major failing.
You have built the scene, and the tension, with the lion very well. A lot of time, description and reader investment. Yet, the demise is so fast, a total anticlimax. First, the change from active challenger to dead is far too rapid to be believable. Maybe an aneurysm would bring about such a rapid change, but not blood loss. More important, it is such an anti-climax, not a satisfying one.
The writing style is good, no obvious major editing required.
Very good so far, totally engaging.

Showing 1 - 7 of 7

Creator
wulfenstraat avatar

wulfenstraat

Age: 51
Loc: Carson, CA
Gen: M
Last Login: October 24
Relevant Links
Item Stats

GENERAL

7 Reviews 11 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago

REVIEW QUEUE

Appeared in Queue: 147 Times
Skipped: 3 Times
Large_criteria Ratings & Rankings
Tags

There are no tags for this item.