Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I have been working it through my mind how to redo the story without the prologue, which way I want it to go.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Womb
Prologue
In the days of my great-grandmother’s grandmother, it is said that man ruled over our world.Their obvious superiority in brute strength granted them the ability to rule the people, but they were not capable of understanding and compassion.
Their insatiable need for power paved the path to our near destruction as they plundered and ravished the lands.
Their ego rendered them unable to conceive the idea of peaceful life. War was fought for the power over nuclear weapons and resources, for lands, laws, and for God.
Their greed blinded them to the devastation they had caused. They couldn’t see they were the root cause of animal extinction, dying forests, and receding oceans. They refused to believe that they were to blame for disease and illnesses.
Their experiments that they promised would heal and create life, instead brought death.
When the Year of the Quakes came about, scientist the world over warned that the end was near. Years of babies being born with hideous defects or dead, was enough. The people demanded something to be done. They wanted a new kind of leader, they prayed for a saviour.
Our preservation came in the form of a woman. She gathered a following as she traveled the lands, prophesizing and promising great change. She employed the most reknowned doctors and scientists and added the best teachers and professors to her ever growing followers.
In time, she fought to be the new leader that everyone wanted, needed, and things soon changed.
With the help of her followers she had created a new world. She called it the Womb. A glass dome enclosure that would hold all that believed in her. Those who didn’t believe, were forbidden to enter the Womb and was cast out to live their days in the Lands.
The day of the shut out, many families were torn apart as they fought about the necessity of living shut away in the vast enclosure. Those who were against it believed that there would be no democracy for those in the Womb,they equated the new leader to the anti-Christ. They believed that survival could be achieved in the lands.
The ones that chose to stay out were made an example of as the rest could see them out their, struggling to survive. Mother’s crying at the Womb’s walls, carrying their babies of two heads or eight legs and scavenger kids seen with massive pussing tumors.
People of the Womb adhered to the ways easily out of fear of being banned to the lands, out of respect for their leader or from pure appreciation to be saved from the fates that fell on the Lands people.
All of this I had learned in our history lessons and from the stories passed down the generations. There was more, though, that I would learn and this new found knowledge would change everything, for everyone.
1.
When I was younger my mother would chastise me for being so wild and incorrigible. I refused to mold into the form she thought a girl should take, and so, I was in endless trouble, it seemed, through out my childhood. I spent my days fighting with boys twice my size, aggravating our neighbors and getting happily filthy climbing the nearby hills. Mom would warn me that if I didn’t change my ways it would be my biggest regret.
On one of my hill climbing adventures I found a cave. It’s walls smooth and cool to the touch and it’s floor free from debris beckoned for me to come in. Upon entering I felt as if I was meant to be there. Like it had been there the whole time waiting to welcome me home. It was too small to make into any sort of clubhouse or hang out but large enough for a girl like me to escape to when I needed time to be alone, which seemed to be often. My cave faced the wall of the Womb and often I would sit there, looking out at the lands, trying to catch a glimpse of those who had been banished to live out their days there. We all knew the horrors that awaited in the lands. Most of the people in the Womb were so frightened that they wouldn’t even look at the walls, as if doing so would transform them into the hideous creatures of the lands that once were called human.
On the eve of my thirteenth birthday I snuck out of my bedroom window and walked the half mile to my cave in the hill, my escape, my most valued of places. Once there I unfolded the blanket that I kept there and wrapped myself up in it and sat at the mouth of the cave. I wasn’t cold, the temperature in the Womb was always a comfortable seventy-three degrees. I wrapped myself up as a means of comfort to ease my mind into a rational flow of thought.
I had been uneasy all day with the knowledge of my impending birthday. In the Womb, the thirteenth birthday marks the beginning of adulthood. There would be no more wild antics allowed, no more escaping trouble because in the Womb there were no second and third chances for those deemed as adults. In the Womb, we only had one chance to do things right or we would be banned to live in the lands. I wondered how awful that really would be.
Looking out at the Lands I thought to myself that it was a beautiful sight. It’s trees were filled with a lush green canopy that ever so often would sway in what my teacher explained to be the wind. The sky out there seemed so blue most days and the night sky with it’s spectacular lights made me sigh in wonderment. The thing I was most in awe of though, was the rain. I often would stand at the wall and place my hand there, wishing I could feel it’s wetness, wondering if it was cold or hot, if it had a taste and if so, was it sweet or bitter. The walls of the Womb were so thick that I couldn’t even feel the rhythm of it’s fall but my grand imagination provided me with an idea of it. I delighted most in the flashes of light that would tear through the sky that sometimes accompanied the rain.
