It actually works quite well because Jalen is narrating consistantly, and so he often explains himself because he has to think it through in his own language. Not to mention his disregard for authority and sense of humor which makes everything better. Please feel free to read more of my works.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Flag of bones, prologue
Flag Of bones
The journey of the Dragon Wynd
Chapter 1
Devil’s Cove
I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships, each scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her. I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered.
The seas here were not the bright blue I knew from the Deeps, but rather, dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas. The waters of the cove, and the shallows that surrounded it, were tainted by too many good men brought unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose was beginning to chafe a new spot on my neck and so I shifted my weight. I instantly regretted the movement because it broke open some of the blisters caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope. Heavy black chains jangled with every movement I made, and a young boy stood in front of me, hand to the hilt of his sword ready to lay me low if I should resist too much.
One of the men behind me wore a whip curled around his shoulder, ready for use if I should become too cheeky in my reply. And it was that knowledge alone that kept me civil. In my Two hundred thirty-odd talon asea I had had more of the lash that I appreciated, I wasn’t about to add more indignity to my lot.
“Jalen Delphe Shenn,” The hangman stripped me of my title that quickly. He spoke the clipped, and precise dialect of Thalgiri that was found in all the legal documents.
“Aye.” I spoke only so that he knew I heard him. But I chattered at one of my guards in the musical island language of my birth, and demanded my translator. I didn’t really need one, but it looked a little more regal, and I loved to hear how they phrased these sticky situations in my native tongue. And it helped illustrate the point that I was not Empire.
The Hangman was forced to stop until my translator stepped forward, introduced himself, and caught me up on what had been said. I rolled my eyes and told him that the Hangman could continue.
The only thing that brought the battle-weary ghost of a smile to my lips was hearing the echo over the seas of my Pirate kin singing, “hoist the Colors’ from their ships at anchor around the cove. They dared to sing our anthem to send me off because they had come under the blue Freehold banner. Not a single crossed-bones was seen, and they knew that meant the Empire had no power to arrest them.
The hangman tried to ignore the defiance. “You are this day accused, and stand convicted of Treasons against the Empire and Malecrete the Just.” He paused uncomfortably waiting for my translator to finish.
I tried not to snicker, because in Illis, the name of the Emperor was ‘bad wind’ And I wondered for a moment if the Emperor knew what we said about him behind his back.
“It is, therefore the judgment of Emperor Malecrete that you, your crew, your kin and your protectors be brought forward for execution. In accordance with this law, You and your crew are brought here to Pirates cove to be hung by the neck until dead.”
My translator paused, unsure of how to say what he was sworn to say. I could see that he was a child of the seas, so to tell the most feared Pirate that he and his crew were damned to shallows was some feat.
He stammered a moment before I responded to the Hangman.
“Where is my trial?” I ignored my translator and his attempts to keep up with the conversation. “Am I not, as a citizen of the Isles, entitled to at least a court of boards?”
“Right of trial has been suspended during the war.”
I understood without translation what they would not say. This was another attempt to deny me a resting place with the honored dead. They had calculated well, how many of my crew would follow me knowing they would be given to the shallows without braid, and with these debts still held against their blood? Without trial there was no absolution for any crimes done under the banner. It was still against my blood, and therefore against the blood of every crewman aboard the Wynd. We were all damned.
“Silvermane you lied!” Now I addressed the captain who had brought me here. The one who would get the bounty against me.
“Your pardon?” Like most Empire captains, he spoke Thalgiri, the trade language of the day. I could see that he was uncomfortable being here himself, his ship was anchored some ways away but as the man responsible for my capture he got the dubious honor of watching from the platform.
“Not from me.” I responded in Illis, and I could see by the captain’s face that he didn’t understand my response. A moment later it dawned on him that the Thalgiri word for ‘beg pardon’ was very close to the Illis word for quarter. My reply then was ‘no quarter.’ I knew he wanted more information, but he knew well what crime I was accusing him of and so I let him stew a moment.
“You lied to me, you swore that my family was not sought. You swore by the blood that buys your boards that it was only myself, and my crew that stood to hang. I held you to it as a man of Deep Water and of Boards, and you made me a liar to my men.”
