For the record, I just read it all.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Winds of Change Ch 2
Chapter 2
Second father was waiting at the trail head when the pair reached its end. “ArTrevenol, I’m so sorry. I got expelled again,” she burst out as they entered hearing range. The tall, dark copper skinned man nodded in reply. His jet black, shoulder length hair waved in the stiff breeze.
“So, I heard.” He pulled some leaves out of her hair with his large, long-fingered hands. “I see you were climbing trees again. I hope you had sense enough to refrain from doing so during the storm. You could get struck by lightning.” ArTrevenol frowned as he continued to remove twigs from her adventure strewn hair. His dark cocoa to hazel tri-colored eyes missed nothing of her messy state. “You always get into so many adventures. I swear it is in your soul to test the limits, isn’t it?”
NaJessera explained “I didn’t climb a tree. I was running in the rain, and slid into a tree. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“You are the strangest being on this planet, my dear. I wish I knew what to do to help you be acceptable. If you were not so impulsive you would avoid most difficulties.” ArTrevenol sighed with eyes and voice resonating his sorrowful chiding.
“I can’t help it. I’m just not fit to be around sentient people,” she snapped, sensing his wish to change her into someone she knew she couldn’t be.
“Well, I can’t get any more trash out of your hair.” ArTrevenol Loe’Kergnix started walking along the pathway.
“I know.” NaJessera let her eyes fall as she moved woodenly toward the main Dhag Hall compound where House ‘Edran resided.
“Care to tell me what happened?” ArTrevenol prodded for information as they walked to the elevators.
NaJessera turned her face to meet her much taller second father’s worried gaze. “I got dismissed by the headmaster because he’s a friend of Kliigal Dhag’Kliggif. Of course proving that is next too impossible. I‘m not sure why I’m bothering to mention it.”
ArTrevenol blinked in surprise. “Why do you think that, Jessera?”
“I hate my talent, because it keeps getting weirder on me. Still, I know what it showed me today. He used my termination to get even with first mother. He was gloating over turning me into a laughing stock. I could feel it radiating off of him.” The fifteen-year-old balled her hands into fists as she tried to defend herself.
“I believe you. Even if I don’t have any talent, I know you are honest about what you perceive.” A large hand swallowed her left shoulder in a caring grip. He let his arm drop, and exited the lift with NaJessera, and NaCalanth following him into their House.
First mother NaNarla Dhag’Edran was pacing when the trio entered the common room. She stared with all the warmth of a glacier, NaJessera decided. The petite woman with dark mahogany waist-length braided hair, and silver talent’s locks at both temples turned tri-colored green, and blue ringed eyes on her middle child. She wore the regal gown of Dhag Hall ambassadors. She looked every inch the commander of all she surveyed. Lacquered green and gold nails graced her elegant fingers that pointed at her middle child with cold disdain. “So, you can’t even conform to hygiene regulations, NaJessera.” Her biological mother’s spiteful tone made her jump. “You not only disgrace our family name frequently through your actions. You can’t bother honoring your House by looking presentable! How could you appear in this condition when we have guests?”
Her parents had seated most of her siblings on the low-backed couches littering the room’s perimeter. The adults of ‘Edran House sat at intervals between the children. Her siblings were staring at her with ‘you are going to get it now’ expressions. She sighed inside, grateful that her triplet sister was on Chasstra Critch helping to translate the two species written language into Coalition standard.
Three strangers were also present. She glanced over the trio without paying attention to details. She noticed that among the strangers was a Dawpangi, and another was Tyfarth. An Ashkagi Elomi was also present. NaJessera refrained from showing rude interest. It was not unusual for the House to entertain other species because of first mother, and father’s positions. Remorse flooded her over her appearance. It affected her family’s standing which she did not want to harm.
She watched from the corner of her eye as NaCalanth tried to sneak unnoticed from the room. “Exactly where do you think you are going?” Their biological first father, NaAristak Dhag’Furan demanded. His cinnamon toned hair, and single silver talent lock was their inheritance. The triplets had gotten their mother’s eyes. Two inches taller than their petite mother, at five foot seven inches, NaAristak was a well-built man. He also knew how to command respect with a quirk of an eyebrow the same as their first mother.
