Poetry / Ophelia #1

Now this one has more meat than #3.  I had no problem getting this poem, and enjoyed it greatly.  I love some of your lines in this, like “laying in wait to be typical,” and “I need a tragic accident. / Brake me out of this beautiful /
  mundane mess.”  Great fun, good stuff, and I love how you invoke/call on the personage of Ophelia!

Thanks,

Michael

The poem is excellent, and I like the idea of the speaker being under water and calling upon literature (Ophelia) for advice about suicide. Why just Ophelia? A nice layer to this would be more literary figures who drown themselves. Even Virginia Woolf?

laying in wait = strictly this verby should be “lying” because it is intransitive.

Would the last line be better or worse with the reflexive “I guess I’ll drown myself.” As is, drowning would not be suicide; to drown oneself would. But then it would be too obvious for your poem.

And this is where I would find you,
Ophelia, in this place now.

I would open the poem with the opening lines like this. If you open like this, I feel that it would really show that you are addressing “Ophelia” and no one else.

In regards to punctuation, I would substitute some periods with commas. Play around with it, and see if that makes any sense.

( Pssttt.I don’t like to elaborate on punctuation and line placement because I feel that if the writer is writing the poem the way it is, it must be for a reason. )

It might be good to somehow explain who Ophelia is. When I looked at the title I thought that it was in reference to Ophelia in “Hamlet”.

I sense a strong struggle within this poem. Explaining who Ophelia is may help define it.

Happy writing!

Starting with the word “and” makes the reader think they’re starting in the thick of the action and they need to catch up.  If this is not the effect you’re going for – that might need revision.

“brake” should be “break” – unless you used that pun for a specific reason.

“laying in wait” – I’m not sure, but I think that should be “in waitING”.

I don’t understand the speakers relationship to Ophelia.  Was there a disaster? I think some clarification about the ACTION of the poem may be necessary.

You do have some great images in this piece.  The line about “beautiful mundane” is good.

This was a good read and with a little work, I think it could be a lot better.

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March 06, 2008

by pencil2008

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That is the effect i’m going for- like we’re in the thick of this together… and we can’t catch up. The relationship should not be clear bc it is a constantly transitioning thing. It’s like a prayer for transcendence, not a story.
Thanks for the review. I’m working on all my “Ophelia’s”. I really want to find a way to make myself clear to people.
OH! And thanks, I’m a horrible speller!

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This is really good stuff just the way it is. Unfortunately this isn’t review worth reading if I leave it at just that. So, interest of constructive criticism; I’m a big fan of Ophelia, and I really think the name works well here. I wonder about using “her” in the larger context though. To me, Ophelia is the the tragic character from Hamlet and the Tom Waits’ song, Who Are You. When I think of Ophelia, I see a victim. Here, you’re asking for her help. It’s possible that this very thing is what you were going for. If that be the case, then more power to you. If not, it might ring more relevant to use a character who shows strength.

Another thing is that, during the first few lines, I feel like this is a male’s point of view. I think that until you identify the main character as a female.

Finally, “laying in wait to be typical” is a great line, but I think it should read “lying in wait to be difficult.”

That’s it. Like I said, I like this a lot. I hope any of this was a little bit useful.

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February 25, 2008

by pencil2008

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Thank you for your review! I am absolutley using the tragic figure from Hamlet, that I feel was a victim for reasons out of her control, (kind of how we all feel at times)and asking her, one “victim” to another for “help”. I like “lying” instead of “laying” too. I use that in the third poem I write with ophelia intertwined. I really like her, she is one of the most interesting, least appreciated figures in literature, in my opinion. This is my first day on Ubris and I’m pumped! so thanks again. I’m curious, what about the first few lines brings a male perspective? And how does one send messages directly to other members (not computer saavy!)

February 26, 2008

by Wayne

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By all means then, right on with this poem. Ophelia is a is a great character, I’ve always been a fan. I guesss I thought it was a male perspective because the subject is seeking her out and looking for that “tragic accident.” To me, a tragic accident has romantic connotations. And again, maybe that’s what you were going for. As far as writing me directly, I think you can do so by going to my to my profile, there’s probably a send message feature there somewhere.

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Oooh I love it! Style is simple and intriguing, subject is captivating and literary but with great relevance, this was wonderful to read. One thing – the first bit lead me in a different direction than where you went with it. I’m stuck trying to figure out just where “in this place now” is. The suburbs? I guess that could be clearer. But this is great. Good luck.

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February 25, 2008

by pencil2008

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Thank you for your review. I haven’t figured out how to send direct messages, so… “In this place now” is not JUST the suburbs, although that is def. part of it. It also refers to my place in time, I wrote it over 5 years ago, going through a divorce and a nasty custody battle. Thanks for the advice. I’ll work on making myself clearer in my writting. :)

February 25, 2008

by libby

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Wow, that adds a lot of perspective to it and I think it could really work well for you to add a few lines with a reference to the divorce and struggle after line 3. Something short, not too detailed, but just enough to give that perspective, because that really adds another dimension, more life. Just an idea!

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