“I didn’t know.”
“The edict was written when you swore against. You know this.” I spit at his feet. “There is no honor between your blood and mine.”
“You cannot think to pay me out, you and all your crew and kin are to be brought low.” I could almost hear a laugh in his voice.
“The banner remembers Captain.” I smiled. Once again it was that battle-weary smile of someone not so easily taken. “They will pay out.”
“Then so be it.”
I wondered for a moment why the captain had not protested more, it was almost as if he wanted to cross blades with me. That was about the time the thought hit me. He did want to fight me. He prayed that I, or my men, would strike him down so that he would not have to be empire any longer.
If an Empire captain sought to make his own end, there must be some heavy magika against him, and against them all. Maybe he could feel what we could feel there was a war brewing, the air was thick with it. And maybe this time we would wipe the Empire out forever.
“Even now, we will grant pardon if you will speak Aye, strike the bones from your vessel and swear yourselves to Empire.” The hangman reminded us all of the choice we had, turn or hang.
“Hangman, Grant that I may speak to my crew.”
“Speak then, and tell them to save their souls.”
I switched to Draconis, the Dragon tongue, also called the Forbidden Language, and the fact that I dared speak it so deep in Empire waters was a sore point for many. “I never thought that I would say this,” I paused. “I would not hold it against your blood if you should lose faith and speak aye.”
“Captain,” Coram, my first mate, and the only unblooded member of my motley crew spoke up. “You are my captain, though I am not bound to the boards, my honor and my life are my own, and they say, I stay.”
“Coram, you of all should speak aye, you are not blooded. You owe me neither blood nor honor, don’t throw them both away on the likes of me.”
“What would a pirate, marked with forbidden ink, and twice-brought to hang at Devil’s cove know of honor?” He smiled, and his tone was light, proof that this was just a gentle barb. “I will not betray you as my brother has.”
“This is not your noose Coram, you know that place was meant for your brother.”
“Aye, captain, And I will stand in it. I’ve fought beside you over a hundred talon-count, I will not leave you now.”
“We stay.” Jemek replied from my other side. “Coram is right. This is our place, beside our captain.”
I shrugged. “Then we stand.”
I couldn’t force my men to lay their word aside, even for me. An oath made under duress had no force. This everyone knew. “We will stand Hangman.”
The Empire Hangman was in the middle of his ‘brigands of the Sea’ speech, which I had heard more than once before when he was drawn up short by a cry.
“Belay!” That one word was spoken with the force of command. The very air seemed to ripple with the power of that shout. Few people had enough magika that the very words they spoke could color the air with the force of oath.
“Hold ropes and weapons and Stand.” I couldn’t see the boat but it had to be someone of import else they would have asked ‘aboard’ as the rest of us did. Not to mention the fact that they commanded the Empire Hangman himself to Belay. My heart beat faster. There were few left anywhere who could wield that sort of power.
The deck under my feet shuddered as a small rowboat bumped against it. I heard light footsteps vault onto the small platform on which we stood, and knew he was pulling the boat closer. “Belay the ropes and weapons.” He repeated. I heard movement, and then heavy, dull footsteps.
“Is this the Captain Jalen Shenn?” The commoner’s voice was soft, and he was educated, but he spoke like a house-boy, a hired or indentured servant no doubt. But to whom was he bound? Who had the power to belay the hangman?
“This is Jalen Shenn, and he stands to hang.” The phrase he used allowed for no reprieve.
“Then he is to be set free.” The voice seemed to ignore the last half of what the hangman said. Instead the voice continued in the same soft, even tone. “I bear a writ, signed and dated from the Governor of Illis, it reads; “To the Captain known As Jalen Shenn, and the crew of The Dragon Wynd, members of the Illis Naval fleet, and citizens of the Island nations, I hereby grant full Pardon.”
“He stands to hang.” The hangman repeated. Again the word he used allowed no quarter. I was as good as dead.
