Poetry / Perfection (Analysis)

I don’t know how I come up with certain kinds of suggestions for certain pieces, but the first thing I thought of after absorbing this was simply an ommission of unnecessary words. The poem is so well structured that I’m just not sure there are ways to improve upon the actual structure or even the main premise behind it.

The image of her feet being sliced to the bone kind of jarred me a little (although I definitely understand the imagery). Maybe soften the diction a little bit. That one line is remarkably ‘violent’ compared to the rest of the lines in the piece.

Suffocation or maybe ‘superficialism’ comes to mind when reading about this wonderful thing called ‘perfection’ and how it makes us be something we’re really not, so maybe tie in that one violent line with some kind of imagery involving suffocation or squeezing or something like that rather than cutting and slicing.

As for extraneous words, because of this whole premise, try ommiting every instant you employed the use of the word, “she” or “her” and leave the subject open-ended, so it draws my attention not to her as a ‘person’ but her as an ‘object’ due to her ‘perfection’. It’s a pretty strong effect.

As always, only suggestions. Otherwise, line placement works well, stanzas work well, form looks great. You’ve got a nice piece here.

I enjoyed the rhythm employed in the first three stanzas, but it broke in the fourth and fifth.  Was that intended?

“disbelieved Cassandra” evokes an image of an image of a date rape accusation dismissed.  Perhaps I am being too literal.  Is she disbelieved because she is deemed promiscuous?

“aversion to Adonis” reveals that she is consequently wary of men who once held her gaze or felt they could sucessfully pursue her as an object of beauty.  On the other hand, her aversion could be toward all vain men.

The second stanza is curious.  Am I to believe that a beautiful head of hair is her only virtue?  Yet, her beauty is a burden to her.

The fourth stanza is remarkable, suggesting that her beauty is so great that what men will view in her is the defect or glory of their own souls, depending on their intention in beholding her.

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March 27, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
14	68.9% (103 votes)	0.9%

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28	F	United States	October 16

You’ve found some wonderful ideas in this poem!  
Cassandra is a character from the story of Troy.  She
is cursed with the ability to see the future, but no
one believes what she has to say.

I wanted to convey the idea that physical beauty is
prized over personality and other virtues. The
“phenomenal virtues” are overshadowed by her hairstyle,
and working to be beautiful distracts her from more
important pursuits.

Her wariness of men, and the reflection men see in her
robes are valid interpretations that I honestly didn’t
see until you brought them to light.
Thank you for your review. :)

March 27, 2008

by djsquared

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34	M	Bakersfield, CA	November 28

No… thank you!  I should like to read more.  :D

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Hi. Enjoyed your poem. Being me, I sometimes examine things for hidden humor in poems, to me, I’ve found a little here.

I love how you address the issue of vanity and bring it to life. It was quite amusing to me, and a valuable lesson learned at the same time.

To me as a reader, I didn’t find any problems lurking anywhere.

Vanity is something most of us are in need of improving on.

I loved it.

This is a very good poem; it is about Cassandra of Troy correct? You capture her very well in this poem—good imagery and similes. However, while describing her clothes is very nice, maybe consider adding a little more about her personality? Just a suggestion, but on the whole, very nice.

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March 27, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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28	F	United States	October 16

It is Cassandra of Troy.  I was trying to point
out the way society focuses on physical appearance
rather then personality.  Based on your review, I
think I succeeded!  On another track, Cassandra has
always been one of my favorite characters in the Greek
myths and I am working on other pieces that reflect
more of her personality and her infliction. (speaking
the truth, but never beleived)  Thank you for your review.

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good poetry here,, couple words i’m unsure of , like the line “no one escapes their own reflection .. keep going ,, put the wind behind your quill  and sail on …

lookingbeyond

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March 27, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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In that line I’m trying to convey the idea that you
can’t change yourself with ‘glass slippers’ and
‘curls’.  When it comes down to it, we are who we are
and no amount of makeup changes that. Thanks for your
review.

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I scored this well overall, because I like the imagery and some of what I think it means. However I didn’t score it very high in the “to be understood” category because thare are parts that I am not sure I understand.
I think it is referring to a woman with great insight into others that doesn’t dare to speak the truth of what she see’s because of the reactions she will get. This weighs on her thoughts, and causes her to handle relations with others cautiously.  Is this close to what is meant?
I think it is very well written and only have one suggestion, maybe change “her own” in the last stanza to “their own”. Thise could make it refer to both halves of the population, at least if I am understanding the poem correctly.
Nicely done, thanks.

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March 27, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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Cassandra comes from the story of Troy.  She is cursed
with the ability to see the future, but no one ever
believes what she has to say. I originally intended
this poem to reflect the fixation society has on
a woman’s physical appearence versus her ‘true self’.  
However, you’ve come up with a very valid interpretation.
This is what I love about poetry. Poems often develop
a life far beyond the one their author originally
intended.  Thank you so much for this review.

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Bold imagery, insightful, overall a good piece.

Overall it has nice wording and content, but seem incomplete. I could not really relate to any image it was trying to convey. Who is Cassandra? (I’m not being trivial or nieve. This character has no focal point) Sorry. it was a good effort, but fell a little short for me.

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March 25, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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I can understand your confusion.  I was playing with
allusions when I wrote this poem.  Cassandra is from
the story of Troy.  She has the ability to see the future
but no one ever belives her.  Cassandra syndrom comes
from this story (like Oedipus syndrom).  Overall I’m
commenting on society and it’s focus on the physical
aspects of women.  Hope this helps and thank you for
the review.

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A beautifully realized piece. I, so many times, find that poets tend to try to overwhelm us with there breadth of vocabulary instead of simply putting the words together in an intriguing manner.

“Her phenomenal virtues are tied in perfect curls;
   straining her thoughts with their weight.”

This line is the perfect expample of how one can convey deep meaning without the pompacity of throwing a dictionary/thesaurus at us to use as a shovel so we can dig down to the greater meaning.

The only problem I have with your poem is this line,

“While She treads lightly in slippers of glass;
   which slice her feet to the bone.”

Though I truly like the line and believe it conveys the meaning you seem to be trying to get at with this work, I feel as if it doesn’t fit. Allow me to explain. The rest seems to fall back on the Ancient Greek and then this, though beautifully formed, harks back to a fairy tale. It is distracting to the point of pulling away from the things you are trying to convey. I would go back and look at this line again and how it fits with the rest of the piece. I know sometimes removing a line or phrase can be painful, but consider changing to something that not only fits but gives the meaning that you have portrayed so well in the rest of the poem.

I really think this is a publishable poem with a minor line change.

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March 25, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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I was playing with allusions in this poem.  It
relies strongly on Greek mythology, but the overall
theme is focusing on false beauty and the perception
of women.  The phenomenal virtues line is a nod to
Maya Angelou’s phenomenal woman.  Those fantastic
virtues are overshadowed by something as simplistic
as a hairstyle.  Thank you for your review.

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No one escapes her own reflection; this line bothers me. Is this general, in which case I’d say his own (meaning both sexes)? Or is it Cassandra’s vision?

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March 25, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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I’ve had trouble with this line myself.  Originally
it read “No one escapes their own reflection” , but
the singular/plural issue bugged me.  So I chose to
make it Cassandra’s vision, and Cassandra represents
all women.  Thank you for your review!

March 27, 2008

by caravans

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I don’t mean to sound sexist, but one used to say: no one escapes his own reflection – meaning everyone, men and women.

March 27, 2008

by RhapsodyRead

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I understand.  It was common to use the masculine he/his as a neutral, but for the purpose of the poem I wanted to focus on the feminine.  :)

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