Poetry / Just Words

‘glowing golden… / ...my tongue’, good two lines to have together; why seperate them?
Maybe make the whole thing present tense, if only because [drip] instead of ‘dripped’ is smoother for the meter.
‘them like’ sounds out of place to me, it might sound less normal but ‘as if’ may well be an improvement?
I really like the first two stanza’s; unique and inspired, good stuff.
Unfortunately, the final stanza really doesn’t fit; if it was about teeth rotting I’d maybe understand it more (honey rots teeth), as is I’m not too sure what to think apart from a general wariness I have for all things emo.
Cheers
Josh

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February 29, 2008

by Rhapsody

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24	F	Rogers, AR	August 19

Rest assured it is not meant as angsty teenager emo. If anything it would fall under failed romance. The words are lies. There is no actual honey. Thanks for your review; I’ll keep it in mind when doing revisions.

March 03, 2008

by duddbudda

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20	M	United Kingdom	August 21

aye, i knew it wasn’t intended as such, I just read it that way, sorry.
as for the honey, it may be metaphor, not reality (which i had noticed btw, I am not thick), I merely wished to suggest that contiuation of the metaphor might make the last stanza more fitting: there’s the honey-sweet lushousness, but then the crush goes sour and everyone ends up feeling crap and rotting?

March 04, 2008

by Rhapsody

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I see what you mean. Thank you for the ideas. Sorry if I came off snippy. I was tired and in more of a hurry than I needed to be.

March 04, 2008

by duddbudda

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20	M	United Kingdom	August 21

is cool mon cherie

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The only thing that I can’t quite get a grasp on is why the words were honey and then savored, yet then the subject dies inside…

Bittersweet? Maybe, but overall I like the visuals…

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February 29, 2008

by Rhapsody

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24	F	Rogers, AR	August 19

Glad you liked the visuals. The words were lies. Or the honey was laced with arsenic. Your choice. :-)

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I like your poem. While trying to understand what the meaning might be, I realized in this election year, this type of thing happens all the time. The candidates roll the words off their tongues while we die inside do to the emptiness of what their words actually say. It can be the same from someone who tells us they love us and then we find their words are false.

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February 29, 2008

by Rhapsody

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24	F	Rogers, AR	August 19

I hadn’t thought of it as applying to politics. Interesting new angle.

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It makes me wonder if there is a hidden meaning.  Maybe the words were sweet “sounding” but were actually a stinging insult or crass comment.  The anticipation of the sweetness of what was expected only proved to cause more pain when the actual bitterness behind the meaning was heard.
Very deep indeed!
Reminds me of the musings of the beatnik poets I used to go listen to at the neighborhood coffeeshop in the 70’s.

The metaphor of honey dripping words is one that has been overused so too the ambrosia of the gods, not all that original. What I find interesting is that this benign substance rotted away the narrator’s insides. What is missing here are what words and why the words so affected the narrator so negatively. The poem is too general and the reader can’t identify with the pain or sorrow that is implied within the poem. Detail is everything in a poem.

This is a very good example of poetry.  My only confusion deals with the words ‘Words’ and ‘tongue’.  In the first paragraph I’m given the image of the temptress murmuring sweet nothings.  Yet I can not conceive of such things being taken on the tongue.  They COULD be caught, and savored, but simply NOT eaten in any stretch of the imagination.  Turning this around and making the second paragraph canon, I’m forced to guess the words are a metaphor for physical affection of the french variety.  But this is terribly strained and I admit I can’t imagine it was your intent.

The third paragraph was a complete shock.  The image is very evocative but yet the only thing available to feel out what caused it is the title.  I’m wondering if the flow of this could have been adjusted to make the bitter truth behind the ‘sweet words’ more of a coherent thought.

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February 29, 2008

by Rhapsody

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24	F	Rogers, AR	August 19

There is no actual honey or eating going on. It’s nothing so literal as all that. The honey is words. The words are lies. The idea of catching them on the tongue is just running with the metaphor that’s already there, as well as being used to imply kissing, etc. to show that the narrator and the subject of the piece are lovers. Thank you for your review.

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I love the description in the first two stanzas, but the third confused me, I think.  I guess…the words are slowly killing you?  There’s the “wanting” in the first two stanzas…then all of a sudden you’re dead.  Perhaps add another stanza between two and three that foreshadows as to something’s not quite right. The third stanza, as it is, seems disconnected right now.
The figurative language in this piece is beautiful, though.

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February 29, 2008

by Rhapsody

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Thank you. I’m glad you liked the language. The words are lies. I thought about just saying “lies” at the beginning, but it seemed to blatant. Still haven’t really decided. Thank you for your review. I’ll keep it near when revising.

February 29, 2008

by aliciatr

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34	F	Houston, TX	August 14

That makes sense….I did take it as a figurative killing.

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I think in its brevity, this piece speaks volumes.  This is the storyline I garnered (you can let me know if I’m completely off base): The speaker has heard something hurtful from someone they care about and it’s really getting to them.

If that’s what you were going for, I think this is excellently done.  If they words were cruel, which I suspect they were from the title and the last stanza, the images of them being sweet and shining and glowing are perfection.  What a juxtaposition.

The last stanza adds the punch that the reader needs to figure out the action of the piece.  

I also really enjoyed your line breaks in the first two stanzas. Even though your notes say it was written due to sleep deprivation, they seem very deliberate.

Good read.