“Then so do you.” The new voice was deeper than the one that had been speaking. This one spoke the more precise form of Thalgiri, though he had an island accent. “Captain Shenn goes free or those who took his life pay with blood.”
“The Emperor will hear no pardon for the King of Pirates.”
Once again they used the title they had called my Grandfather. A man for whom I was often mistaken, and whose very name I shared, causing more than a few to greet me with the sign to ward off the spirits of those left unremembered.
I didn’t hear the command, but I did hear the rasp of steel. The young guard standing in front of me had drawn his blade and now presented it, tip just under my chin. My hands tightened in reflex as I reached for the blade I no longer carried.
The boy was silent for a moment, and then I heard him whisper, “Hold not against my blood Captain.”
I couldn’t do it. I could not damn him like that, making him responsible for my blood, sending the entire fleet of Pirates against one young boy. “The debt remains with me.” I kept my voice soft. At lest this would save me the indignity of the noose.
His jaw clenched and unclenched as his sword hand wavered. I heard another, more musical note as the newcomer drew his own blade. By the single note I was sure it was Dragon forged steel.
“Kill him.” The hangman squawked in his broken voice.
The boy brought the sword back to make the stroke and I closed my eyes. All I could do was pray that he was well enough trained to make it clean, even with his obvious youth. “Kill him.” The hangman was still squawking at him.
“Strike true child.” I couldn’t damn him for following orders. Not at his age. And certainly not over a man like me.
“Parley.” The deep voice of the newcomer spoke again. “I claim parley on the Captain’s behalf.”
My eyes snapped open. That was as good as a reprieve. And the only winning gambit in this deadly game. No Captain can be struck under parley, no matter the crime. Not until terms are reached and all parties return to their own sworn boards, or the breaker of Parley his held to account for the entire crew.
“Kill him.” The hangman’s one tune was getting on my nerves. If the boy laid me low, he would die soon after. I watched as the child’s hands shook. He closed his eyes, grit his teeth, and the blade moved an inch or two closer to my neck. A second later it moved back.
By now the boy was as white as new sail. And I understood that he was fighting whatever magika had been leveled against him. Finally with a cry he dropped the blade and slid to his knees, sword hand clutched to his chest.
“Good choice.” My benefactor turned back to the Hangman. “Jalen Shenn will leave these boards alive or you will follow him.”
“You would dare defy the Emperor?”
“Do you see this blade Hangman?” The voice had some annoyance, but mostly curiosity.
“Aye.” His tone of voice told me that he probably had a better view of the blade than he really wanted. I could only hope it was pointed at his pointy chin.
“Do you know it?”
“N-no.” The hitch in his voice told me it was a lie. And, that my dream of him bringing low the Hangman might be closer than I knew.
“You are sworn Dragon an ye not know this blade?” I heard my benefactor chuckle. “Call it out so that my kin in the noose can hear it, I would wager that at least one of them will know it.”
“It bears a black Phaeon, on a gray field.”
It bore the black Phaeon in flight, like the one across my back. In fact, I had held that blade once. Hergir had handed it to me to keep while he went to speak at a place that allowed no weapons of war.
“What is more,” I heard my benefactor’s voice cut in. “It bears dragon script down the length of the blade.”
There were very few blades that still bore dragon script, no new ones had been made since the forge was annexed a few hundred talon agone. And so it was, this sword had to be older than me, and by a good margin.
“This crest, the Black Phaeon, and this sword, called Cruce, give me the right to defy even Malecrete himself whom I will not deign to call Emperor. If any man would argue that right with me, then let him step forward and I will prove, on his body, this is a dragon blade, and these words do not come falsely spoken.”
The musical tone in his voice turned to a taunt. I could hear it when I couldn’t even see his face, he was almost hoping that the Empire Hangman would defy him. There was silence for a space of moments as everyone thought about what had been said.
If the sword was indeed Cruce, then this man had just claimed to be the Steward of Dragons. That would make him the only person in this world who might be able to prove that Malecrete was not supposed to rule. No wonder he wouldn’t hail Malecrete as Emperor.
“I don’t care what blade that is, or what letters you carry, my orders are clear, Jalen dies today.” The hangman replied at last. “Those are the orders of Malecrete.”