“I was going to grab something to drink.” NaCalanth blushed as his stomach made his hunger known.
“Be flash fast in your ways!” NaNarla snarled at his behavior. “I expect such rude things from your triplet sister, not you.” She rounded on NaJessera. “I am giving you time to make yourself presentable. I suggest you be flash fast in your ways also. I won’t have you touch the furniture in that state of . . . ” Her voice trickled away, grimacing with a wrinkled nose.
NaJessera bolted from the room to obey first mother’s order. She wished she could simply vanish from existence. “Postponed ordeals are always worse. Especially when the postponements are considered my fault,” she muttered while cleaning up.
A glance in the mirror left her cringing. Her tri-colored green to blue ringed irises contained star-shaped pupils that flashed defiance even now. NaJessera’s face was delicate with a stubborn jaw and chiseled nose. Her mouth was generous in proportion. A large bruise was developing on her right cheek from her tumble off the cliff. She sported scratches on her chin from climbing the branches to save herself. “Just perfect!” The teen dropped her head to her chest. Her right shoulder throbbed from the strain it had suffered. She wasn’t certain, but she thought it might be swollen. Her clean Edran tunic was tighter than normal when she dressed.
She gave herself a quick shake, and padded down the hall to the main room. She was bare footed. It wouldn’t gain her any points, but at least the floors would not suffer from her impetuous habits.
NaNarla was sweeping across the room, and back again trying to marshal her distress. Seeing her mother so flustered was rare. As a famous diplomat, and goodwill ambassador, her mother had no equal. It meant that this scandal must be a threat to her position. Her second dismissal must have reflected badly on her family’s reputation.
“I’m sorry I failed a second time, first mother. I really tried not to . . . ”
“Exactly what did you think you were trying to accomplish with your stunt, youngling?” Her birth mother cut her apology off, with a raised arm.
ArTrevenol stood beside NaJessera. He placed a large hand on her sore shoulder, not knowing she had injured it. The contact generated a tiny wince as the weight of his hand rested on tender flesh. She ignored the throbbing. She was grateful for his presence. She was probably going to need it. “I wasn’t pulling any stunts, First mother. I was trying to help the Mundricorus get out of their shuttle.” NaJessera furrowed her brows as she watched her mother tilt her head.
“You are part of the House of ‘Edran. Yet, of all the children in this house, you alone bring disgrace daily!” NaNarla continued to sweep back and forth in front the picture window overlooking the family gardens. “NaJessera, you have always been prone to reckless behaviors and harmless impulses. But to cause this kind of difficulty, and even bring a charge down on your head is unfathomable.” Her hands were flurries of motion, keeping time to her steps. She gestured in jerky punctuation of her words.
“I really tried to do things right, first mother. I swear I didn’t intend to make anyone angry. I just thought . . . ” Again NaNarla silenced her under barrages of quiet rage.
“That stupid attempt to play mechanic is the lesser problem.” The mahogany haired woman glared at her impulsive daughter, daring her to speak her mind to the contrary.
Surprisingly, it was third father, RiShanack Sco’Edran who interrupted. “My lady, you know very well that ArTrevenol has repeatedly spoken against sending NaJessera to a diplomatic hall. He has explained succinctly why it was a poor choice.” He leveled his pacing partner with an admirable glare.
“She was born with the blood line of prominent House ‘Edran! She can’t simply go to any Hall of Power beneath the House she was born into.” NaNarla snapped at her partner by House arrangement. RiShanack Sco’Edran stood, moving to her side with two strides. Much taller than his spouse, he towered over her tiny frame. Still, NaNarla was anything but cowed by his presence. She glared with her head back in a defiant posture that made her appear indomitable.
Like all Ri clan individuals, RiShanack had yellowish skin, and brilliant gold to gray ringed eyes framed by jet-black curly hair. He had a rounded face with a hawkish nose. He had a thin lipped appearance that hid his normally gregarious nature. “It is irrelevant now! Whether you, or I, feel that Technology Halls are beneath the Houses of our births, no longer matters.” He gripped NaNarla’s arm, forcing her to stand still as he spoke in quiet, but forceful tones. “Obviously, ArTrevenol was correct in his evaluation of this child’s temperament. We must also deal with the charges being levied against her. Or have you forgotten to learn the answer to that?” RiShanack kept his voice level as he drove his argument home.
