Mischief? Perks up.. Trust me, mischief, mahem, madness frustration and more will be her forte for all 5 books that I have plotted out for this little gal! Now if I can just figure out how to make her name understandable…. ?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / On Winds of Change
On Winds of Change by J. Oden
CHAPTER 1
Blood pounded a staccato beat in the ears of the small human female racing over a waterlogged pathway. Although small of stature, her form was lithe and slender. NaJessera ‘Edran tried to disperse the macabre thoughts hounding her as she dashed along a nature trail, heedless of the spring storm, or the uneven footing of the terrain. Her long cinnamon hair with a silver right temple lock was plastered to her form in a saturated mass though a few tendrils bounced free with her exertion. Her tri colored green to blue ringed irises contained star-shaped pupils that flashed defiance as she ran. NaJessera’s face was delicate with a stubborn jaw and chiseled nose that tiny. Her mouth was generous in proportion, and her teeth gleamed when lightning illuminated her pale features.
The surroundings she passed as she charged down the pathway lived sharply etched in her mind’s eye. Huge squat bodied mulvar trees with their massive arterial branches meandered into contact with other trees massive trunks. Blazing colors of orange, red and gold marked the placements of fire streamer bushes in the storm-shrouded downpour. Shimmer-flower was less obvious with its rainbow banded blues to purples that the dusky grays of the cloud bank swallowed. The rain reduced the silvery tinged green of silk stem grasses to an indistinct mass as water flattened them.
The disastrous meeting with the Rhodonin Headmaster of Lut Hall was drubbing her spirit like a flail as she raced. Running did little to relieve the anguish of her heart. Gasps from her lips, and bone jarring thunder accompanied her ascent. An old spidery branched mulvar tree marked the place to which she was racing. She gritted her teeth against the memory of earlier in the day that taunted her mercilessly into charging down the dangerous path.
“Why did this happen? All I wanted was to help.” NaJessera snapped at the rain that buffeted her. The water weighed her ornate tunic like sodden lead. Still, she continued running while her arms pumped in time with her pounding heart. The pathway twisted out of sight in the heavy gloom. Her feet drew her forward. The sharp cold of the wind was a reminder of the sharp bite of words destined to be endured soon. ‘Why was I born cursed by millenniums of blood? The diplomatic lineage of House ‘Edran is not me. I am one of its children, not the sum of centuries past.’ She felt her fury echoed by the grumbling of the sky.
Wet clay and silt covered the pathway that wound around the old stunted mulvar tree and switched back upon itself in a sharp horseshoe behind the cliff face. The mire gave no traction for her feet to take the turn she needed to make. Her lithe form flailed as her feet fought for nonexistent purchase entering the steep slope at the bend. Her feet met air as she tumbled off the trail. Her right arm burned under the strain of a sudden agonizing jerk. The world tilted at a crazy angle as she swayed in the wind, equilibrium gone. A solid impact along her spine made her wince as she fought to right herself. Her mind continued to seethe over the events that had caused her to embark upon this reckless run through the rain confusing her for a moment as she tried to recall where she was.
‘The Rhodonin Lut Hall headmaster, Gorab Lut’Kloon, stared at her with contempt in his dark stony eyes as he redressed her actions. “A hobby mechanic is very nice, but not on Hall training time. Your place is to fulfill the expectations of this Hall, not infringe upon another Hall’s duties,” his goat like bleating was dutifully translated by her communicator. The small, furry, goat being stroked his outer robe of Hall affiliation. He acted as if was trying to remove a stain with his oversized digit capped by a painted miniature hoof.
“I was only trying to help, sir. The conveyer was down and we have a shuttle newly arrived with passengers. They have to use that conveyor because they are from a gas giant.” NaJessera ‘Edran pleaded for understanding from her blotchy furred teacher.
“Irrelevant. The Mundricorus can withstand the time it takes for the Nol Hall representative to come and repair the equipment according to proper procedure.” A plump arm raised as the headmaster fiddled with the Hall affiliation colored ribbons that wrapped his horns. “We have procedures to follow for a reason. It is not for an intern to decide to intervene, causing chaos and hard feelings between the established Halls.
“Can’t you give me some kind of extra work to make up for the demerit?” NaJessera knew she was not the favorite of the headmaster. She hoped that offering to be a slave for a time would calm the little bronze furred being.
