Poetry / "Dialogue"

VERY clever and clean construct. No doubt, e.e.cummings was listening, up there.
I even counted lines to see if “he is hot” and “your beard” were spoken by the same person (assuming that it is a woman and a man speaking to each other) – and they were.

Just one note. There are three “I love you” – maybe, changing the second one to “need” or “want” etc. – keeping just the ending and the begginning matched – would create more of a surprise at the end?

In any case – a perfect score.

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July 25, 2009

by vangogh414

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
39	89.3% (28 votes)	18.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	F	United States	July 28

thanks for your review, obamafu. i like your suggestion about the “i love you”s … i’m debating the change, because originally it was a device to show that the original narrator (the guy) was trying to get his adressee back on track to committing to a relationship she clearly wasn’t interested in.  but i like the idea of how “i need” or “want you” would play with “you’re weird”.  thanks again!

July 25, 2009

by obamafu

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
42	80.0% (15 votes)	48.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
100	M	Houston, TX	September 30

While I have not read everything people submit here… I still think this poem is the best I have read in a long, long time.

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I really like this clever idea you have here. I like the rhyme scheme and the flow. It sounds nice read aloud. The title is perfect. I don’t know what else that i can say about it. It’s lighthearted and fun and ends on a cute note. I cannot improve. Sandi

Haha. This was lovely, just lovely. I like how there’s definitely an unrequited love and it seems the one in love is trying to have the conversation and the other one sort of doesn’t care xD It works brilliantly. A solid 9 from me because I enjoyed it.

You wrote “series”... I’ll definitely stop by another time to see if there’s more of this!

It is difficult to critique something that is intentionally nonsensical. I’m not sure what to say other than “hey, it rhymes and it’s cute”!

That said, I think that there could be a decent “sing-songy” kind of meaning to this if presented as a stream-of-conscious, silly conversation between lovers. For that to be effective, I’d suggest losing the bit about Billy. It doesn’t have the potential of intimacy as do the rest of the lines. It feels like it was dropped in, just to rhyme.

At the very least, this made me smile.

Good luck.

Interesting. Kind of cute. I think if you fleshed it out more, though, it could be better – but somehow keeping those same words in there?

wow.  this just works on so many levels.  my favorite exchange was “theres billy…”  ”he’s hot.”  very well done.  perfect timing, perfect meter.  just rolls off and resonates.  i think everyone’s been there.  excellent.

This is purely the randomness of a modern day relationship. How love is just something on a memo that has to be fulfilled. I like it for it’s simplicity.