Poetry / Retrospect

I think that your rhythm is a bit off.  The following line is difficult to read cleanly:

“in life a thing
a blight
in dreams a queen
an angel”

Try to make the lines mesh a little better.

You create imagery rather well; I had a sense of what you were trying to portray.

Interesting differences between first and second verses. The language really seems to juxtapose the two different worlds in which this girl lives – “in life” and “dreams.”

First part of verse 1 (through “sotto-voice”) is more ethereal, which works nicely with the image of dreams. The rhyming used lends to a sing-song, more fairy tale feeling, as well.

I find the language of verse 2 much stronger. Maybe I just prefer alliteration to rhyme, but “sucks solitude” and “thin voice whispering / vespers” really nail the imagery down for me. This verse is much harsher, which breaks the “dream” of verse 1, and paints the lonelier picture of her life as “blight.”

Overall, nicely done.

I like the language used in this, the way you use description towards the end works very well (she sucks solitude like a thumb, dragging hope like a tattered blanket behind her) were two of your strongest images, however, the vespers in the dark was unclear.

I enjoyed the brief rhyme scheme you had going with green and queen in the first stanza. My question in regards to who the monster is needs to be resolved, and also, the “littleness” in the second stanza: what or who is it?
is it the voice or the physical being of the doll herself? And how does the monster relate to the doll? What relation does the voice have to the rest of the piece, where does it fit in and can we hear what is being sung?

thanks, and don’t forget to hit me back with questions, comments or concerns you have for my review. :)

simple, but very effective.  It drew so many memories for me, and that’s the real power of poetry – connecting the reader in both personal and universal ways.  very good

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March 05, 2008

by Lyl_Anjle

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Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it :)

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I really liked this poem.  I wish there were more commas/periods to help me decide exactly what kind of flow to apply to the poem, but it works without them.  

As a poem, I think it’s great.  The images, while simple, were very vivid and left the reader with a great impression.