I am an air hanger, man. Believe that.
Humor/Satire / THE STATE OF THINGS IN 2008
Our cities are in ruin. The homeless are in charge. We wander the liquorice avenues in our pashminas and clodhoppers, alone in need of lungs, exchanging the following phrases:
“Please welcome the bearded men inside.”
“Leave the tractors alone, they mean no harm.”
“Goodness gracious… look at the state of the farmhands!”
The leather jackets we wear are less spectacular than those of our cousins and our coffees are undercooked. It is quite possible that one in two men are named Clarence.
This must stop.
Here are our tips for survival in 2008. It can be done. Do not end it all with an act of seppuku.
1. Do not insult a colonel. He will produce from his blazer a sword made from the chinbone of a former schoolteacher with a TCP habit and poke it towards a gnu.
2. Assume people are 2D. After conversations, climb atop their shoulders and piggyback them into the sitting room. Perhaps watch a David Cronenberg film.
3. Never lead a horse to water. The average horse prefers 7Up.
4. Wear duvets to church. Vicars appreciate a congregation clad in bed linen.
5. On motorways, perform 360 spins at regular intervals, perhaps turbo-boosting over a van with a nitrogen cylinder strapped to a rocket. This will cure traffic congestion.
6. Death can be beaten at Boggle.
7. When presented with an escalator, perform at least one christening before boarding.
8. Become addicted to alcohol and crack cocaine for a few months. Afterwards, mince tastes 98% nicer.
9. Become aware of the different textures of air. In Canada the winds are homosexual.
10. Have a sandwich on the bus.
11. Whenever a man finds himself stranded atop a burning skyscraper while a 56-foot mutant is rampaging towards him screaming “Ruin Everything! Stomp and chomp!” it is crucial he takes a moment to ruminate. Perhaps have a cup-a-soup. Watch some draughts on television. Offer the mutant an onion as a peace offering.
12. To solve Third World Debt, invite Africa over for a nightcap.
13. Mummies… remember to breathe when entombed.
14. Do not purchase a bride on EBay. Chances are that those being sold are 19th century peasant woman who have forgotten to die.
15. Do not stand in the pouring rain and attempt to be euphoric.
16. At one’s funeral, it is proper etiquette to greet the guests and offer the infirm mourners a chair. Make sure the vicar’s microphone is plugged in and that the children have their mobile phones switched off. You are then free to proceed with the burial and cremation process.
17. The best balloons are those with magnesium oxide. Export it from Brazil or Norfolk.
18. Snow dazzles pandas in the afternoon. Prevent them from leaving their rooms until winter is over.
19. 15:43 is an evil time. Adopt a scornful face for the duration of this minute then resume normal service.
20. In order to be honest when telling a lie, root out part of the lie that is true and cling to that.
21. After a disagreement with a close friend, invite him to admire your collection of bronze antelopes.
22. The term ‘white man’ is no longer acceptable. It should be replaced with the new term ‘less dark than the black people.’
23. Canoes are the finest place to perform christenings. Invite vicars who can swim to perform the ceremonies.
24. It is all right to ask someone who has offended your hog to leave the premises.
25. It is acceptable to disapprove of an uneaten crumpet. This crumpet should be taken outside and set alight. The ashes should be posted to a man named Terence.
26. Never meddle a mollusc.
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the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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Perhaps there’s cultural boundaries preventing some of the humor from transferring fully, but there were quite a few pieces I found amusing. Several of them tugged a grin out of me, so it was quite worth the read.
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m going to start by saying that this sort of humor doesn’t do anything for me. It’s a list of statements that don’t really mean anything, but since their absurdity doesn’t have anything from the real world in them to contrast, they end up just hanging in air.
Majireon reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow…That was seriously weird. I liked it and couldn’t stop reading it. I actually laughed out loud at number 22. I don’t think I could think of anything that you could do to make this peice better, and I have read stuff a lot less funny, in actual published humor books.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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There seem to be quite a lot of vicars in 2008. Love the absurdity, loved the smile it brought to my day. Yes, some are funnier than others, but then that makes those that are weirdly fun even more weirdly fun. Didn’t see any proofreading issues. Very nice.
la_la_landian reviewed Version 1 -
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This is absolutely stunningly written, in a manner unusual for anything deemed “humor/satire.” Your wit doesn’t suffer in the slightest. I’m mad about some of the observations you made. You made me giggle which is always wonderful :) But many if these ironic suggestions were also intensely poetic. I would absolutely LOVE to see short stories written from any one of these, especially ones explaining the slightly confusing ones. I’d love to see a character who teaches us why these rules are important. You just made the impending doom of my day to come a little less miserable.
shinsukato reviewed Version 1 -
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Alot of these were very funny, some putting me in mind of Jack Handey. Anyway…
What does the phrase “alone in need of lungs” mean? I couldn’t figure it out.
Some of your one liners seemed to be based more off surprising randomness than actual wit, or situational comedy. While that may be fine for some people it put me off a little.
icedsapphire reviewed Version 1 -
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Well that was amusing. An amusing musing, as it were. And I learned two very valuable lessons from it as well:
you have a scary obsession with vicars and christenings
Pandas have no self control.
As for the 360 spins on the motorway, I prefer to drive around with a box of hammers and high powered floodlights mounted on my vehicle (facing rear-ward. works best if you have the movie studio variety that turns night into day.)
As for critiquing your piece, Quite funny. Interesting. Not quite the most funny thing I have ever read, but that is probably because I’m a shallow American (us shallow types don’t understand a damn thing.)
I would almost like to see predictions for 2009….but at the same time that thought makes me shudder.
LovelyLola reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this item to be hilariously funny. It’s humor is a bit quirky, but it is clever as it describes the dos and don’ts of this early part of the 21st Century.
I suppose it reminds me of Michael Palin/Terry Gilliam/GRaham Chapman writings. It’s piece I enjoyed.
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