ArTrevenol intervened from his place by NaJessera’s side. “What is more important to you both, your House standing, or your flesh and blood?” His eyes were darker than normal, looking black instead of showing rings of reddish brown and hazel. He was the tallest member of the household, standing six foot, two inches. His anger showed in the ruddiness seeping through his coppery complexion.
NaJessera looked up at her second father in surprise. “What do they mean by charges, second father?” She pulled lightly on his sleeve to insure she had his attention.
“There is a charge that you are a blood lock talent, Jessera.” ArTrevenol spoke gently.
As if on cue, the three strangers stood. “What is a blood lock talent exactly? I’ve heard the term, and read that it is against the law, but I don’t know what it means.” NaJessera looked to her second father for information.
“It is a talent that has gone very wrong. Blood lock talents are people who hurt others with their gifts.” ArTrevenol’s hand still comforted her by resting on her shoulder.
“Did you use your talent to kill the Headmaster of Lut Hall?” Her first mother demanded an answer in indignant tones.
“Wha?” NaJessera looked around the room in obvious confusion. “He was fine when I left earlier today. I never touched him. All I did was argue with him to keep me in the hall. I knew he wouldn’t because he was a friend of Dhag’Kliggif’s. But, I didn’t do anything to him.” Her body felt off, the prickly sensation crept along her limbs weighing them like stone.
“As you can see gentles, you have come here looking for the wrong person. I suggest that you search for another individual.” RiShanack nodded to the three Justice Hall officers who surrounded NaJessera.
“It is true that she is honestly confused by this charge.” A deep, gravely voice grunted in mild tones. NaJessera’s communicator translated the words. She turned, taking a closer look at the speaker. She catalogued the information she had learned in Lut Hall’s training as she looked him over. A Tivr outer hall robe covered the massive form of a Dawpangi desert dweller. Having viable talent was rare for the boar-bears of the desert world Deiwars. Tivr Hall only supported talent-based truth telling detective duties, so the Dawpangi had to be a talent. Truth tellers were rare in any race, making this Dawpangi very important.
The male’s massive chest sported long silky fur in bluish grays found in the southern hemisphere of the planet. He had shortened silver-capped tusks jutting from his upper jaw. His snout was blunted and his sharp teeth were kept hidden as was polite. His tawny eyes glowed with a mild bluish light as he used his talent to read her words.
A series of buzzes and clicks focused her attention on the Tyfarth. Tyfarths were eight legged, two-armed bugs that had long secondary pinchers along their forearms that could snap open and closed from their wrists to elbows. They had slender fingers above the pincher that could do the most delicate of mechanical work. They had double segments for their bodies, not including their mandible sporting heads. Tyfarths were the most famed mechanical geniuses inside the Coalition. This one wore the Hall colors of Kri. This was an arresting officer of the reformation colony branch of justice halls. She hadn’t considered the hall colors the three wore earlier.
“I do not think it is required so long as the youth cooperates.” The Dawpangi replied to the question she had missed. “Excuse me, but what is to happen to me?” The teen tried to suppress the quiver of her voice.
It was the Tyfarth who answered her question. “You must be tested to ensure that you do not have a dangerous talent. As my associate has said, so long as you cooperate there is no need for myself to take you into custody.” The buzzing and clicking of the alien’s language made her shiver. The translator gave her renewed hope as she learned what the Tyfarth said.
“What kind of testing do you need me to do? Will I have to look at others? My talent only tells me dark things about people, so I hope to avoid that.” The teen looked to the three justice hall officers hoping they would not change their minds about arresting her.
The Dawpangi looked at her with speculation in his eyes. “You speak truth. Why were you not sent to a justice hall for further testing?” The grunts, snorts, and whistles held notes of true surprise. The large male looked at her parents for an answer to his question.
“She belongs in a diplomatic hall.” NaNarla looked down her nose as she spoke to the much taller officer.