“Because you do not fulfill your duties in the correct form, I am now releasing you from Lut Hall’s training roster,” Lut’Kloon decreed. He presented a small disk with a flourish. NaJessera didn’t want to take the proffered disk. To accept it would prove that the last seven months had been a waste of effort. Tri colored green and blue ringed eyes searched the old headmaster’s elongated face trying to find anything that might help her to escape this disgrace. Seeing nothing hopeful in that stern, animalistic visage, NaJessera felt with her talent.
Her ability uncovered the stirring of a darker emotion inside the little alien. A dark feeling of glee seeped through the cracks of the little goat man’s emotional armor triggering NaJessera’s anger. The irritation of knowing beyond words that this was a form of retaliation against her first mother’s placement as the head ambassador over the Chasstran first treaty celebration exacerbated feelings of being threatened.
A strange dulling of her mind began to unfold as twisting tendrils of sensation like burning pinpricks surged along her skin. Anger spiraled in the pit of her stomach at the understanding her talent showed her. ‘Headmaster Lut’Kloon has ties to Kliigal Dhag’Kliggif. He is the Rhodonin ambassador passed over for the top honor of opening the new membership celebration. Headmaster Lut’Kloon is getting even for the slight against one of his own.’
The sensation of being pricked intensified as her anger roiled and churned, her hands shaking as the portly headmaster forced the disk into her hands and stepped back. “You are terminated from Lut Hall. Please remove your things from the communal lockers.” Gorab’s muzzle twitched into a grim parody of a smirk. Shimmering waves like a mirage swam across NaJessera’s eyes for a moment. She lost all ability to comprehend what she was looking at. A moment later her vision cleared leaving behind a haunting image of a terrified Rhodonin headmaster as she turned and left the room.
NaJessera pulled her thoughts back to where she was. She had instinctively grabbed a mulvar branch in her careening slide off the cliff face. She was dangling off the side of the cliff, because her reflexes had saved her by catching a small ropey branch. Her right hand was all that prevented her from plunging into the rocky, spire-strewn canyon. “Great! What else could possibly go wrong today?” Her bitter words drowned in the crashing of a boulder tearing free of its moorings somewhere above to tumble down the trail face, and plunge to the canyon floor below.
The young woman twisted, grabbing the slender branch in her left hand to ease the stress on her right shoulder. “Hanging heads! Nobody is going to come rescue me. Triplet’s too far down the trail hiding from the rain to hear me even if I bothered screaming.” She fought to get a better hold on the branch she was using for an impromptu lifeline, uncertain whether or not she would get out of this alive, if she even wanted to.
“I swear I do nothing to disgrace my House, except breathe,” NaJessera muttered as her fingers clawed the mulvar bark trying to find better purchase on the wet wood. The gnarled branch twisted and writhed in the heavy wind that whipped her against the muddy earth, trying to dislodge her. “Come on Jessera, you’ve got to get yourself out of this.”
Several attempts, and the wind granted her a reprieve with a lapse in its forceful howling. NaJessera jack-knifed her body to wrap her legs around the branch she gripped with determination. Hanging upside down, she pulled herself along the length of the branch sliding her back along the muddy bank. She pulled herself toward the top until she connected to the artery branch that would take her to the trunk. Twisting her upper body to get herself righted took time. Her hair snarled in another small offshoot, tearing out a few strands as she grunted with exertion. Lightning forked overhead to lighten the gloom of the seething clouds above. The flickering shadows created a surreal quality to the treacherous task she was trying to complete.
With a final heave she got a firm grip on the main trunk and shimmied down to the ground, where she collapsed in a heap against the massive old tree trunk panting. “I live for this. It’s my peace and comfort even when it almost kills me. I wish I could stay here.” NaJessera chuckled as she sat in the muck at the foot of the mulvar tree catching her breath. Her recent scrape with death cooled her fury. It also made her aware that she needed to return to her brother’s minuscule shelter to reassure him that she was still alive.
The slender young woman moved cautiously now that she was returning to her brother. She couldn’t stop mentally harassing herself at every step. Looking at the overhanging rock that marked the place where her brother had ducked out of the shower to wait for her, NaJessera brooded on his situation, ‘It should be triplet’s day to receive his honors. He has a Hall surname as of yesterday. He’s earned it.’
