Novel Treatments / RENDEZVOUS WITH A RUNAWAY: Excerpts/Mini Scenes
By now she had told her lie a hundred times. It would be practically impossible to convince anyone it didn’t happen. The news should remain hot throughout the weekend. Derek would let time serve as an extinguisher. If he could dodge discussion, perhaps his friends might be ready for a cooler version later in the week.
However, the townhouse had become a modern day Eden. Not only had Megan reinvented the lie, she had infected the male gender with a bad case of hormones. This would be kept between Megan and the spirit world. Derek Miller would have to sit this one out.
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Rookie Bill from last night. And an older, different cop.
“Evening, officers,” Derek said and coughed.
“You down here smoking pot?” Rookie Bill asked. He was in his wide-leg stance, arms crisscrossing his chest. His beady eyes were staring out the right side of his face.
“Nope. Don’t smoke anything, officer.” Derek lay his magazine down. ”That what this visit is about? Drugs?”
“The girl,” he said sharing a confidant’s smile with his partner. ”Whose under that blanket?”
“My friend Eddie. He was here last night.”
“That right? Well, why is he hiding?” Rookie Bill’s voice was deeper without his boss around. Tonight he was the man. ”Good evening, Eddie. Like to say hello?”
The blanket sat up, fell to one side, and Eddie grinned sheepishly. ”Something wrong, officer?”
“Question, Eddie. Why were you under there?”
Eddie pointed over his right shoulder to the sliding door. ”Would you believe there’s a draft in here? And frankly, I find this whole scenario rather humiliating. All I want is some sleep. I’ve got work early in the morning.”
“Question, Eddie. Why do I get the feeling someone else is in this room? Say, right about . . . there.”
He bumped his partner and pointed to the clump of covers next to Eddie that could easily pass for a person.
“No, sir,” Derek said. ”That’s not what you—”
“Come on out of there, Megan.”
Derek was stuck. Trapped. They all were. Out the corner of his eye he saw Megan starting to stand up. Crouched behind the loveseat, frantically clutching her jeans, stripped down to tee shirt and undies, she had no way of knowing Officer Bill wasn’t talking to her.
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The stairs. Creaking sounds on the stairs.
Derek jumped up, dived into bed, cupped one hand over Megan’s mouth and buried their heads under the blanket.
“Don’t scream,” he whispered into her ear. ”And don’t bite me. Someone’s coming.”
The stairs lay dead. Someone was in the room with them.
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The ugly walls across the courthouse parking lot were depressing enough. But now, inside the courthouse corridor, depression turned into fear. Derek stood outside the solemn double doors, his legs refusing to carry him further.
Bobby nudged him and he almost fainted.
“It’s time,” Bobby said. ”You don’t want to be late.”
Derek stared at his surroundings, ducking one abstract object after another. Bobby was a prism of jagged grays and caramel brown. Derek wanted to run from it all. He could hide for the rest of his life as a fugitive. At least he would have a life. Megan was trying it. He could find someone just like she did to help him.
How much time does statutory rape carry in this state?
“Come on,” Bobby was saying. ”We’ve already discussed this. Greazy, you’ve got to go through those doors to get your freedom.”
Bobby’s face was starting to clear up. A friend. And Derek needed a friend right now more than anything else.
“What was that you were saying?” Derek felt as if he were drunk.
“You say you are innocent. Then it’s time you trusted in God. Your freedom, Greazy, is through those doors.”
Bobby sounded so grown. So religious. So right. And Derek knew he was right. But how much could Bobby Hathaway know? Enough to risk an entire future?
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“Look,” Derek said and yawned. ”I think Eddie wants to talk to me about him and Lilah. Boring stuff. You sleeping up here tonight?”
Bobby lowered his chin against the dining room table. ”Probably.”
”Guess I’ll get this over with. See you one way or another.”
Derek fumbled through a kitchen cabinet and then opened and shut the refrigerator. Another one of his diversion acts.
Move slowly or arouse suspicion.
As soon as he cleared the stairs, he zipped into the den, held a forefinger to his mouth and made hushing sounds. Both Eddie and Megan were nodding their heads. He flipped a piece of scrap paper on the bar and then wiggled his hand that he needed a pencil.
Megan whipped a pen from her purse. Derek scribbled some key words and handed her the note. Immediately she took the pen and started writing.
A curious Eddie frowned his way to the bar, leaned over the two of them, and his glasses sucked up every word.
“Crap,” Eddie said and slapped the palm of one hand against his forehead. ”For how long?”
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Junior patted the couch next to him and smiled to Carla across the room. ”Come here, girl. No one is going to bite you.”
She smiled and picked up her handbag. ”That a shame, fellas. I been hoping somebody would.”
Megan grabbed her arm. ”No-no-no, Carla. We ladies don’t talk that way and you are not a piece of candy.”
“Maybe not to everyone,” Bobby said and broke out laughing.
Megan stared at Derek and immediately he acknowledged Bobby’s revenge. So what? The intimate picture of Derek and Carla could never survive the developing process. Megan’s ego would never admit his noticing any woman other than herself. This messy negative must remain in her darkroom.
But, true or not, there would be punishment for her having to dispose of the implication. Her quiet cat-like gaze hinted of payback.
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Mrs. Hathaway stood at the top of the stairs. ”I want to know if somebody will answer this phone.”
Bobby bolted to the doorway. ”You know you shouldn’t be down here, mom. You’ll get sick. Now, who’s it for?”
”That man keep calling here about some girl. I’m tired of talking to him.”
“Oh my God,” Megan whispered. ”It’s my dad.”
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They all passed around his words with dumbfounded looks on their faces, as though they were only spectators at some deadly game, and now he was forcing them to play.
“You people hear me? She said the police are coming. In less than five minutes.” Bobby jumped up and down in the middle of the room, swinging his fists and holding his head. ”What’s wrong with you? Will somebody move!”
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Derek and Megan kept looking at each other, and then to a spot on the wall or the floor. He was remembering waking up with his hand between her legs. She no doubt would be ducking memories of her fart.
It was a time for embarrassment.
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Hello. You do have an interesting piece but there are some parts of it that are somewhat jarring.
I think it may be easier to copy and paste a some parts in your story.
1.)“Evening, officers,” Derek said and coughed
Why don’t you try switching the tag to “said Derek, coughing.” or better yet, try finding a more stronger word for “cough” like hacked, or forcing a substance from his throat as he coughed.
2.) In the beginning of the piece you said “Question, Eddie” twice in too short a time, this may be most most awkward as I read.
3.)The blanket sat up, fell to one side
Is our blanket a living object? The sentence sounds like the blanket is moving on its own.
4.) The stairs. Creaking sounds on the stairs.
Try merging these into one sentence. Also try describing how loud or soft these creaking sounds are.
5.) Derek jumped up, dived into bed, cupped one hand over Megan’s mouth and buried their heads under the blanket.
-This sentence is very awkward. I can’t really put my finger on it.
6.)“Don’t scream,” he whispered into her ear. ”And don’t bite me. Someone’s coming.”
-Why would Megan bit him? This is a bit strange.
7.)The stairs lay dead. Someone was in the room with them.
This sounds very vague. How did both the characters know that someone was in the room?
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I’m afraid that is all I could point out. I will say that your use of dialogue is impeccable. Yours is the most natural of all I have critiqued on urbis. However, I will be honest and say that your narration skills are somewhat mediocre.(Do not fret, as I am the same. Many authors are.) As I’ve read your story, there are some awkward sentences, I already pointed some of them out for you.
I hope this review has helped. And I hope this was worth your credits. Good day to you. :)
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