“It seems that you have a strong sense of duty to your family traditions, but little understanding of what is correct for the greater good of all.” The third member spoke. It was a Nyd hall psychologist for the justice branch. The fragile Ashkagi Elomi reptile was easy to overlook. NaJessera had read about this race, but had never before seen one. Long blue stripes marked the dainty being’s body, which was whipcord lean and supple. Its voice gave no concrete clues whether the lizard was male or female. Its body had thin frill membranes from behind each eye to the middle of each shoulder. Such natural appendages made outer robes difficult to wear. The Ashkagi Elomi wore a series of belts to mark its hall affiliation as an adaptation.
“Is that so?” NaNarla’s chin jutted at the angle NaJessera knew meant trouble. NaNarla always unleashed icy wrath in quiet tones when she set her jaw that way. “I fail to see how using her ability to see through deception in the diplomatic realms is of lesser good. Her ability can keep trade agreements fair, and honest.” Tri-colored eyes blazed as the tiny Dhag hall representative swept the three justice hall officers with a raking gaze.
“Diplomacy has many talents among hall ranks. Justice has greater need of such an ability, if viable.” The Ashkagi Elomi psychologist pointed out with sharp, hissed tones. Her translator tagged the word irritation to the translation so she knew the exact way the reptile spoke the thought.
“For the moment, I think this argument is irrelevant. Will you please enlighten us as to when, and where, these tests must take place?” ArTrevenol intervened.
“I require a few moments of this youngling’s time to ask questions. I must decide whether she is safe to leave here.” The psychologist inclined its head toward ArTrevenol.
“I can arrange that. If you will follow me?” ArTrevenol pulled NaJessera along as he moved toward his private office. The group moved into the room, and spread out among the comfortable chairs. Data crystals filled the room that ArTrevenol used to update the archives for the library branch of which he was in charge.
“Please remain, sir Loe’Kergnix. We feel that your second child will be more comfortable with a familiar presence in the room.” The psychologist gestured. NaJessera let a sigh escape her as her second father inclined his head. The reptile reclined on its stomach close to the chair into which the teen dropped. It watched the teen fidget with her hands as the Dawpangi and Tyfarth representatives arranged themselves. “As my associate has said, you know nothing of the charges that were filed. Someone with a talent killed the headmaster this afternoon. You are the main suspect. Therefore, I must ask that you tell us what happened earlier today.” The Ashkagi prompted NaJessera to give her side of the story.
“I was called to the headmaster’s office shortly before midday. Headmaster Lut’Kloon was speaking on the communicator to someone from Nol Hall. He was having someone come to check the conveyor in corridor five.” NaJessera swallowed trying to get moisture into her throat. “I waited for him to finish his conversation. He walked around the desk, and dressed me down for working on conveyor five. He told me that it is Nol Hall’s place to repair broken equipment, not mine. I mentioned that we had a shuttle with Mundricor passengers that would be trapped if I didn’t fix it.” The teen’s eyes swept across her second father’s belongings.
She felt as if a nightmare had invaded her world. “He scoffed at my mechanical skills. He said that mechanics as a hobby was fine if not pursued on hall time. Then, he handed me the termination disk. I tried to tell him I would do extra work to remove the demerit, but he was radiating spite. I felt his satisfaction at getting even with someone. The name Dhag’Kliggif popped into my head. I realized it was my first mother he was seeking revenge on. I always know things without being able to tell people how I know. It just happens.” She shook her head slightly, hands opening in a helpless gesture.
“So, you have the ability to sense things that you can’t always explain, similar to a touch reader. They know unexplainable things based upon touching an object.” Nyd hall’s psychologist interrupted to clarify.
“Yes. I’ve never understood how it works. I just know that it does, and is right.” NaJessera ran a hand through her damp hair considering what to say. “I got mad knowing that he was trying to get even with NaNarla for Dhag’Kliggif, and using me as a pawn. Still, I didn’t touch him. I glared at him because he was being a jerk, but when I left he was fine. He looked upset because I gave him a nasty look.”
“She believes every word she has said, Nyd’Thrim,” the Dawpangi addressed the Ashkagi Elomi psychologist.