“Grant that I may speak.”
When there was no response I spoke unbidden. “If Jalen must die, then he will, for I offer this compromise. Let me away with my benefactor who charges against your very blood and oath for my life, I in turn, will give up the name of Shenn, and swear my self to the service of my benefactor under a new name. For you know none but Silvermane, you, and I have any knowledge of what happened upon these boards.”
The Hangman seemed to think about that for a moment. “You would swear yourself to shallows Jalen?” He asked me.
“I would swear myself to whatever my Benefactor demanded as payment for my life which he now, twice, has saved.”
“And you will take the word of a man-of-bones, twice condemned? There is no third surety from the noose, not even the Old Ones themselves could stop it then.”
“Aye, I will take his word, and stand as oath holder to a man of bones so long as he runs by deep laws and Codes.”
“What name shall you call yourself?”
“I shall become Leshawn.”
My crew laughed having a good grasp of the outwater languages, they knew the various meanings of the name, “living dead’ was the most common translation, “Living shade,” could also be taken, but I also knew that in the Forbidden Tongue, it meant “Last Shenn.”
“Very well, the book shall be amended, Jalen Shenn dies today, or when he lives, he and his kin are to be brought, a third time to hang.”
The hangman’s servants unshackled me, and none to gently. I pulled the noose from around my neck, retrieved my sword, and was about to leave when I felt a tug on my sash. It was the boy, still on the deck where he had fallen. He neither rose nor looked up at me, but face to the boards he spoke, a sign of utter submission. It told me his life was in my hand. Literally. I could strike him dead from that position and he would never see the blow that felled him. “Lord Captain, grant that I might speak.”
“Speak, I listen.”
“Lord Captain, I know that I am but an Empire boy, unsworn, unblooded, unworthy of any consideration, and yet I ask that you allow me a berth.”
“Go home.” The fact that he called me ‘Lord Captain’ told me of his status, he was beseeching me as one would a king, for I held the only sort of freedom offered to those press-ganged into service and held there with magika so evil none but the Empire would tempt it. And to know this boy had fought that Magika, and won, told me something of his mettle. So I tested him to hear his story.
“Lord Captain, I cannot, for when my father hears the tale of how I disobeyed the hangman, even if he hears of the call for Parley, he will surely turn me over to the Captain of The Guard, and the banner would be advanced against me.”
His family then was Empire blood and born. That meant that even being on my crew could earn him a Pirate’s name and a Pirate’s pay. “You realize that what you ask makes you then Twice-traitor?”
“What choice have I?” He looked up at me. “Can they bring a man low twice? I stand already condemned because I would not strike you.”
The boy did have a point. “What do you ask of me?”
“Even if it be only as a cabin boy, grant that I may leave these boards with your crew. Grant that I may at least claim the protection of waves and wood, and failing that, bring me to deep waters and there lay me low that the Empire not find way to make sport of my end.”
The boy wasn’t asking really for any consideration, passage to free waters only. If I got him there and then decided it wasn’t worth it, I could always bring him low and give him to the deeps, and I would still be within his charge, as long as he took no more debts.
“Hangman?”
“Yes Captain?”
“The boy you deem as traitor?” It was both to call the boy to his attention and to confirm that the boy’s estimation was correct. The answer proved him right.
“Aye.”
“He is no worry. Let his dishonor pass to my crew. We grant him safe passage to deep water.”
“I do not know him, nor do I remember his crimes.”
With that reply I turned to regain my ship, only to be stopped by Hergir. He stepped in front of me, hand to the dragon blade at his hip. “I must have your word Jalen.”
“You have it.” I tossed it away as if I meant it, but I had no intention of giving my word if I did not have to.
“A pirates word at the gallows is oft forgotten in the deeps. I require more.”
He knew me. I sighed. “By what word shall I bind myself? Code? Boards?”
“Even more.”
“There is aught else…save the unbreakable.” My voice dropped away. There were few who would ask such an oath from a pirate, but it was truly the only oath a pirate could never break. It pledged everything.
“Aye, and this is my payment.”
