Yes, Joel is my name. I’ve stopped doing that. This is one of the first poem’s I’ve put up here. Thanks for the review and the suggestions.
Joel.
Poetry / Conjuring Nubia
Ebony,
The sound of it
Black against gold
Oh the feel of it
And she with her belly bound emerald and her necklace of ice
Standing aloof and resistant
Her back against the sun soaked Nile
Distantly testing
Unimpressed
Is she a princess in the feathers and bangles of war?
The art of elegance possesed of a queen?
Or sensuality made substant in flesh
Joel.
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DarlingDisaster reviewed Version 2 -
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This is beautiful and I love the way you’ve formatted it. It’s got gorgeous imagery.
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fmwrites reviewed Version 2 -
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My favorite line: Is she a princess in the feathers and bangles of war?
The next line was one of my least favorites. Consider keeping the same set-up as the previous line, and seeking a more original image for it (the elegance of a queen is expected, the bangles of war is so much fresher), for example:
A queen possessed, by art and __ (not elegance)?
I’m hoping Joel is a signature with an accidental period, not the last line in the poem. Because if it is, then I have to lower rating for “To Be Understood”—assuming the last line is “Or sensuality made substant in flesh” you might want to consider a third question mark to end it.
If Ebony as the first line, as Joel as the second line is someone’s name, split, as you describe them in the middle lines, then something will need to be done to let us know. Maybe the title, maybe also the arrangement of lines on the page. I thought you might have grouped longer lines in the middle to evoke a swelled belly. Belly bound emerald—I like the sound of that, very nice.
NewBard reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed the images that this poem presents. The line, “Or sensuality made substant in flesh” is particularly good. Thank you for sharing this!
mtpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the feel of this. I have worked with an Egyptian poet for over 5 years, editing her work and sharing comments. I hear the voice of this poet and see the images clearly.
blakdove reviewed Version 2 -
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that was like breath of fresh air. It had a very nice flow to it, and it says alot with not using alot of words. It doesn’t need the extra, maybe you could even trim extra words, but you use all of them so well, maybe a she, but not necessarily. very nice it took me to a place in my minds eye.
alw_ays reviewed Version 2 -
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I think it can be made stronger if the speaker’s interpretations of the subject’s feelings “aloof, resistant, unimpressed” were not as explicit. However, I do like resistant, there’s some visual aspect to resistant. I think you should keep that one.
The three lines at the end are telling more than showing.The language in them is powerful and emotional, so as they are they are well done. Try an edit with the “is she” and question marks missing. Allow the readers to accept or reject the ideas themselves.
I love the imagery; it’s impressive and intense. It draws me in and then thickens to the end. It’s really beautiful and well done.
Onager reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an absolutely amazing poem. I love it. I really hate to offer any advice on it or even any suggestions for change but if I felt I had to…2nd to last line, I would say “An elegant queen?” It just moves into the next sentence better somehow.
Thank you for sharing this poem. k
whosta reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi. I really liked this. It was short and could’ve had more content but, your the poet. I didn’t really understand it which is a good thing I guess seeing as its poetry. I like the repetition at the start with:”The sound of it”“Oh the feel of it” and the retorical questions at the end. I also liked “Her back against the sun soaked Nile” and the imagery of a river being soaked.
I can’t see anything wrong with this. Its hard to critique such short poetry.
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