NaJessera Edran trudged into the shelter noticing her brother’s stunned expression. She knew she must look horrific. Rain had thoroughly drenched her. Mud splotches covered her clothes from slips in the mire that was left in the wake of the storm. She was sporting a torn legging and muddy shoes. Her hair probably looked like a pasture had infested it. She had mud in places no decent young woman would ever allow, from that slip that had sent her careening to the edge of the trail, almost plunging a few hundred feet.
“What, by the stars happened to you?” Her brother demanded with tri colored eyes searching her face.
“I slipped while I was running. I guess I should pay more attention to where the mud covers the trail next time.” NaJessera shrugged nonchalantly as she moved to sit on a rock that presented itself.
NaCalanth Loe’Edran, her triplet brother glared at the shower, but refrained from growling about the drops that hit him when she stomped into his tiny, dry patch. “I’m certain that you did more than slip if your clothes are that damaged. How many scrapes and cuts are underneath the mud, sister?”
“I have no idea, but I am sure that I’ll have at least two big bruises by morning.” She tried to inject a note of levity into the situation. “I’m now a bonafide, famous misfit. Guess you’ll get to hear all about what a loser your sister is. I’ve managed to become the only, two for two failures, in the Halls of Power archives.”
NaCalanth snorted his displeasure at her tactic. “You made that list the first time a Hall dismissed you. You know, when you beat the known record for fastest expulsion from a Hall’s training facility?” He tilted his head toward her, dark cinnamon hair with silver talent lock at his left temple ruffled by the breeze. Tri colored green and blue ringed irises with star-point pupils impaled her from his refined, yet slightly angular features, “Only you, Triplet, can manage to always say the worst possible thing, even when you are genuinely trying not to offend.” He was to her left, waiting for the end of the spring shower that had halted his progress, while she had charged forward, over the worst portion of the dangerous trail, to burn off rage.
“Oh, right. I failed at Joth in less than a month because of my stupid toe tromping tongue syndrome!” NaJessera rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to think about how the Halls of Power would probably keep trying to force her to use her unique abilities, to their benefit, by making her train in another people oriented field. She fought down a shudder of distaste.
NaCalanth furrowed his brows considering what he wanted to say with great deliberation it seemed. That look always meant a lecture. “You’re much too blunt, sister. That’s why mediation isn’t your strength. Even if your ability to understand the gist of any species’ mind set comes in handy, you still get into trouble. You say your honest appraisal of things too often. It’s weird. Most people with your talent know what not to say. You know?” NaCalanth pinched the bridge of his chiseled nose as he reflected on the situation.
“I can’t help the fact that I hate feeling what goes on in other beings’ heads.” She gestured in frustrated jerky motions trying to make him understand her hatred for her ability. “I feel like I’m an invader, or thief or something, and don’t want to know what’s on someone else’s mind. I don’t have right. They probably don’t want me in their heads anyway.” NaJessera huffed, staring at the floor, tapping her foot to raise tiny clouds of powdered dust.
NaCalanth shook his head after considering her words. His brow smoothed as he turned to look over the countryside. “I guess I would probably feel that way too if I had your talent. I’m glad I don’t. I prefer being a touch reader. It’s a whole lot safer than being bombarded all the time.”
“Every sentient being has a secret. This stupid talent makes me aware of all the things that exist for me to dislike about everyone. I hate sensing so many dark things that sentient beings feel.” She turned away from her brother’s radiating pity, with a surge of renewed anger.
‘He doesn’t mean to insult me,’ she thought savagely. ‘It isn’t fair! I tried so hard to succeed with this new Hall’s training and fought to keep my temper with everything I have. I even did ok in keeping my mouth shut. NaCalanth just received his permanent hall-affiliated surname of Loe, while I continue to be unworthy of any Hall’s affiliation.’
She inhaled the scents of rain mixed with shimmer flowers, and the crisp bite of the fire streamer bushes underscoring the fresh wind. ‘Too bad the wind can’t blow this disaster from my mind’ she thought with a trace of bitterness. The pungent aroma of wet fire streamer bushes caused her throat to constrict mildly, or maybe it was this newest catastrophe. The brilliant colors of spring growth held a promise of future events, for most of the planet’s denizens. She felt personally mocked by the beautiful tones for not being a typical inhabitant.
NaCalanth was still chewing on the day’s events as she had explained in short form before charging out to run off her anxiety and frustration. “I think this is the stupidest dismissal of which I’ve ever heard. I don’t understand the mentality of Hall trainers or Headmasters. Why dismiss a fifteen-year-old for being helpful? Couldn’t they have said don’t do it again, or something?” He looked over at her, serious troubled eyes filled with unspoken questions. She knew that look all too well. He was a quiet person unless he felt provoked into a conversation. Knowing that NaCalanth was trying to put things into words, meant he was very uncomfortable.
