Haiku/Senryu / 9/27/07

Dark, but really lovely. I think I might like a different word than “building” in the last stanza, only because I think of that in terms of solid, not liquid, if no adjectives are present. That said, I can’t think of another word. :)

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May 04, 2008

by Deadsage

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
205	85.0% (60 votes)	24.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Springfield, MO	November 19

the pools are…..pooling!  yeah, building is a bit weak.  I’ll think on it.

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maybe you should call it ‘the river of life’ or something idk. its good tho, nothing i would change

I am not sure if you mean for this to be simple or complex? The word “building” seems to make me think this is not talking about a stream. I began to think back to my childhood, specifically the summer days when we would play in the pool. One day the pool collapsed and I stood there watching the water drain. Thanks for bringing back a memory.

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April 25, 2008

by Deadsage

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
205	85.0% (60 votes)	24.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Springfield, MO	November 19

Glad to have been of service.

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your words bring imagery to my mind
I see, feel…hummmm
for me, not even the first word needs capped

I imagined a few scenarios in which this verse might fit, but in the final analysis, I don’t know what this poem is about.

Wow…way to tell a story and have the reader wanting more.
Bravo.

Another one with no title – totally different from your last one I reviewed.  Rather grusome image this gives, but an interesting effect of creating a resounding and huge impact of such a quiet image as this.  This one each line manages to encompass a lot of beautiful imagery and poetry – very impressive for a haiku, as well as maintaining the flow of the image.

This is kind of gross, but i really shouldn’t be talking because I write poems that are a touch on the morbid side. But I like your choice of words, it makes me wriggle, it makes me uncomfortable. It made me perceive something I’m still not quite sure of. Thank you, and nice job.

Nice, it evokes either suicide in a bathtub or some sort of aquatic creature/ Mr. Freeze melting to his end. I give you 9 since there is no title!

How about:

Upon Melting or
He Melts or
Watered Down?

Mikhail

I need to go swimming too.. Great work. I loved the Detail’s.. I am still new to this whole Haiku review but YEAH.. Awesome Work..