I had never seen a Lander, as we dubbed those living outside the walls, but wished to. I was interested in seeing these beings and their grotesque anomalies that was said to plague them. Mom said that when she was a child she had seen a woman with two faces, two of the eyes bulging out as if she had been frightened and the other two half closed and oozing a yellowish substance from the corners. She said this creature stood at the wall staring at her as if mom was the deformed one.
Other than that woman, mom didn’t see any one else and said that the sightings of these creatures had become less frequent leaving most to believe that they all had succumbed to their fate and died off. I believed that was true as well as no one I knew had seen movement from the other side of the walls in years.
As I sat there wrapped in my blanket and thoughts, I caught a flicker of movement from the other side of the wall. I wasn’t sure if I truly saw something or if it was just the wind, so I sat still to see if I could catch it again. After a few moments I again attended my thoughts as I gave up on seeing anything, when I did. It was closer now though, moving slowly behind the trees. I pretended not to notice so that what ever it was would not be frightened and perhaps would come out where I could see it fully.
The waiting was unbearable but worth it. Finally, I saw a head poke out from behind a tree. I looked, moving only my eyes, and saw that it was not deformed.
Maybe it has a second head, I thought, and hoped. Or maybe it has four arms and eight legs.
I began to shake in anticipation and wanted to yell at this thing to come out where I could see it fully, although I knew it wouldn’t hear me. Then, as if it knew my thoughts, it came out from behind the tree. I turned my head slightly to get a good look. What I saw made my mouth drop in surprise. I was wholly disappointed. This creature was no more deformed than I was, matter of fact, he was perfect. His blonde hair was slightly longer than that of any of the boys I knew and looking him over, I noticed how muscled and strong his arms were. Even from where I was sitting I could tell that he was around my age if not a couple of years older. Other than his ragged clothes he looked like a citizen of the Womb.
He caught me looking him over and when my eyes met his, he winked. I was shocked so at the thought that he saw me sizing him up and that he would acknowledge me without fear that I jumped slightly as a little “oh” escaped from my lips.
He laughed at my surprise with a mouth that housed the most beautiful of smiles and then turned towards the trees and disappeared.
I jumped up quickly, not bothering to fold my blanket up before running down the hill to the wall where he had stood. I put my face to the wall, hands at both sides of my head, trying to see this boy. After a while I gave up and turned to head home as it would be daylight soon and I had my birthday to contend with.
I was only a few yards away when I stopped and turned to look back. In that moment, though I couldn’t see him, I knew that somewhere behind those trees, he was looking at me too.
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trismugistus reviewed Version 3 -
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In your notes you seem to be implying you think having the prologue be a narrative is acceptable. I’m not sure it is. Prologues work best when they are some scene or event that only bears fruit later in the story.
A prologue that provides an “oh, I see” moment, or acts to inform us the readers in a way that the characters aren’t is best. A prologue that dryly narrates facts is very dangerous because this is the first thing anyone is going to read and it will turn readers off.
I’d actually describe your prologue as an info-dump. Info-dumps are to be avoided at all cost. You’re much better off relating important events via scenes—you could flash back to them if you wanted, for example. Another, but less good way around it is to have one character relate the background to another.
It becomes exposition then, which isn’t brilliant to have in a story, but at least it gives you a chance to make it a bit more interesting. Also, your current info-dump has the risky tactic of saying “what the character learns will change the world”.
This is risky because it can easily undermine your story. In effect, we already know the outcome. We know that the history given is a lie, so for one thing it makes it less interesting, but also we will lack discovery/surprise when we get there.
You do also have some perfect opportunities to have the background things talked about—part of the birthday celebration could involve some leader giving a (ritual?) speech explaining it. Or if your story does involve contact between your narrator and outsiders, that would be another opportunity.
This would be another criticism I would make--it’s a little unclear quite what the story is here. Presumably it’s something to do with her going outside, but it’s normally better to cut more directly to the chase at the start of the story as that way your reader’s interest is piqued--they want to know how the conflicts/problems/situations you introduce are going to be solved and will read on. You can then explain background as necessary.
Overall there is quite a lot of “telling” going on. This is one of the trickiest things about using first person as the line between telling and showing becomes very difficult. What I would say is that, for example, if this birthday thing is a big deal, perhaps you could show it to us with her and a relation discussing it before she heads off to the cave? Or she could be at the preparations, talking to people and then slip away?
