No. The whole thing is based on the fact that she can’t see and the flirtation isn’t what she thinks it is. Thank you for reviewing.
Poetry / THE EDGE OF FLIRTATION
Even now,
I try to picture your face in my mind,
Yet I cannot.
And, bending closer to serve your coffee, I wonder why have I not noticed
before today that your eyes shine the richest, deepest, chocolate brown?
I have been lost, distracted, and misdirected, and I would apologize, though, it’s
more than likely you have not noticed me in the way I have most recently and
absolutely without question, noticed you.
Encourage me,
Perhaps with only the smallest of smiles
Directed my way.
Speaking of which, I also ask why have I not noticed before
today that your smile shimmers on the edge of flirtation?
In all probability I was stranded on the moon, for what excuse could I possibly
use that would explain my lapse of clarity while in the presence of your
enveloping aura, your scent of woodsy nutmeg with a hint of ginger, the warm
masculinity of your hand surrounding mine as you shake me from my
self-imposed neglect.
Oh, dear. What a surprise.
I must breathe.
A task requiring deep concentration when you’re near,
Else I may faint.
Would that event not give you a clue as to my newfound, secret
feelings for you?
Yes, stirring feelings that have erupted from a previously unknown molten core
and left me aflame with desires more fitting of a wanton goddess of love resulting
in my current, wonderfully weakened state.
I’m reborn,
Soft and giddy to the point of popping,
Yet I shall not.
Am I not in control of my person, except, it seems, for the lack of feeling in my
legs, and a heart which has chosen to beat a wild, unsyncopated, jungle-like
rhythm?
As you walk towards me now it is uncomfortably evident that oxygen is not
reaching the higher atmosphere surrounding my brain. I shall, however, play the
distant, cool and aloof, mature female that I am until… what was that you said?
“Red is definitely your color.” Oh, sweet flattery! I smile and joyfully respond,
“Oh, really, thank—”, only to look down and realize I wear a black and beige
plaid jumper.
Even now,
I feel you brush past me and I turn to see
You approach her.
And I ask, how have I not noticed before today the uncanny physical development
of my cousin, the redhead in the voluptuously perky red dress standing barely
two meters behind me?
As I recoil to make my way unobtrusively back to the lukewarm cup of tea
waiting at the little table in the dusty corner of my very own café, I decide that I
will make a hasty return to the cold, calculated character necessary to oversee
operations of such a place of business. First however, I feel the overwhelming
need to be informed of current world events so I nonchalantly open the daily news
and discover I must feign interest as I am reminded again of the resolution I
promised to make on New Year’s Eve—
From now on, I shall remember to wear my glasses.
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Blue reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this a lot. You capture and draw out multiple emotions from the reader which is very impressive.
“you undress me with your eyes, it is clear oxygen no longer permeates the atmosphere surrounding my brain. I am abuzz, atremble, fingers quiver as I strive clumsily, I fear, to smash down stubborn wisps of hair that surely sprout from the most incongruous locations of my head and -- my, you smell good, er -- hmm?”
This was my favorite paragraph as it captures comedy but keeps us grounded in your overall theme and feelings.
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richardlynn51 reviewed Version 2 -
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Very enjoyable..I felt your feelings.. provacatately.I was in the cafe privy to your feelings..nice….I want more from the ending though..do the glasses represent vanity or a reminder to focus on current events and not events of the heart?...good writing, thanks
nails29 reviewed Version 2 -
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you have a good flow of language, but the poem has too many analogies. and its difficult to believe someone would feel reborn after flirtation. i like the the start of brown eyes and coffee. that could be funny, i suggest developing one or two images as a start.
benwest reviewed Version 2 -
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I was really enjoying the poetry but then it kind of veered into a story on the second page? Still liked both though. You really captured the feelings of infatuation/desire perfectly.
youngjed reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this although I’d say its more like a very short story than a poem (there is far more narrative than there is imagery); and I liked the quirky conversationality of it. Some of the punctuation is out. I’d also change ‘ablaze with desire’ – its a teeny bit cliched.
MistyMix reviewed Version 2 -
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Some really fantastic images. Really impressive. You invite all of the senses in with your images which I find is difficult to do. My only suggestion would be that some of your sentences are quite wordy distracting from these great images. Maybe cutting them down still keeping the sharp image without all of the added words. There are several parts that stand out, but I laughed out loud at this part, “What? A shortbread biscuit for you today?” (TAKE ME NOW! TAKE ME HERE!). ”One moment,” as I glide gracefully in my wonderfully weakened state to fetch said biscuit, and tingle with anticipation on returning to your side where I can only stand and… watch your mouth as… you bite into the… (Gah!).” Wonderful work!
Blacktigre reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked the casual way you wrote the piece. It helped me connect with your words and, I would like to think, yourself.. The punctuation was also a big help. I found myself smiling througout the piece. You have really ventured to the brink of flirtation here.. good write.
NinaHarling reviewed Version 2 -
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This is the first piece i have reviewed, i really loved it. It shows that it comes from the heart and experience.
Candaceflorella reviewed Version 2 -
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This is subtle erotica. It is suggestive without being dirty, amusing and wonderful. It would fit well in a woman’s magazine such as cosmo I think. It has charm and class and is a well written piece with balance and light hearted wit.
johnnysnowblind reviewed Version 2 -
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Very well written peice you have here, very well indeed!
” It is clear oxygen no longer permeates the atmosphere surrounding my brain”! How delightful! I myself could have done no better!
Excellent choice of words throughout and thoughtful placement!
A winner on all accounts!
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