“Yes. However, a talent does not need to touch someone physically to kill,” the reptile hissed in thoughtful tones. The Tyfarth chirped a questioning note that passed for their version of a hum. “Did anyone else come into the room while you were arguing over your dismissal?” Nyd’Thrim continued.
“No.” Jessera shook her head negatively.
“Was anyone waiting outside when you left?”
“I didn’t look around when I left. I was mad about being terminated, so I went to my locker and removed my things as ordered.”
“What happened once you retrieved your possessions?”
“I came home. Since my brother was home too, we went out to the wilderness path. It always helps me calm down to run in the wilderness.”
“I see. Is that why you were in such a disheveled shape when you arrived?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was running and I slammed into a tree.”
“I sense that you are not being completely honest in that answer.” The Dawpangi jutted his head forward in irritation.
NaJessera gulped. “I slid over the side of a cliff. I caught a hold of a branch so I didn’t get killed. I don’t like scaring my family, so I say I run into trees instead.”
“That is truth. The desire to protect your family from concern is commendable. However, it is a very bad habit when it causes discredit. Do you do such things often?” Her Dawpangi truth teller probed. The psychologist nodded for her to answer.
“Uhm, well, yeah.” NaJessera’s face scrunched into an uncomfortable expression. “I do get into scrapes when I‘m out there. I’m a big fan of tree climbing.” Her face flushed as the three justice hall officers watched her admit to her uncouth vice.
“Do you maintain then, that your various injuries were gained from this fall off of a cliff?” Kri hall’s officer buzzed at her.
“Well, where else could I have gotten so banged up?”
“Killing Lut’Kloon, which is why I must verify the extent of your injuries, and make certain of their origins.” The Tyfarth explained.
“Oh. I guess I never thought of that. I didn’t kill anyone so I have nothing to hide,” the teen grumbled at the trio questioning her.
“She is speaking truth. She did not gain her injuries from any altercation with Lut’Kloon.”
“Talent killed Lut’Kloon, not strength. That has already been established.” Nyd’Thrim reminded the other officers.
“Can I ask a question, please?” ArTrevenol interrupted the trio, who turned to him nodding consent. “How did a talent kill the Headmaster? I do not understand how that is possible.”
“A talent inserted a thread of bio-energy into the Headmaster’s form that disrupted the blood flow to his brain, triggering an explosion in the vessels within his head. He bled to death before help arrived.”
“I may live in a House surrounded by talents’ but that does not mean that I actively understand how their powers work. Please enlighten me so that I may understand what is at stake here.” ArTrevenol sounded irritated.
“Talents can shift bio-energy to another individual, and draw it back again. In doing so they learn unusual things about those whom they shift energy to by reading the returning energy. It is similar in concept to sonar used by certain species, such as bats. Talents have a region within their brains that functions as a filter for returning energy. The region closely relates to the portion of the brain that handles imagination in a non talent. In a talent it functions independently of the talent’s imagination.” Nyd’Thrim paused to allow time to digest the information.
“I understood talents as having a field of energy around their bodies that interacts with other beings’ bio-electromagnetic resonance. Is that not correct?” ArTrevenol tilted his head.
“Yes, that is a part of how they transfer the required energy. In cases of blood lock talent the energy does not return to the talent. It manifests in the victim through the force of will. It stays with the victim due to a desire to do harm to the victim. There is no cycling back to the talent, and the overload of psychic impulse energy kills the victim.”
“Then anyone who classifies as a talent can kill based upon refusing to take back their overlapping energy?” ArTrevenol paled as he spoke.
“In only a very strong talent is that possible. It takes a very large amount of bio-energy to manifest a full disruption of the nervous system of another sentient being.”
“Then you think NaJessera may have killed Lut’Kloon without even knowing she did so. Is that what you are inferring?” NaJessera looked at her second father who gripped the edge of his desk to remain standing.
“That is a possibility. In cases of accidental death, my hall retrains the talent in basic control. We return them to the main population once they have reestablished control. In cases where the talent cannot be controlled, they are moved to a secure location where they will not harm others.” The lizard moved from the chair it reclined on. “I am aware that your second daughter is under great stress within this House. It may become necessary to remove the worst stresses. Being so, I expect that she will be kept away from others until we call to arrange the final testing times.”
