Hmmmm… everyone assumes this is about a specific person… The mouldy teddy bear idea is a good one.
Wandering does infer seeking, introspection, etc, but as the second halves of the stanzas are the ironic ones, it’s like an opposite day thing.
Poetry / Games
Pretend with me today
That burning in your filthy loins
Is truly pure love
Bleeding from your holy heart
That maggot crusted lies
Which tumble from your rotting lips
Are really shining truths
Beacons for wand’ring ships
That the stagnant pool of your mind
Was just a broken toy
That you left behind
When you stopped playing games.
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atlasdrugged reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. Certain poems bore me to self-decapitation, but even though this one was short it gripped me by the neck and strangled me until I finished reading it. Then read it again. I’m a fan of the gore. Not horror gore, but metaphorical gore. “The maggot crusted lies/Which tumble from your rotting lips”, my jaw dropped a little there. So frank and full of putrid imagery, it’s shocking in all the best ways. I wish it was a little bit longer, but simply because I think the festering metaphors ended too soon.
Seriously jarring and unsettling. Success.
-Lauren
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chickiemcweird reviewed Version 1 -
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Alright. But why don’t I go to the bathroom first and wash my filthy loins. Then maybe some of our interpersonal difficulties will have resolved themselves.
Truly pure love is a tall order. Don’t cast that first stone into my damp lap. Authenticity is the lines we break along, not enduring perfection.
To me feet wander. Things on tracks or with sails may deviate or derail or be adrift, but wandering is for bipeds. Wandering somehow infers introspection, which necessitates a consciousness.
Holy heart holy hell, Batman are we Catholic.
How about in the stagnant pool? And does it have to be a stagnant pool? I’ve seen so may of those. You want a metaphor that doesn’t move? That has surface scum? That reflects the sky and sunlight murky? Ever seen pickled pig brains in a Mexican market stall?
The necrophiliac aspects of this are wickedly intriguing. I imagine doll parts scattered along the banks of a sluggish watercourse where a rape victim is drowned. Perhaps she took risks which were misunderstood.
Playing games conjures bitterness and manipulation. Perhaps she stopped dressing her dolls or making her Teddy bears picnic lunches.
Did she leave you behind when she left it? Are you a toy too? The sound that makes is mournful, though the anger is more directly expressed. Maybe you should write yourself as a mouldy teddy bear and see what gets unlocked.
Very interesting.
Eris_Lost reviewed Version 1 -
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You certainly have a lot of disgust for the subject in this piece but your imagery is a little too simple. It is easy to craft universally disgusting images for the reader, it takes more skill to write something that would actually hurt someone.
I am not sure why the subject of this piece is so terrible yet you describe their heart as holy. As for the last stanza, stagnant pool and broken toy seem to have very little to do with each other. Try and make these two lines more relevant to one another.
The piece as a whole is a little too short and seems to end abruptly. I think one more stanza would help, maybe give a little more insight for why the subject is so hated, yet has an either actual, or self-proclaimed, holy heart.
fa_su reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice, i really enjoyed reading this.
My favourite lines are probably the lines that i feel don’t contain the same rhyme and rhythm as the rest of the poem:
“Pretend with me today
That burning in your filthy loins
Is truly pure love”.
The second and third stanzas have a melody within them that comes from the rhyming of the first and third line.
It is kind of a shame the frist stanza does not share this, but as i was saying i really like the langauge you’ve expressed, which for me makes up for it.
Protagoras reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good poetry. First line is very commanding in rhythm. And excellent sound contrast on second line. 3rd line is nice and expansive. I’m not so keen on ‘holy’ though. It has an overly religious connotation for me, and though alliterated with heart, just over-commited it to a religious feel for me.
As i re-read stanza 1, i also think that you might need to write ‘That [the] burning in your filthy…’ < do you see the problem
I think in S2 you mean the ‘That’ to follow on from the ‘pretent with me’ from S1. However, it still doesn’t chime quite right. There is cognitive delay. Personally, i don’t think you’d lose anything doing something like ‘And pretend those maggot-crusted lies’ (note also my hyphen, which I think you need there)
In S2 i’d insert a dash, ellipsis, or even semicolon after ‘truths’. I also think you need a two syllable word either before or adfter the word ‘shining’
Then, on the final line of that stanza, I think you need a one syllable word before ‘wand’ring’
Otherwise, the rhythm is unfortunate in that region, which is a special shame given the nice topography of S1.
Ditto with S3, I’d personally do another ‘And pretend the stagnant…’., However, the syllables are all wrong either way. I think the best thing to do is to either alter structure of that stanza so it is not overly repetitious, e.g.
And pretend:
That the stagnant…
But the syllabic problem is in the the latter cluster of words in L2. I think the easiest way to solve it is to write ‘…stagnant pool [inside] your mind’
IN other words, the one syllable increase of ‘inside’ vs. ‘of’ solves the problems, optimising rhythm in that region.
But: the final 3 lines of the poem are really great.
So too was S1. So, if you could just resolve the rhythmical problems of those 2 or 3 lines as outlined, you could bring it to the level of S1 and have something really nice.
But it’s an 8.2 as stands.
Nice work.
malyshka reviewed Version 1 -
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There is a lot of emotion in this. The frustration toward the ignorant, demeaning partner; who will never be anything but a disappointment. And yet you are still there, in the presence of their disgusting desire. I can’t help but feel the author cares for the other, despite the all else, just pertend and I will accept still accept you.
Enjoyable read, well done.
libby reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice images and a very nice style. I would suggest some minor things to you:
add “that” to the end of the first line. yes, that becomes two in a row, but it makes the meaning of the sentence clearer and they’re on different lines.
end stanzas one and two with commas, so we know you’re still on the same sentence.
don’t capitalize the lines, because, again, this is all one sentence.
Apart from those issues, this really was a good read.
Maria reviewed Version 1 -
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WEll! I guess I felt much anger in this piece. Your expression came through well. I felt this was very abstract. Your word play was good, but a bit graphic for my taste. To be honest I thought the tempo was off, and the read was a bit rough. Good work for dark poetry. But because of the mix I was not even sure this was intended as pure dark poetry. I can tell you have a writing talent in your word play, I think you could have balanced this piece better.
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, just too bitter. The beginning stanza is beautiful with tremendous images, if not for the “filthy loins” crack. And the ending line about “playing games” is just too sharp, as if the poet had forgotten that this is supposed to be poetry and had just gone instead into vitriole. Calling a guy’s loins filthy is probably a reflection more of what this poet thinks about sex than the fact that the guy is actually filthy (which, I’m sure, is not what you meant) and the fact that he is genuinely interested in sex and needs it on a regular basis. Now tell me, between two consenting adults, is there anything sexual that is really filthy, unless one of the two has a puritan frame of mind, locked in the Beaver Cleaver world of the 1950’s. Obviously, we disagree. This poem only made me happy to think that I had never encountered a woman like this. May the fates preserve me from ever meeting one.
hardcorewriter reviewed Version 1 -
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This is simply an AMAZING poem. I, as the reader, can feel what you are feeling through personal experiences and your vivid descriptions. Very good piece. Thanks for a great read. Hardcore Writer
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