Wow, thanks a lot. That’s the most positive review I’ve gotten so far! That made me laugh, I’m still working on it and I really need to shell out new versions of the other two chapters I’ve got so far. Thank you again!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Descent of Stars (Analysis)
Descent of Stars
He walked down the lush hills of Silia. They were a sea of greens with specks of red and yellow for the occasional flower. The sea rolled and swayed, but no waves appeared. He wore a katana on his side and a slight grin on his young face. Suta was nineteen years old and had just bought a new sword. He sprinted as fast as his legs could carry him to the training spot which resided in a flat area a small ways ahead of him. The midday sun warmed the grass and the young man’s bare feet that tread upon it. Suta stopped just for a moment to look up into blue bliss that smiled down at him. Suddenly, the sky seemed to close like a door. Its white clouds darkened and ceased to be backlit by the now covered sun. The moon stepped in as a replacement. The man’s smile faded as he stood staring in awe at what he’d just seen. The stars appeared and twinkled briefly. Then they began to fall. Suta stared in utter amazement for a moment at the beautiful sight and his face turned to horror. One was falling toward him. He sprinted quickly away from the area that he saw it would crash. The star approached at an incredible speed. A white glow gained more and more of a blue hue as it neared. Soon the object collided with the ground. Gigantic sparks and flares of energy exploded from the impact. The shockwave of the colossal crash threw Suta onto his stomach at least two yards from where he’d been standing. A bright white smoke billowed out from the scene of the crash. He turned around to try and see into the thick haze. Faintly and then more audibly he heard a fragile and hard coughing coming from within. He squinted trying to get a glimpse of what was inside the fog and then it appeared. There was a young girl. Her hair and squinting eyes were the same blue as the aura of the star she was born of. Suta thought to run from this strange event. His heart beat like crazy, and his breaths were short and ragged with nervousness. The girl lay slightly huddled on the ground coughing and gasping for air as if she wasn’t used to breathing it. Suta swallowed hard and crept toward the girl. She continued to cough and did not even seem to make an effort to stand. Suta stood only about a foot away from her now. She was incredibly beautiful and he blushed at the site of her nude form. He willed against himself not to look at anything but her face, but he was still stunned by her visage. He knelt down near her and tried to think of what he should say when her eyes suddenly shot wide open and stared at him,
“Higesu, Nada shime go ware!!!” she shouted sitting up quickly and crawling backward away from him. Suta stopped for a moment. ’Higesu?,’ he thought, ‘that’s my last name…’ Suta then tried to approach again,
“Hey, I’m not going to hurt you…I really won’t. I’m just as shocked as you…” Suta reasoned reaching out his hand. The girl looked up at him with her beautiful blue eyes as he approached then just as he reached her she gnashed at him with two sharp fangs and shot backward again. She breathed hard and was very afraid. The dark sky suddenly ripped open and began to bleed a terrible rain. The wind howled harder and Suta’s black and blue robes began to blow along with it. His blue scarf flew in his green eyes and he had to pull it back down. His black-as-night hair was in a long ponytail down to his mid back that now whipped around wildly. Suta moved back toward the girl. Her blue hair was now matted down over her face and her breasts. She still sensed him near but seemed to dare not to move. Suta swallowed again, “I can help you. If you stay out here you’ll just get sick…” he said. The girl did not move. Lightning split the sky, “We have to get inside now! This is only going to get worse!” Suta shouted. The girl looked up more in response to the lightning than to him. She gazed up at the sky where it had come from,
“Raidan matsu kirai…Higesu…” she said. Then surprisingly she smiled at him. Suta smiled back unknowingly. She stood and came toward him, “Jukei! Seno sutukei lai…” she said angrily and then calmly. She reached him and they looked at each other for a while. He put his gloved hand on her feminine shoulders and then quickly draped his outer black cloak over her. She collapsed into him.
Several minutes later they arrived at Suta’s house at the bottom of an area known as Greencrest Valley. Suta was carrying the girl and he quickly burst into his own home. He placed the girl on a small blanket and wrapped her in multiple quilts. He then went into his kitchen. It was small but adequate. There was no door leading into it, or even much of a separation at all. The difference was that there was a large icebox here and a stove with a few counters. As he peeled off his layers of wet clothes down to only wearing his dark pants he approached the stove. He began to boil a pot of water and threw in multiple different sliced fruits, herbs, and small berries. He was preparing a native drink called heto. Once the water had boiled it would be strained and cooled a small bit. He sighed and went to close the door,
“What a day it’s been…” he said to himself.
