Journal, Diary, & Blogging / monstrous
A cool quaking jagged monster is bubbling to my dermis. It threatens to transform me into the bitch that I never allow myself to be. It scares me because when I close my eyes, I can see what it’s capable of doing. What I’m capable of doing. What I want to do and could never admit to wanting needing desiring feeding feeling. Judgments, you see. They’re everywhere. And I fear that I can’t contain it any longer. It’s not thoughtful. It’s certainly not pretty. I wish I could quell this god damned monster for just a bit longer. Forever would be nice. Or even until it shrinks into grotesque numbed nothingness.
I have to say – I’m trying to be optimistic. It’s made me smarter, too (see? optimistic). A mother fucking genius. I realized something this morning. As I walked out into the frigid air, I watched my breath in front of me, and it dawned on me that it’s almost not mine. Not much anyway. It belongs to this monster. This hideous creature. The icy wind warmed the insatiable chill inside. Now I’m left with a pervading thought, the kind that borders on obsession – it’s the notion that it is easy to think evil thoughts. It might even be easy to carry them out. The hard part is living with consequence. Lucky for him, I’m always looking for the easy way out.
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Angry, eloquent (of course) and honest. Well felt. And good to admit what we all feel. I’m sure lots of people will say the same.
I see the following contradictions (but of course contradiction is part of what you’re feeling/expressing):
“What I want to do and could never admit to wanting” (but you are admitting it right now)
Following “forever” with “even until . . .” seems illogical. “at least” ?
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