Not entirely but I am glad the “sensuous” nature came through. Thanks for the suggestions!
Poetry / Qwerty Wishes
As the twinkling orb blinks into life,
the world outside grows colder.
In warm-sheathed repose,
I venture into the cyberhouse.
Into silken words I sink.
Through an elegant curve,
I fall breathless into her G.
The letters trace her dark motions.
Fallen verbs cast high into
the orbit of her thoughts. We float
above and below in soft
undulations of silence.
A pair of contrasting ions,
enmeshed in the iron gates
of circumstance; lost in the
remnants of faded messages.
Somewhere sometime, our worlds
will greet each other.
Until then we stand tall, running rings
around water-logged clocks.
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libby reviewed Version 2 -
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Altogether I liked this. Stanza 4 was outstanding, easily the high point. The first stanza I think is pretty weak, though. It lacks the pure emotion palpable in the rest of the poem. I’m not crazy about the ending either, because it’s kind of unclear. But as a whole this makes a beautiful love poem with a twist. Good luck!
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Anneson reviewed Version 2 -
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First, this is intense. I am going to asume this is about sex, as you mention seem to go down the indivudals body with words like ‘orbs’ and ‘fall breatless into her G’. In the last paragraph it states ‘Somewhere sometime, our worlds will greet each other’ It seems like you have already met, so maybe add ‘again’ after each other.
This is wonderful and elegant.
jenny reviewed Version 2 -
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A great contemporary poem. There’s a softness and seductiveness to the tone of the piece yet also a slight emptiness. I love the second stanza particularly, especially “I fall breathless into her G” with its sexual undertones. The ending is also striking although I have to admit I’ve yet to work out the symbolism of “water-logged” clocks…does that just represent the fact their two worlds are so far apart? Or maybe its a computer reference? Still, great job on the writing, I really liked this piece. Thank you for posting.
Afterlight reviewed Version 2 -
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I had some trouble understanding. I found it to be an overload of images. It really is beautiful though. It just slips through my fingers. I love the last stanza. Lovely job.
Rupert reviewed Version 2 -
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This paints a nice picture of the personal reasons of the writer for logging into the computerized world and the solace found in writing and knowing other will read it. Terrific use of metaphor.
TheWallruss reviewed Version 2 -
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I think you have done well in your challenge. Your descriptions are accurate and full of imagery. I feel them warm and welcome often times a day as I sit at my Virtual World and compose.
The first stanza takes me to familiar surroundings.
‘As the twinkling orb blinks into life,
the world outside grows colder.
In warm-sheathed repose,
I venture into the cyberhouse.’
I find comfort here, as I do in all the well worded and well thought out stanzas.
I can find no critique for fix or repair. Again this is really good. One of the best I have had the pleasure of reading here on the URBIS.
Rowling reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this piece. Very fluid. For the last line, I think you meant to write “Until then we stand tall…” rather than “Under than”. Very nice. Good work!
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