“Yeah, I got kicked out of Lut for fixing busted equipment, of all things. I thought they would be happy to get back to work before things backed up.” She shrugged helplessly.
“So, why expel you for doing something that needed doing in the first place? Stupid Hall rules make everything so complicated.” NaCalanth shook his head over her dilemma.
She mimicked the nasal, bleated twang of the portly Rhodonin Headmaster, “A hobby mechanic is all right, but not on Hall training time.’ That’s what the instructor informed me, as he handed me the termination disk. What a joke!” NaJessera dropped her chin into her palm sighing, feeling the water drain out of her hair. Trails of the liquid slid down her forehead to gather on the tip of her chiseled nose. From there the water plopped onto the dust at her feet.
“Do you want to talk about it, sister? I am listening, if you want to get it out of your head.” NaCalanth knew she was still angry or he wouldn’t be prodding her to attempt to explain her annoyance.
“Lut Hall was a complete waste of time. I completed seven months of training for what? Nothing! Trying to do tons of formulas gave me migraines! I hate math.” She shifted, waving a hand vaguely, as she went through the list of things she’d learned. A few water drops splattered her brother with the force of her gestures. “Keeping records of imports, exports, and bartered values based on trade agreement listings, along with the rest of the major traffic through the space port made me insane.” Na Calanth nodded understanding as she continued to vent her frustration.
She could feel her nose wrinkling as she continued, “The culture section, and requirements for different species were interesting.”
“Until you had to talk to countless species, who are demanding their missing luggage, necessary life support items, and so forth.” NaCalanth smirked at her. He knew how much she hated dealing with any kind of sentient being.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m out. I have no idea what they will do to me now. Those who fail the first Hall assignment do fine in their second placement.” She tried to blow her drenched bangs out of her eyes while considering her options for this evening’s unpleasant show down.
NaCalanth scratched his chin thoughtfully. He twisted to look up at the slowly clearing sky with a hopeful gleam in his eyes. “Looks like the storm’s clearing. We should get back by dark, if we leave now. You think you’ve worked off enough of your anger to survive tonight?” NaCalanth’s boyish face was all but pleading for a positive answer.
“Who knows? I’m sure I’ll get handed my head by all of our parents, with all the family watching. Need to fill that bottomless vortex you call a stomach again?” She stood reluctantly. She knew how often her brother had to eat just to maintain his current weight.
“Unfortunately, yes. We can stay if you’re not sure. I don’t want to push you into a corner, even if I am really hungry.” Her brother looked more like a lost pet, as his stomach rumbled, than a compassionate older sibling. She waved him toward the trail shaking her head. She watched in genuine affection as her lanky, taller brother bolted from the confines of the overhang, intent on getting something to eat. She trudged after him wishing that she could remain in the wilderness forever.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked the adding of the proverb. The opening paragraph is very powerful. It really draws the reader in.
I think the chapter does have focus and drive. It flows well too with the exception of a few awkward sentences. I suggest reading your work out loud. That is the easiest way to spot those types of sentences and to figure out how to improve them. The descriptions are good but at times over done. It’s almost like you do a great job describing something and then have to add a few more words. The grammar overall is good. This chapter gives an inkling of what the society is about. You second chapter does a better job of this. You give us a pretty good understanding of what NaJessara is like.
Below are some examples of things I’ve mentioned that worked and didn’t work for me.
“pathway lived sharply etched” I am not sure what you mean by this.
“She knew every huge squat bodied trees” should be tree “with massive branches meandered into contact with other trees’ bulky trunks.” Awkward, consider rewording.
You use a lot of good descriptive details but some of them tend to go overboard. Sometimes a little less can be more powerful. For example: “The disastrous meeting with the Rodonin Headmaster of Lut Hall drubbed her spirit like a flail as she raced.”
“Drubbed her spirt as she raced” is descriptive and we know exactly how she feels. “Like a flail” seems like overkill.
“The water weighed her ornate tunic like sodden lead.” Her tunic felt like lead. We already know it sodden. She’s running in a rain storm.
“The sharp cold of the wind was a reminder of the sharp bite of words destined to be endured.” This works really well.
