No, no! You must rise up against the onslaught of the armpit farters at once! This sort of behaviour begins in the home. Perhaps chain this boy’s father up for a few weeks, give him time to think. As for the boy… ground him for three months if he so much as rhymes the word fart. That’s Claire_D parenting.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Claire_D On Flirters
I do not need male companionship at this particular juncture in the Claire_D saga. I would like to invite the entire male population to hop back on their shoddy bikes of lechery and peddle into the plague-infested swamplands of self-denial. There is no need for you as of now. When you have grown old and bitter, shedding all semblance of self-assurance and egocentricity, you can approach me and beg for a marriage. I might refuse. I might not.
My knuckles have grown brittle through punching too many strutting winkers. The sexualisation of our globe has turned our supposedly intelligent civilisation into a repugnant borough of sleaze and disrepute. The filth is becoming too firmly encrusted to wash off.
I cannot move for suggestive advertising and bozos drenched in toxic man-musk approaching me with their pubic hairs weaved into love hearts. I am battling a world in which the male sex has slunk into a state of submission and where the female sex has taken a step back, poking the males with skewers and telling them to behave themselves. As a result, women have abused their empowerment, turning men into lustful halfwits crawling the streets desperate for sad pleasures and motherly refuge. We need to wise up.
We need a four-month moratorium on gender divisions. For four months, women must walk around in the armoured padding of American footballers, drawing no attention to themselves as sexual beings. Conversely, men need to dress in clown outfits. The human race will become cleansed of the need for sex through extreme discomfort and utter self-loathing.
When the time is up, we can recommence relationships and gender differences in moderation. Women will have learned not to abuse their superiority and men will not be so needy and pathetic. (Insert hysterical laughter here).
So I implore all suitors to back off as of now. Discuss your forthcoming plans to make armpit farts or eat bubble wrap with your spotty friends. Get to work on debasing yourselves for the sake of your own salvation.
It’s the way through.
Swing with me, people.
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mooki69 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was very funny. your ideas are rather extrme but that just increases the humor in the pice which I thought was well done. Your soulution is perfect, I think Clowns (It’s the noses). Again very good work
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ashkrafton reviewed Version 1 -
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Classic Claire_D. I lay bets that you’ll get 3 reviews which correct your English English.
My son is six and he recently mastered the armpit fart. His father is quite proud, and has already started advanced enrollment for college, as he now deems the lad ready for the world.
I admit, I am not as cynical as you are, and I laugh like a fool when the boy squeaks at me. I’ve the sense of humor of a sixth grader. But for everybody else, they should take your advice. I’ll keep quietly to myself.
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey, my lechery bike is NOT shoddy… and who told you about our swamplands of self-denial?! They told me at the meeting that was supposed to be a secret.
Seriously, this is a very humorous and keen swipe at a very serious target. When I make a female friend (for real) on here or on Myspace, they always tell me that they’re daily inundated with incredibly creepy messages from men. ”Desperate for sad pleasures and motherly refuge” indeed. I’ve never heard it put so well. ”I know from your poetry you’re my soul mate.” I can’t image the delusion and self-denial it takes to send a message like that to someone!
Unfortunately, “extreme discomfort and utter self loathing” hasn’t worked for us yet. Maybe if more people wrote as insightfully as you? But they won’t.
And hey, armpit farts? Hardly. We real men make them authentically.
jdgosslee reviewed Version 1 -
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Great and hillarious.
Ah, so there are still real women with a mind and a soul roaming this vast expanse that should be called “we don’t plan-it earth,” as the people in modern times go through the paces of life rather than living and making a future with long and short term goals.
So, I think your suggestion is apt that men who have degenerated to lust inflicted lady groupies should debase themselves and the women responsible for the degeneration should also.
As I would like to have a relationship where a women is my intellectual, sexual, spiritual and physical equal, because every time I turn around, some bitch is flaunting her shit and I can only think as the men swarm around the honey pot that everyone is acting like a bunch of animals.
Claire D, I read your writing is very poignant and humorous, I laughed a couple of times, I will continue to read your posting with enthusiasm. Men are not the only ones suffering the half wit disease, when I talk to a girl about philosophy or geology or anything ending in eee, other than mt-vee, I am so moved by the lack of mentality that I just move the other way.
ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 1 -
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While I find your piece, as usual, quite hilarious… I am troubled by your views on people who flirt. While I myself, have thrust that whole act of meeting new members of the opposite sex and hoping for something more, that doesn’t embitter me towards the female gender in general… well… let me be more specific… I have resisted my jaded urges in that direction and tried to remain neutral. I do like the part about bozo costumes and football uniforms. I am not sure what “superiority” you speak of… I thought we were “all equal” nowadays.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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In the third paragraph, the first sentence seems to describe unwanted advances, where the second sentence states that “the male sex has slunk into a state of submission.” These two concepts seem contradictory to me, and may need some more explanation to get your point of view across.
I think that the statement that women have “abused their empowerment,” leading to turning men into “lustful half-wits…etc. etc.” could use some more supporting evidence in the piece.
cfbraun reviewed Version 1 -
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Angry woman rejected by most men seeking to settle up. Wow. Felt the anger. You sliced and diced with surgical precision. Probably would go right over the heads of most guys though. Excellent use of creative language to really make it sting. If I were on the receiving end. I wouldn’t be calling back. Ever.
Nice rant.
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