I hope that’s of some use.
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napalmwriter reviewed Version 3 -
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Most of the story is exposition. It reads like a history lesson. Such is okay for a prologue, when you are just setting the table for the story, but having the bulk of the story be expositive makes it dry. It’s kind of like Cliff’s Notes.
Sentence structure in the prologue is a bit repetitive. Lots of “They…” or “Their…” sentences. Hopefully, it’s just because the story is still a draft. The story shows some variation in structure, so it reads better.
The diction is a little “old school” but it seems to work with the tale.
The ending leaves me wondering what happens next, which is good. I’d like to see more action and less explanation, but it’s a good start.
pearlbear reviewed Version 3 -
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This is an interesting post-apocalyptic story. I think that the story itself (starting from page 1) is what you should focus on. I’d say toss the prologue, and tell that story through dialogue, or let that emerge from the actual action and story that you are telling.
Your character is intriguing, and it looks like it could be a great coming of age story. I’d be interested in finding out what happens to her.
AlexMadlinger reviewed Version 3 -
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“Years of babies being born with hideous defects or dead, was enough.”
You don’t need that comma.
“She employed the most reknowned doctors and scientists and added the best teachers and professors to her ever growing followers.”
Change followers to following.
“In time, she fought to be the new leader that everyone wanted, needed, and things soon changed.”
I understand and even like what you are trying to do here, but you need to not use a comma between wanted and needed. Perhaps a dash?
Just a little plug to ask you a question--do you realize who hypocritical your savior is? I assume that sexism will be a large portion of the theme of your story--but there is hypocrisy there, and plenty of it.
Hmmm… I just read the rest of the work. Nice. Nice indeed. I’ll be around more.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 3 -
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I really liked this and would gladly read more.
In the days of my great-grandmother’s grandmother, it is said that man ruled over our world.Their obvious superiority in brute strength granted them the ability to rule the people, but they were not capable of understanding and compassion.
Good beginning. This caught my attention and drew me in.
As the story progressed i found myself hooked, i couldn’t stop.
I definatly want to know more.
gretavdr reviewed Version 3 -
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It’s an interesting story, quite well written, but it is a narrative.
I think you would have a better chance of hooking readers in if you explain the womb as part of the story. You could start where she climbs out of the window and goes to her cave and weave the background stuff into her thoughts as she considers the significance of tomorrow’s birthday. (just a suggestion) Let your readers wait to hear the history. Lead them on, maybe say that there are scary, deformed creatures outside and if you don’t behave, you get thrown out there. Bear in mind the old writing adage, ‘show, don’t tell.’
Yes, this is SF and yes, it is for young adults.
galadriel reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked the story. You have mistakes of grammar. Work on the beginning, it took me a while to get what you were trying to say, make it a little more easy to read. Although you described the boy you did not describe the girl that much you have to create a picture in your mind and write it out you know.
You can make a book of that single idea you know.
Liked the story!! Hope you continue!!!!
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 3 -
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This has the potential to be a very good novel, but you need to make several decisions before you continue.
Is this strictly all man-hating rants by a lesbianic future society, or are you going to define this pseudo-history as actually being biased because it’s created by women without the counter-balance of the male point of view—such as in the many wars we’ve fought where we, the victor, get to write the history books. By doing this, you would add another layer to your story, a historical perspective outside the printed word, and provide more texture to your story, as well as not alienate all those women who like men and men ourselves.
I’ll be interested to see where you do go with this, since your last sentence indicates this is a start to a novel and not a complete short story.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 3 -
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AWESOME…this is something like, I’m writing with the two separate races..except I dont have a dome. While reading this I kept wishing…a normal person would appear outside the dome and you delivered…it added a great twist. Even though this girl is inside this perfect dome…it’s cool to see how she wants to escape it. If i spot chapters of this around Urbis…I will definatley read it.
Elim121 reviewed Version 3 -
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Very nice. I liked the first person perspective and you made me feel what it was like to be young again. Good writing style and I definitely think you have talent. If you are looking for some critique the only thing I would say from a readers perspective is that I didn’t know what the girl looked like. I know she was turning 13 and was going to be deemed an adult but not a whole lot more that I noticed. It would have been nice to get a slight description of the girl toward the beginning but great writing. I like the whole concept of the post civilization with the dome and the outsiders. You gave a great overal description of the social environment. Kudos.
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