“I will try to prevent NaNarla from making things worse.” ArTrevenol’s tone was grim.
“That will be enough to control the situation, I believe. I will mention the parameters to her as we take our leave.” The Ashkagi Elomi promised before gliding from the room. Its associates moved close behind.
“I’m so sorry I made a mess of things, sir.” NaJessera dropped her face in her hands. “I am so very sorry.”
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, your chapter has a pretty good flow and your descriptions are good.
However, when you stop at each new character and give a static description it interrupts the flow of the chapter. Try interspersing some of the details through out the dialogue.
The dialogue is done well and the characters and story are interesting.
“she burst out as they entered hearing range.” Wouldn’t it be “as she entered hearing range?” It sounds like she is alone.
“stiff breeze.” I’m not sure a breeze can be stiff.
“long-fingered hands.” How about just “long fingers?” We already know that fingers are on hands.
“NaJessera explained “I didn’t climb a tree.” There is a comma missing after explained.”
“You not only disgrace our family name frequently through your actions. “You” should be “you are” or “you’re”
“He let his arm drop, and exited the lift with NaJessera, and NaCalanth following him into their House.” Where did NaCalanth come from?
“Her parents had seated most of her siblings on the low-backed couches littering the room’s perimeter.” The word littering makes it sound like the couches are scattered about. But, if they are around the perimeter then they are not scattered about.
“There is a charge that you are a blood lock talent, Jessera.” ArTrevenol spoke gently.” There should be a comma after Jessera.
“Her body felt off, the prickly” Do you mean fought off?
“by this charge.” A deep, gravely voice grunted in mild tones.” There should be a comma after the word charge. charge,” a deep
“She belongs in a diplomatic hall.” NaNarla looked down her nose as she spoke to the much taller officer.” I think this would be more effective it you switched the two sentences around.
“The Ashkagi prompted NaJessera to give her side of the story.” You don’t need to tell that Ashkagi prompted. It is already clear by the dialogue.
“No.” Jessera shook her head negatively” Negatively is not needed.
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Claire_D reviewed Version 1 -
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A couple of practical points for your delectation:
“trail head” – reference to something in previous chapter? Confused me a jot.
“copper skinned” – is hyphenated
“NaJessera decided” – at the end of the sentence on page two is clumsily phrase, perhaps put it at the beginning of the sentence but personally I would chop it out altogether
“flooded her over” – lose the first “her” here and also the use of “flooded” I think is incorrect, as a metaphor it was ineffective to me, i.e. in relation to the word “appearance” later on
“mahogany haired” – makes her sound like a piece of furniture, I say this since most people link the word “mahogany” with tables and so on rather than in relation to personal attributes
“let a sigh escape her as her” – two “hers” in quick succession, too dramatic a word “escape” to describe a simple sigh I think
“swallowed trying” should be a comma here (there are many examples of loose commas here, look out for them).
The dialogue is strong. You have the distant formality of the way they speak down to a tee, and although your are clearly creating your own mythology with these characters, you at least keep the reader who might not be au fait with your concepts entertained.
I think as it is, the piece is over-conceptualised. I was unsure whether you were dealing with one scientific issue or creating a whole self-penned panoply of concepts. I suppose their relevance will be made clear in other chapters. I just worry about losing the reader at this early stage in your work.
I think the names, personally are too cumbersome for the less committed reader to handle. You are making the reader commit to these hybrid words, and some readers have a hard time remembering the names of simple characters after even two or three pages. Perhaps work on very memorable names, those the reader is more likely to remember because of the sheer invention of the phrase (repeated syllables such as in Dickens or Gogol are effective).
Best of luck,
Claire_D
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
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On the made-up name front, I found some of these as difficult to pronounce as say the Russian contractions in say Dostoevsky. However, I don’t see this as a problem since you’ve made the names consist of short or repeated phrases in the style of Gogol i.e. NaNarla Dhag’Edran. As a fan of this type of creativity I found this fascinating. I also tried to piece together little clues about the character from the syllables you used.
