Thank you for your words; I appreciate it.
Poetry / Shaw
Mutilation of metal leads to
a casket on wheels,
captured amid shards of jagged glass
and torrid metal.
Arousing anguish,
aching to be taken home
to slide into bed…sleep it away instead,
succumbing to narcotic sedation
where I am inundated by re-enactments
of his mindless mistake…
Costing continual bodily distress,
yet having the good fortune to see the light and live.
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Mike_Montana reviewed Version 5 -
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From what I have read in the poem you have wrote, I believe the title of your poem was misleading to the description of your work. I believe that the concept of your work is consistent but eratic in imagery which I really didn’t expect much of in a short piece, but to say the most I believe your piece was some what complex and it has potential to go some where but I believe that the title should fit more of the description of your piece.
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reerds reviewed Version 5 -
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To me this has the feel of an exercise in survival by way of dealing with this tragedy in a way that helps you through . .. for that I can really appreciate your piece. Right on! it’s very inspiring to witness someone overcome such an obstacle. Thank you for sharing that.
s2poets reviewed Version 5 -
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short and to the point…I like the condensed language, every word counts here.
the last line is a bit troubling…I’d like to see this end with more of a punch…
blueeyes reviewed Version 5 -
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Wow, what a terrifying experience. I especially like the first 2 lines, they are great attention grabbers. I also like how it is to the point, and not to wordy.
Joel reviewed Version 5 -
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This is a good poem. I think we write best when we are connected to the subject about which we are writing.
I only had a couple of problems.
Since you used ‘metal’ in the first line, its use seemed in the fourth line a bit redundant.
You need another line between the seventh and the eighth line to transition. You want to be home in your bed, then you are sedated, but you are in both cases in bed. It is confusing in a subconscious way.
“of his mindless mistake…” This moves the speaker from being a victim of an accident to being an aggressor. My initial thought was, “Bet he’s going to sue.” Regardless of whether or not this was an accurate emotion, it does nothing to advance your poem. In fact, it has no place in the poem at all. The poem is about the victim of an accident, not the perpetrator of a crime.
In the last line, “…see the light…” is a tired metaphor. You can do better. In the first place, it is out of place. If you had a revelation then you should elaborate on it, not leave it bound up in an overused metaphor. If it isn’t a revelation, then you are confusing the reader by using a metaphor that means revelation.
You have a very nice poem here that expresses an event as only you can. A little more work and you could have something with real bite in it.
Joel.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 5 -
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I really like the word choices in this. Mutilation, metal leads,shards, jagged, torrid, et al.
They paint a great image of a crash scene, with the twisted metal and wrenched frames.
The second half depicting the medical portion is less gripping. Perhaps it could be reworked some to make those images as powerful as the first half.
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Protagoras reviewed Version 5 -
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rsman26 reviewed Version 5 -
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It was jarring and powerful, the stark imegary gave the piece real weight, but I would have loved it to go deeper, this is a unique experoence and many have no idea what its like to stand on the brink, the ending seems a little forced as well.
igivejustshoot reviewed Version 5 -
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Not much to say about this one as it is pretty short and to the point. I like the car becoming a “casket on wheels.” I like the imagery used in this. Good job.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 5 -
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I appreciate the fact that this poem is based on a real experience and thus has authenticity. However a couple of your words I think are off. You didn’t die, so where is the casket? Also did you mean “causing continual bodily distress”? I did like the description of the post-traumatic experience of the intrusive memories of the incident. I think that is the best part of the poem and I wanted to hear more about that (of course that could be because I’m a psychotherapist).
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