We need some sort of transition here to indicate that his is a flashback. Otherwise it’s just confusing.
“Come on Jessera, you’ve got to get yourself out of this.” Is actually talking out loud? Or is she thinking this? Thoughts don’t belong in quotes.
“The flickering shadows created a surreal quality to the treacherous task she was trying to complete.” I don’t think you need this sentence. You have already done a great job describing the action. We get a vivid picture. We all know how dangerous the task.
“Her hair probably looked like a pasture had infested it.” I don’t get a clear picture from this.
“shrugged nonchalantly” Shrugging is a nonchalant action, nonchalantly is uncessary. Never use an adverb unless you can’t convey the meaning any other way. Most of the time a strong verb will do the job and be more powerful.
“NaCalanth shook his head in exasperation at her habits.” “NaCalanth shook his head.” Is all you need to say here.
Before she talked to her brother NaJessera was very upset about be expelled from the school. When she talks to her brother it sound like it’s not a big deal. From reading the second chapter I know what a big deal it is. I realize she is trying to make light of the situation, but put in some clues about how worried she is. You could do it through her thoughts or her body language.
I liked the ending. It worked well.
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Jubilations reviewed Version 2 -
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Super good story!! I was a little confused at first on where they were and the setting, time, place, etc. But after a while, it became a bit clearer. I enjoy NaJessera’s character and I felt that your details did exactly what they were supposed to. The story had good flow and only a few things wrong: (you spelled ‘grammar’ wrong in your note ;D)
““What, by the stars happened to you?”” I’m pretty sure I’d put a comma after stars. Otherwise, take out the first one.
”...They would make her train in another people oriented field she was certain.” I would change this to ”...She was certain they woud make her train in another people oriented field…” It sounds a bit better to me. If you realy want to leave it like it is, put a comma before “she was certain”
”...someone else’s mind. I don’t have right. They probably don’t want…’ I think it would read better if it said “I don’t have the/that right.”
”...NaJessera huffed, staring at the floor, tapping her foot to raise tiny clouds of powder…” I love this image, this is probably my favorite line in the story.
If you’re planning on writing more, I can’t wait to read it! Keep up the good work!!
chelly reviewed Version 2 -
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I don’t think I had the opportunity to read your previous version of this, but, I have to tell you that I think you did a good job with this. The description of Najassera helped me gain a clear image of her. It is a good story line and I hope you continue with this, adding more chapters to your story. You tell it well.
HawkeyeMike reviewed Version 2 -
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‘The ,-
This is wrong i’m afraid, unless someone is speaking there shouldn’t be a ’ there at all. Just watch out for little details like that in future because some people will be annoying and so your whole story sucks just because of that little mistake. Also, editors will not like it, so be careful if you ever plan to get this published because that >> ‘The
Will definately put an editor off of reading your book. it’s lame yes, but it’s the truth =[
“Hanging upside down, she pulled herself along the length of the branch sliding her back along the muddy bank. She pulled herself toward …”
You need to change this so it doesn’t sound repetitive. editors will pick up on this and this will also make them reluctant to continue reading.
But overall it’s good. The Plot bounds along at a steady pace, which obviously will pick up when the action happens!
Elf reviewed Version 2 -
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“She knew every huge squat bodied trees”
Second paragraph
should be tree, not trees.
In the same sentence, you should try to find a different word to replace the second use of ‘trees’. It will run smoothly if you can utilize as many words as possible when it comes to situations like this.
example:
She knew ever huge, squat bodied tree, “and how its” massive branches meandered into contact with its’ “companions” bulky trunks.
“I don’t have right. They probably don’t want me in their heads anyway.”
right after her fall…
At first it really jarred the rhythm when I read the first sentence without the “the” in it. But then it almost sounded like it fit in with her mood at the moment. The second sentence, It seams like quite a childish thing to say. You have portrayed her as a woman, and not someone with a week mind or intellect. Is it a culture where people are clothes mouth about there hate for the practices of…what ever she is in? I mean…usually it would be well known that people don’t like people sifting threw there personal feelings.
I think you have done a pretty good job. I can feel Najessara anger, and understand her feelings. I know why she has them, and how she hates her gift. The culture is still a little veg, but that is something that needs to be explained and developed as your story goes on.