The Unbreakable oath, blood surety. How could he ask me to place my life, and my crew in his hands? But then, what choice did I have?
“What exactly must I give surety to?”
His voice dropped to an almost conspiratorial tone. “There is a place, beyond the edge of the map where all men fear to tread and even those who fly bones will not go.”
“Aye, the old lands.”
“This is so, and this is my payment. That you and the Wynd take me and my men, or those I send in my place bearing this marker,” He held up the black scarab. “And you bear them, or me beyond the end of the map and to that very land, or as close as may be achieved by honest men of fortune. And failing this forfeit your blood, your boards, your crew and your name.”
He wanted passage beyond the end of the map. The place where even we pirates didn’t go. It was said that long ago we lived there, but we had known nothing but waves and wood since the Empire came. And he asked me to pledge everything to go to the forbidden land. I had to smile at the irony. To enter that place was death.
He must have known what I was thinking because he spoke again. “It may be Lord Captain, that you and I are both brought low and remembered without this surety, and I hope that is how it will be, but I will risk my own life and livelihood on your word or bring you low where you stand in payment for this debt.’ I knew that tone of voice. He would do it no matter the cost.
His voice grew softer as he leaned closer and spoke again. “But I will grant you this Jalen, either way you leave these boards.” His hand slid to the long black dagger. I nodded that I understood. He was, at least granting me deep water burial, but even then, with all this held against my blood, and my crew, could I dare defy him?
“Grant I may speak with my crew?”
“Speak then, for I would not ask them to lay their word down under force.”
The ranking crew members looked at me, that old pirate fire still in their eyes, and one by one, without my asking each of them answered ‘aye’ they would back me. That was an important thing to know since if I backed out they would be serving him. He could literally take command of my ship, and they would have no recourse but to kill him, if they could.
“I will so swear.”
Hergir nodded. “Then you will bind yourself by the blood that buys your boards?” It surprised me that he spoke Illis, and he spoke it like an island brat. His tone and timbre told me he was island-born, as did his lilt.
“Aye, by blood.” I responded in the same.
“And by the Deep Laws, and the Code?”
“Aye, by Law and Code.” I didn’t stop to think that he would bind me by Code, which was Pirate Law. But rather, answered as honestly as I could.
“By the boards?”
“Aye by boards and the crew that mans them.”
“Then make your word Jalen Shenn, son of Rai.” Few people called me that, but he seemed to hold it out in front of me like a talisman.
“I captain Shenn, and thenceforth Captain Leshawn, bind myself by boards, and blood and law and code to take you to the place you demand, though it remains unspoken, and to make as true an attempt as may be made by men of honor to make landfall at that place.” I swore myself under both names so that I could not later claim that I was Leshawn and not Shenn, and thereby nullify the oath.
Hergir nodded, he understood a sea captain’s hesitance at speaking of the forbidden lands and did not demand I speak it. I continued, “My crew stands as witness that there is no force, and that I lay their blood against this oath with my own. My boards and my very life are forfeit if I should refuse when called.”
Hergir’s hand moved quickly, I almost didn’t see the move it was so fast. His blade was drawn and had dug a gash in my palm. Now, dagger tip coated in my blood, and drops spilling to the boards beneath our feet, he placed the scarab on my bleeding hand and spoke once more.
“I have heard your word, and give you one last chance to recant should any of it be a lie. If you truly bind yourself to this, speak Aye.”
“Aye, I so bind myself.”
The small scarab shimmered and the wings fluttered open revealing a rainbow iridescent sheen on the black Dragon scale beetle. This was the mark of truth. “I pray we both go remembered to our graves without this.” He said as both the knife and scarab disappeared into the folds of his cloak. “But you will know those I send for they will hail you by a name now lost to waves.”
I made to kneel in acknowledgement of his status, but a hand on my shoulder stopped the movement. “Remain afoot Jalen, I will not have a Shenn kneel to me.”
And with that Hergir turned, strode to the small rowboat with his man, and returned from whence he came. I didn’t see any ship that bore his crest nor did he claim a captain’s name, but rather he and his servant rowed off toward the ships at anchor. I had to assume that he had paid someone for passage, but without any banner I could not be certain.
