Thank you for the review and good eye on the spelling error.
Poetry / A Valentine Poem
To write a Valentine poem
without being cliché or trite
Seems beyond my talents known
as rhymes twist out – contrived.
To express the message you need to hear
within a few terse lines of verse
On this day you hold very dear
becomes a bane… a curse.
Burying meaning in chocolate graves
sugar dust to sugar dust powder ash to powder ash
Baptizing your heart within sweat waves
of passion followed by a wrenching crash.
So honesty has to be the way
the words contained here tell you this
The truth as I write will convey
that you’ll feel my love with my kiss.
For words flounder, flail, fail to state
the essence of how we need and love
So with a kiss and a vow we seal our fate
intertwining our destinies from above.
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TerJa reviewed Version 3 -
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Cut me a break on the ratings. I am new to this site and don’t have the parameters down yet. I am however an experienced reviewer.
All your rhymes are solid except the slant rhyme you use in verse one. Changing the last line to “As rhymes drift out of sight.” would fix it. Of course there are many other ways too.
For the sake of the rhythm I’d add a word to the last line of verse two. ”—-a bane OR a curse.”
I love the second line of the third verse. It is worth the price of admission all by itself. (Maybe “with sweaty” instead of “within sweat?”
The fourth verse is the weakest one in the poem. The problem is the meter. I reads awkwardly. Try it aloud and you can hear the unevenness.
In the last verse I wonder if a different word than “condemning” might be advisable. The connotations of condemn are rather bleak. (maybe Joining?)
Keep writing
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Gazala reviewed Version 3 -
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haha not quite what i expected! i was almost expecting one of those cheesy rhymes and you know the likes…:P
this poem…is powerful. i like it in fact!
“So a kiss and a vow seals our fate
condeming us to surpass the divine.” alright!! this is what im talking about, tho youve spelt condemn wrong, this is love matey. powerful and as you said surpassing the divine. =)
of criticism id say that at times its hard to get what your saying unless you read it again and thats all i can come up with but overall it flows well…cheers!
plummouthsong reviewed Version 3 -
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The poem as a whole has lovely sentiment, but its the first 2 stanzas that weaken it. Don’t call attention to the fact that it’s hard to write without using cliches, that itself feels trite. I think if it is someting you still want to express that there are better, maybe shorter ans sweeter ways to say it. The rest though it maybe simple and have been said before more or less, feels heartfelt and is easy to identify with
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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I don’t know J., “trite and contrived” don’t work. I know how particular you are about form. You might look at this and find a substitute word.
‘sugar dust to dust, powder sugar to ash.” Two images of sugar seems to ruin the nice flow. How about granuals to dust or sprinkles…then add the powder sugar image.
“sweat waves..’ Do you mean sweet?
So a kiss and a vow seals our fate
condeming us to surpass the divine.
I know what you are trying to say. Words are not made to express a certian feeling. But the word “condemning” and “fate” bothers me because you use words of sweetness like divine, and somehow the word condemning and fate makes it sound like this love is doomed because the right words cannot be found.
A kiss would seal our vows, promise, love, passion, etc. A simple kiss is sometimes all a woman wants. A kiss alone is a language that tpeaks louder than any words. You are the consumate professional in your craft, so i wanted to bring these things to your attention. I love the poem as i love all your works. Sandi
Montresor reviewed Version 3 -
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You mention cliche but are not cliche up until the third stanza where sugary images drown out an otherwise intensive and comprehensive view of what love is and appears to be. Third stanza is the weakest so I would consider revising. You tie up the poem nicely in the last two stanzas but the alliteration throws the line balance off heavily. I’m not saying, “to hell with alliteration!” but I’m saying that as a poet you have a responsibility to never own words. Sacrifice for content is what makes a poem durable end endurable. You have excellent word control when referring to your rhyme scheme as well.
Hope this helped.
netterlynn reviewed Version 3 -
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I like this. A nice twist on a Valentine’s poem – first an acknowledgment of the triteness of the subject, then a strong ending, all in meter and rhyme. The last nile is perfect – “condemning us to surpass the divine” – beautiful.
WhiteAngel reviewed Version 3 -
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sugar dust to dust, – the first dust i think could be removed.
The poem is very true, and i enjoyed it very much. And only wish i could help more.
Passionate_Art_Goddess reviewed Version 3 -
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Very nice job, it shows that love is hard to express in words. A sugesstion:
Instead of , flail, -I would’ve put For words flounder, failing to state- but that’s ok if u dnt want to. Overall this rocks.
AdmiralPar reviewed Version 1 -
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It has a cliche start (by observing cliches) but then begins to really pick up with the imagery. I think the line “Burying meaning in chocolate graves/sugar dust to sugar dust powder ash to powder ash” is one of your best because it does show that this isn’t the most original subject but does it in an interesting way. It’s a tough subject to tackle, especially when you start off by acknowledging that it is, but I think you’ve created a very suitable Valentine’s Day poem.
shamanfox reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice start, I got a little lost in the powder ash to powder ash. I need to think about that one and try to figure out what that means. I’m guessing its the graves in chocolate instead of ashes to ashes? Unique comparison, cynical.
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