One problem with this excerpt was that I found it to be bombarded with these concepts. I think you can only use so much of this before the reader gets confused or alienated by the strangeness and at times the story slips into jabberwocky.
However the story has a neat arc to it and follows on well from the previous part. The language is very readable and the style uncomplicated, making it accessible for a wide dispatch of readers.
Harold
HawkeyeMike reviewed Version 1 -
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I noticed that you spelt DhagHall like that and like this Dhag Hall. I don’t mean to sound cold and resonating, but if your naming a place decide which way your going to put it, otherwise other readers will be put off ( I know that’s a bit pathetic, but my english teacher ranted at us for doing it in our essay, so I guess its a good piece of advice to give).
Also maybe include at the beginning in the notes for reviewers how to pronounce things like ‘Kliigal Dhag’Kliggif’ because i mean, it’s quite trifling to figure out. Also, some people might be put off by the confusing names, so another point of advice.
The characters in this seem to glow with realism, which makes the story bound along almost like a movie. I could even see NaJessera talking with the lizard inside my own head.
Very good job. Post more please!
clayton115 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love what I see! It is a little confusing because I have started in the middle but it seems to be amazing! Is the father figure rich? He talks like a nobleman but I assume he is one. The only thing I would recomend is well… I don’t know of anything! This is far better than my work and excellent! I do not have time to finish it but will some other time. Thankyou for a good read and I hope to see more of your excellent work!
catherinespark reviewed Version 1 -
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Perhaps the double, and sometimes triple, entries of the same page is due to freezing/clicking of the screen? Either way, although it earns me credits, it probably loses you a lot of them – hope this can be sorted. Down to the review now; I love the tactlessness of second father on the first page, with things like “You are the strangest being on the entire planet”. Also, the cheek of NaJessera in her responses – it creates an odd affection in their tone towards each other, which sets up well for good characterisation. I found some pieces of information, although necessary, were a bit forced in their conclusion, such as the line “The fifteen year old balled her hands into fists…” doubtless there will come a time where the fact that she is fifteen becomes significant, and then you can leak that fact in; it’s also interesting for the reader having their picture gradually filled out as the story progresses. The strength of this story lies in the fact that, no questions asked, the reader is naturally included into NaJessera’s world as though they have always been there, and although there is some forced information about the characters, the setting and the thoughts characters have seem completely natural and spontaneous. This gave the story a charm that made me want to know more. Therefore if you can perfect the leaking-information technique, this will be a very entertaining read.
walterkernaich reviewed Version 1 -
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The Story does have fine taste, the details are very good, seen no real grammer problems, the punctuations seem to be in order. the strange words are just the way the story goes to make it interesting, go for sci fi and fantasy readers.
thanks good read.
writerchic reviewed Version 1 -
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It seems you have a very wide and diverse world within your story. I enjoyed ready it very much, but there are a few things that could be done that would help the piece.
‘The petite woman with dark mahogany waist-length braided hair, and silver talent’s locks at both temples turned tri-colored green, and blue ringed eyes on her middle child.’ This sentence is awkward, a little weird. It ruins the flow of the piece. I found other sentences like this, mostly when you were describing characters.
The world you created is definitely an interesting world. I was a little confused by the descriptions of the young girl’s family, of course that could be because I didn’t read the first chapter. The whole ‘first father’ and ‘second father’ was a little confusing, but then you threw in ‘third father’ and I got really lost. If it was described in the first chapter, then this isn’t a problem, but if it wasn’t you should pay attention to how you throw those terms around.
Altogether, this was an interesting piece and you are a convincing writer. Keep it up! :)
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
Read 7% of the Item
This chapter was gripping with the many action and reactions to various sequences of events… She was not aware that she caused any harm to the headmaster and surprised that his demise was with a talent… Hopefully the house will be able to keep the pepperpot first mother from making the situation worse.
Antigrav1117 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
A most excellent story! I really like the slow divulging of the “differentness” of the main characters, the complexity of the family unit, the abilities of a “talent”. Very good!
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12 Reviews 8 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 6 months ago
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