Young Adult / Daydream Scence
Tristan took a step toward her, his hazel eyes sparkling in the light from the floating candles. His hands were now stretched out to her, inviting their counterparts to take their rightful places. Emily’s heart was now pounding in her chest as her eyes met with his. Swallowing the lump which had developed in her throat, she slowly raised her hands to meet with his.
The world around her began to fade into nothing, all of her surroundings meshing into pure light. As her feet rose from the solid ground, Emily could feel her senses draining from her body; all that remained now was her barely conscious awareness of the light around her.
Before Emily knew what had happened, she felt her body return to the security of the ground. Her senses slowly began to trickle back into her travel shocked body, beginning with her sense of sight. Enormous granite columns jutted from the ground, extending as high into the sky as her eyes could see. All around her feet, a soft, flowing cloud layer billowed, covering the face of the ground below.
Emily was in complete awe. What was this place? Was she dreaming, or worse… dead? Suddenly, her memory flowed back to her and a loud gasp escaped from her lips. She released his hands as if they were burning her skin. So this was the heavenly city, the source of all good and protection, the one her destiny tied her to.
“Tristan?” Emily whispered, incredulous and yet touched at his willingness to bring her to such a sacred place. “Why did you bring me here?” Then, for the first time, she noticed the worry etched into his dark brow, the terror lining the corners of his chiseled lips. “What is wrong?” It was then that she sensed what his expression had already revealed to her. The golden aura, emanating from the city, was tainted, glowing red as blood shed upon fresh snow.
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It seems interesting enough, though the title: is it supposed to say Daydream Scene?
I think, I need more of a description as to where they are before she’s whisked away to this la-la land, yeah? Because then instead of saying ‘all of her surroundings’ were disappearing you can name those specific things, it gives the reader a more clear mental picture and allows them to understand it better.
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OKay I like the idea of what this story will become. BUT I really think you should make Tristian evil down the line. Like out of nowhere another angel shows saying he’s the good one. And have him and Tristian battling for the spot of the good angel. But I really like the idea and enjoyed reading this
You really needed to write more for me to get a complete picture of what is going on here. It seemed very awkward to begin the story with her meeting him immediately. Also,it seemed strange that she knew his name immediately. There were no introductions…is this the very first scene, or does this scene come later?
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Everything looks great in this scene, at least in my opinion.
The only problems I had were with the first few opening lines. These lines:
Tristan took a step toward her, his hazel eyes sparkling in the light from the floating candles. His hands were now stretched out to her, inviting their counterparts to take their rightful places. Emily’s heart was now pounding in her chest as her eyes met with his.
You mention first how Tristan’s eyes are sparkling, but don’t reveal till afterward that her eyes are meeting his; this should come first before we find out that he has hazel eyes and that they are sparkling
“You could easily modify this to say: “Emily’s heart pounded against as Tristan took a step toward her, his hazel eyes sparkling in the candle light.”
This sentence also fixes a slight point of view problem, where you first mention Tristan, describing what he’s doing and then WHAM, we find out it’s actually Emily who the POV is to be set as. Keep the story unfolding from Emily’s eyes. Be careful of fliping POV on your readers without notice.
Other than that, you have a great piece, I just wish there was more to read.
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