With the worst of the indignities behind me, I went to secure my boards and return to Corimar. It was, at least, a safe port for a man who had at one point been sworn to bones. In tow came the young boy who had failed to kill me. And I only wished later, I had known the truth of the matter for I might have saved us all some tense moments.
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1Nevermind1 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very good. You’re a talented writer and you use the first person very well to convey feelings and suchlike :) You’re dialogue is concise and readable, you can understand whats going on all the time, and you also got the right amount of drama in the prologue…
Really small things I noticed which really dont matter all that much:
”Aye, and I free him.” That was a dangerous thing to say, – You might want to put IT was a dangerous thing to say. it reads better…
I don’t know whether it matters but it seems to explain ana wful lot of things. I mean, that’s good but you might want to let the reader know gradually… But Very good :D
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 4 -
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I love the beginning. It grabs the reader and pulls them in. I liked the ending too, you may consider ending the chapter sooner on more of a cliff hanger. I thought the chapter was really well done. The dialogue really flows. I liked the way you interjected Jalen’s thoughts. The only thing I thought was missing was a little more description. I don’t know what any one looks like or even where they are standing most of time. I don’t mean a lot of description or lists, just a little clue here and there. Also you don’t provide many mannerisms or gestures for the characters.
Jalen reminds me of Captain Jack Sparrow.
“Hangman, Grant that I may speak to my crew.” Before this part I had the sense that the pirate captain was alone. You may want to mention earlier that the crew it there.
I’d like to read more.
Claire_D reviewed Version 4 -
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Within the genre, I found this an enjoyable and acceptable piece of imaginative writing with colourful characters. It actually refreshing to be able to read a work and not take umbrage with the small details. Nothing to critique on the grammar front.
You subvert pirate clichés very well… I was worried in the wake of the current franchise (you know which one) and I was able to get into your characters. The dialogue was (for a historical piece) very enjoyable and although I wondered if the language would actually hold up in a full-length book, it was an enjoyable read.
A really fun read,
Claire_D
Whitebear reviewed Version 2 -
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Elle,
Once you get going I’m sure this tale will get interesting but your opening is weak—especially the first sentence. There is too much dialogue with too many different characters for a scene set on a gallows. The scene just goes on too long and you could improve the setting with creaking boards under Shen’s feet or the taste of salt-laden air.
I applaud your choice of words—”boards” for ships, “surety” for oath, etc. Makes the world you are creating more real.
Shen appears to be an honorable pirate, the sort of man whose enemies respect him and whose men would follow anywhere—and I’m certain that was your intent.
I’d like to read more but see the messages I sent to you to suggest an alternate way that doesn’t involve having to unlock reviews such as this one.
WaywardSonRising reviewed Version 2 -
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first, let me just tell you that i a hated the first line of this story. itis too long, you say “the Empire” twice which is unnecessary, andthe edge of the end of the world sounds clunky and unprofessional. from reading i understyand that the “end of the world” is something speacial,but in this case it really dosent work. you could just say that he was chased to the end of the world and the impliations would be the relatively the same.
i had toread this line twice: “The captain who had overhauled me stood just out of my line of sight, forced to watch me hang or face the noose himself.”
it is just a little awkward. i wouldsuggest a period after “watch me hang”, then starta new line with “That, or face the noose himself.”
i really liked this idea: “braids cut short to deny us a resting place…”
its these little tid bits and snipits that show you’ve taken the time to add depth to your worldand ithank you for them. also things like “hanging bones against the empire”, “being twice blooded”, and “sword a’ bones”. i have no idea what those thingsmean,but your characters do,and that adds depth. nicely played.
this one is just awkward: “And short of Swearing Empire..” short of swearing THE empire? what are you trying to say?
personal preference: “You are my captain but not my master, and beside you are twice blooded, marked and sworn ‘a bones.” i would definitely put a period after master, then drop the “and”. it will flow better, i promise.