Suta sat in a chair in his kitchen for a while. He jerked his head up as he almost fell asleep. He shook his head and stood going over to check the heto. Almost done. He inhaled the potent scent that came from the brew. It was a very sweet smell. Suta walked back into his living room. It was vastly empty. A simple series of small pallets lined the floor. The young girl lied down on one. She was no longer bundled up among all of the blankets. She had apparently flailed most of them off. Only a thin sheet covered her most private of privates now. She still squirmed a bit. Suta noticed again how well developed the girl was. He blushed in spite of himself and shook his head. He walked over and draped another blanket over her. She squirmed again,
“Warm…” she moaned. Suta’s eyes shot wide open,
“W-wait…did you just speak my language?” he asked,
“Be quiet…Mikomi is tired…”said the girl rolling over and revealing her whole backside. Suta quickly re-covered her,
“Who? Mikomi? Is that you?” Suta asked. Mikomi nodded,
“Yes…Mikomi is Mikomi.” She said,
“Oh…how did you learn how to speak so quickly?” Suta asked. Mikomi suddenly shot up with the quilts draped over here privates still. She looked agitated,
“Mikomi is tired!” she shouted. Suta left the room and came back with too hot mugs of heto. Mikomi pretended to be asleep for a while but smelled the drink. She sat up again and slid forward grabbing a mug from Suta who sat down. She smelled it and smiled,
“Be careful…that is hot.” Suta told her. She tried to take a big drink but burned her tongue,
“OW!!!” she cried,
“I told you it was hot…” Suta said sipping the brew. The sweet flavorful taste soothed his weariness and cut the chill that lingered in his bones as it flowed down his throat in a river of warmth. He sighed in refreshment as he exhaled. Mikomi seemed to figure out what “hot” meant now and mimicked Suta by sipping the drink. She smacked her lips for a moment and then smiled,
“Mmm, what is hot thing?” she asked,
“It is called heto. Do you like it?” Suta asked. Mikomi nodded,
“It is…lishi in my language…” she said struggling to find the word
“You mean good?” Suta asked with a knowing grin. Mikomi cocked her head to the side,
“I suppose…” she agreed,”Yes…the heto is good. And Higesu is good?” she asked. Suta looked up from his steaming mug at her,
“Um…technically it is ‘well’ but yes…I am Suta. I am well thank you.” Suta replied calmly,”Can I ask how you knew my name?”
“Mikomi guessed” she replied taking another long sip of the heto,
“Guessed? That cannot be right…” Suta said. Mikomi looked at him worriedly,
“Guessed is not right? Then maybe…Mikomi thought? I thought your name Higesu…better?” she asked
“How? That doesn’t seem possible. Unless…can you read minds? Are you a telepath Mikomi?” Suta asked with a brimming interest. Mikomi looked confused,
“Mikomi can ‘think’ others’ thoughts. Just like all Nihoshi. Mikomi learns your language slowly through Suta’s thoughts. This is how Mikomi learned some today.” Mikomi explained all this with a seeming absence of thought. Suta looked amazed,
“Incredible! Hey, what is a Nihoshi?” he asked leaning in toward Mikomi. She drew the sheet over herself more tightly,
“Well…I am Nihoshi. I know, that doesn’t tell Higesu his answer. Um…Nihoshi is people like Higesu. We are born in other Nihoshi. Lots of time ago was when we lived. I think something happened so we become stars. When star thinks it is safe time it puts us back on Seken. Seken is world right? Mikomi lived in Seken and then something happened. Nihoshi became stars and then we come back sometimes. Mikomi is back now. Higesu understands?” Mikomi asked. Suta looked at her in still wonderment,
“Hm…I may. You say you’re from a long time ago, and that your people become stars and come back when it’s…safe? So you just resume your life in a random time? It does not matter when? Amazing.” Suta responded,
“That is survival technique.” Mikomi said, “Good-night Suta.” Mikomi lied back down and pulled the larger quilt back over herself and drifted off quickly. Suta sighed and looked down at her mug of heto. Empty. He finished his off and took them back to his kitchen area setting them on the counter. He stared at his new sword, the freshly lacquered sheath shining under the rays of light that cut through this false night. He looked over at Mikomi who was already soundly sleeping. He stood and grabbed the blade walking out to his backyard with it. He could train without being at his secret spot today.
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Jan_Glinton reviewed Version 3 -
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MikelsCycles reviewed Version 3 -
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Very intriguing so far. My only comaplaint is…”flavorful taste”?
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ninjaj5 reviewed Version 3 -
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Robsyn reviewed Version 3 -
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RhysTimson reviewed Version 3 -
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“blue bliss” is a nice, unusual way of describing the sky. IT would have been great if you could have kept up this level of innovation. Later on you describe Suta’s hair as ‘black-as-night’ this is more than a little cliched and not the most poetic of descriptions. If you want to impress upon the reader how black his hair is try comparing it to something realy dark like obsidian, midnight, pitch, tar etc. (none of these are very original but you get my point).
Also ‘area that he saw it would crash’ is a very awkward sense and needs rewriting. ‘her most private of privates’ sounds like the kind of thing a shy schoolboy would write.
This is still only a fragment so would be interesting to see where it goes next.
DarkBelladonna13666 reviewed Version 3 -
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I thought that this was a great story. I loved the visuals in this story. The plot was great. I really loved the fine details in this story. I thought that you did a great job on it and I hope that you try to get it published. I was mainly clear and it entertained me. It was wonderful.
bravis reviewed Version 3 -
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B_Jo reviewed Version 3 -
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rotivator reviewed Version 3 -
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You have some interesting elements, the telepathic angle is not one I often see in fantasy, the challenge will be keeping that reading of thoughts ability first in your mind, so it never contradicts itself. My criticism is that we have two stragers in this story, while I certainly like the aspect of gaining knowledge and understanding of Mikomi, I think your story could be strengthened by gioving us more info on Suta before she is introduced into the story. Nice choice of an eastern setting, too many fantasies are basically renamed middle age europe, thanks for sharing.
avidwriter29099 reviewed Version 3 -
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This is fantastic.
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