Poetry / With Royal Blood (Analysis)
The King, he sat upon his chair,
To us, it was his throne.
The smells of feasts were in the air,
the sounds of harper’s tone.
The Queen, she sat beside him,
and watched the serfs at dance.
This masquerade was not grim,
as Lords and Ladies pranced.
The Princess was alone, and shy,
her hair adorned with gold.
Too timid, she, to even try,
a dance—she wasn’t bold.
The Prince, he stifled many yawns,
Quite plainly, he was bored.
Weary, he falls asleep to dawn,
His hand laid on his sword.
The guests, they left, as clocks struck five,
The royals, fast asleep.
Whilst unbeknownst, with little strive,
A murderer did creep.
A muted knife, he used to slit,
The Queen and King of life.
Across the hail, they slayer flit,
The children in his eyes.
As morning broke, the blood was lit,
Dark crimson on the floor.
It sunk in, like an endless pit,
The monarchs—were no more.
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You offer the disclaimer that you spent an hour on this poem, and to me, it shows. The meter and rhyme is singsong but inconsistent. What was your goal for this poem? It doesn’t seem to strive for an novel imagery or ideas. The narrator is uninvolved, and it doesn’t really evoke empathy from the reader.
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I like the twist in that you killed off the royal family. Your wording was really interesting and really light for such a gory subject. It was actually really good. One complaint, though;
“Too timid, she, to even try,
a dance—she wasn’t bold.”
You say she’s too timid and then you say she wasn’t bold—well, we know. Obviously if she’s timid she’s not bold. I think you could rework that second line and come up with something better to rhyme with gold.
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Changes
-“the masquerade, far from grim”
-“a dance so very bold”
-“he fell asleep to dawn”
-“across the hall”
the whole of it overall is great- I love the story. Keep up the good work.
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This 101 word review has not been unlocked.
grammer seems to be ok with the tense your using. oh The Smells of feasts try this (the aroma of the feast was over whelming)or( the aroma of the feast was intoxicating) other than that a fair to good write. keep up the writing and never quit because of a little negative review old farts like us LOL. your doing good stay with it. but watch how you keep your tense ie past present furture. get a dictionary & thesaurus spell checker at any retail store or wal-mart or radio shack. and use it like a bible. this will also help improve on grammer and structure. Take care stay safe God Bless.
Sincerely,
Walter
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