this is a perfect example of what not to do: “But finally my quiet enjoyment of the wind came to an end as the Empire Hangman, a man who, by his voice was old and broken like the ships that lay only a stone’s throw from my feet addressed me.” youve gotten carried away with the descriptions you want to use and your trying to cram them into places they wont fit. this makesthe sentanceconfusing, almost likethe old broken ships are addressing him. remember, its ok to break lines into more than one sentance. this would read much better as two lines, one in which you introduce the hangman as speaking, the second where you describe his voice. compare: “But finally my quiet enjoyment of the wind came to an end as the Empire Hangman adressed me. He was a man who, by his voice, was old and broken like the ships that lay only a stone’s throw from my feet.”
on thesame note, iwould change this comma to a period and make it two lines: “I shrugged, it was a non-committal shrug.” thator just say “i shrugged a non-comittal shrug.”
in this,the comma after “them should bea period: “I had to throw that at them, Even my father had been given a trial….”
this made no sense to me: “Not from me.” Those words amounted to a declaration of War between the Pirates and his ship.
i dont get the dialouge. i understand the implication of warwith thepirates andthe captain, but what the crap does “not from me” have to do with that? also, when reading your dialouge it ishardto tell whois speaking because you seldom say. thisisnt that big a deal untill laterwhen you introduce a new character and fail tomentionthat thereis a new person speaking untillafter he has said his peice. not a good idea.
so, all that has been my criticism. let me say thati really did enjoy this. the world is solid, the pace is smooth. the only problemis the writing mechanics. tighten some thingsup, make sure the dialouge is clear as to who is speaking. other than thatithink you have a great beggining and i wouldnt mind reading more.
bravis reviewed Version 2 -
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Blimey – all the jargon. I felt like this was a chapter from late on in the book because I didn’t understand a lot of it. There is so much jargon and pirate talk and names that I felt totally lost and disconnected from the plot, and so much politics early on is not a good idea – you will lose your reader’s interest. It’s very clever and I admire your creativity, but I found it very hard-going.
Here are a few specific bits that I wanted to comment on…
“The Captain who overhauled me” – you say this twice at the start.
“I knew such would damn him as a traitor to me, but he was the only unblooded ranking member of my boards, and my choice if he should live, to take my ship.” – eh? I don’t understand this sentence… maybe you needed to be a pirate to get it?!
“And it was this wind we fought…. But finally my quiet” – try not to start sentences with And or But.
This all sounds very critical doesn’t it? Well I do think this story is interesting and you have obviously created an amazing world of treachery and pirates and violence and different languages and so on. I just think you need to have a little patience in revealing it to us. You need some scene setting firstly, otherwise as soon as I read a couple of “Aye”s I’m visualising Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom and nice sunny Carribean islands. Is this the scene you want? If not, you need to get on with replacing it with one of your own imagining quick smart.
Secondly, characters. I have a fairly fertile imagination, but I’d like a little help with my imagining of the main characters. Some simple description, some monologing (which incidentaly is an excellent way to tell me not only about how that person thinks, but also about the situation, the politics, the other characters, etc).
My advice, take this chapter, add about another 4000 words to it, and then resubmit it. If fleshing it out doesn’t work, put it on the back burner, write another chapter that sets the scene better and make that your prologue/chapter one. The thing I have learned already in the month that I have begun writing again is that you need to write a lot of chapters before you find your chapter one. It is SUCH an important one. It has to set the scene, maybe introduce the characters, and, above all, capture the interest of the reader… The person in the motorway service station looking for a good read to take on holiday… They read the first paragraph of your chapter one… Do they want to read the rest?
sparki34 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I found this really hard work to follow and it lacked flow.
extracts like below make it difficult to know who is talking.
”Do you see this blade?”
”Aye.”
”Do you know it?”
”No.”
”Then do you see this crest?” I heard someone swear by scales and shells, the two most powerful Magika there were.
”I see it.”
”Call it out that my brothers in the noose may know me.”
”It is the black Phaeon, wings outstretched.”
”Aye, and do you understand that sign and this blade?”
”An’ if I say no?”
My advice is to read this aloud to yourself if you havent already you will make many changes I am sure
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