The last think i would suggest is not stating NaCalanth is her brother again in the last paragraph. You have stated it several times already. I would use this chance to describe how she really feels about her brother, tell us a little more about who he is. Its a good chance for character building.
ckbailey reviewed Version 2 -
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on pag. I: “She knew every huge squat bodied trees with massive branches…” looks like part of this sentence got lost, or perhaps it’s just that “trees” should have been singular. same deal with sentence beginning with “Shimmer-flower…”; it’s quite poetic but makes no sense. & i believe sentencs that follows it should end with “it” rather than “them”.
pg. 2” “Sodden lead”? how can a solid metal be sodden? “nonexistant purchase”;
you could lose the “nonexistent”.
it seems like the moment when she’s just slid off a cliff is proabably not the best time to insert the expository flashback. it halts the momentum of this so-far dynamic opening action. it might work if you insert it bit earlier, while she’s just running; but i would save it til after the crisis on the cliff is resolved, perhaps at the end of the first paragraph on pg. 6.)
the dialogue seems stilted and unrealistic to me; there is far too much expository information contained in these sentences. i understand you’re trying to explain to the reader what’s going on by having the characters voice it, but people who are intamately familiar with each others lives & activities(as brothers & sisters would be) just wouldn’t talk that way. it would be better to spread the details out over a series of conversations; it’s okay to not tell the reader everything that’s going on, and why, right away.
overall i liked the main character and was interested in what would happen next. i think you mainly need to hone the sentences down(not just the dialogue), instead of loading every one with as much information as possible. let the story evolve.
00_Curious reviewed Version 2 -
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Possibly contrary to the advice received before (if your opening comments mean what I think), I believe the sentence structure is far too short. Everything seems very broken up. Take the first paragraph for one, every sentence is short and just describes one facet of her running. It seems very stilted and is hard to read or get into a narrative flow with everything being so clipped.
I think the sentence, “She knew every huge squat bodied trees with massive branches meandered into contact with other trees’ bulky trunks,” has something missing from it. ‘Every’ implies the knowledge of each singular tree, so using the plural of trees doesn’t fit, and it needs more description, like adding that she knew the way they meandered into contact. I understand what you mean in the sentence, but it’s not expressed as well as it perhaps could be.
Language use aside, as you move through you get the sense of urgency and of NaJessera’s fury, which is good. I like how we’re drawn in to the Halls without it needing to be spelled out immediately. That shows trust in the reader, and I like to have questions that can then be answered as I read more. The scene with the Headmaster plays out quite well.
Upon returning to the present, the fall down the side of the cliff seems a little forced, as does the ‘speaking to yourself’ thing. It is okay to describe the characters thoughts, as having her speak out loud in such situations at such length just seems very strange indeed. It happens again with the conversation with her Triplet brother. They both say things that they probably wouldn’t say to each other if this were real. I understand you’re using their conversation to educate the reader, but it can be done with narration just as well as dialogue.
Overall, I think you’ve got some good ideas and definitely some invention, but you need to work on more realistic dialogue perhaps. Additionally, further indications of what the rest of the story might be about wouldn’t go amiss. It seems almost too self-contained, and a little more background on what some of the themes of the book/story would be helpful. I’m not sure whether or not I’d read on to chapter two, but there are things you can certainly work on to make people do just that.
wise2owls reviewed Version 2 -
Read 8% of the Item
This chapter kept me wanting to see what other mischief she would unadvertantly get into… The many nuances of the downpour and the misstep of the young lady are moving… I enjoy reading about them and can`t wait to read more.
ReMote998 reviewed Version 2 -
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There was placement, I could sense where I was in the story (Not myself personally, but where everything was happening), but when the anthro goat appeared, I sort of lost track. Might have just been myself, but otherwise, it was well laid out. Just placement and movement could be tweaked.
-Jake
Harold_P reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked the image of someone being chased by their echoes… it created a very spooky set-up for the beginning of the story and also managed to create a certain amount of tension I found worked well for the piece. I think moving into the second page we are a little bombarded with description, however, the description is very strong so this I don’t see as too much of a problem.
A few phrases stood out as being a little strange upon second glance such as “sodden lead” which although gives a nice image will probably be a little too bizarre to merit inclusion in the story. Also a phrase such as “her feet met air” sounds a little off on the whole, as this implies an actual physical meeting!
These little niggles were the only complaint I had about the story. Asides from these faults in the prose you’ve got a strong set and characters, a strong foreshadowing of events for later, and most importantly, a strong story!
Harold_P
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