Thanks.
Wow your review is so useful. Thanks for pointing out the errors.
Humor/Satire / A truckers tale
The CB crackled, – the traffic is crawling and the highway is closed up ahead.
“Oh F” The force of the word careened through the CB shook the dashboard.
“Man! Take it easy” said another voice. “Take the next Exit for one mile and you will be back on the freeway”
“One more mile and two gallons of gas. Man! I only have enough to get me to PA” Dan turned the CB volume higher, this guy sounded interesting.
“Today is Friday, Payday” the CB crackled again
“Yeah Payday” a new voice fading off into the distance
”Yisterday ” the voice was a southern drawl “I was coming back from Florida and I got pulled into the damn scale. My rig could hardly fit on the scale. Then the chicken house door opened and this rod-up-his-ass Diesel Bear strutted out. You know the walk, like they belong to some secret society or somting. I just had a bad feeling about this. The Bear yelled that I had to come inside the scale house. F all I needed was some Fing, Fed up tickets. Anyways I squeezed out from behind the wheel. I’m kind of round by the middle, kind of like I haven’t seen my feet in decades and it is getting harder and harder to squeeze into the driver’s seat. By some miracle I managed to get down off my rig. That damn bear you know what he said to me. ”It’s my birthday I won’t hassle you too much”
Geez to much, I thought.
So I wobble after him, my legs mighty stiff and I needed to take a piss.
“Man” I’m suddenly thinking “This is one f*ed up week and come to think of it I haven’t taken a shower since Sunday. Anyways the Bear leads me down this thin stairway. My shoulders touch each wall and I’m making my way down slowly- very hard when you can’t see your damn feet. At least it’s warmer down here. Suddenly I smell this smell and suddenly I realize that this smell is me. Funny in the cab I didn’t notice it. Well see I’m sweating like a pig – the stairway is so dam hot and the stairs are a killer. So finally I get to the bottom – the office was tiny. Good thing I just managed to squeeze through the door. No wonder it was as hot as hell down here – that Diesel bear had two heaters blazing orange. So I’m standing and waiting and by this time sweat was pouring down my face and my back and my butt crack and if I live to a thousand years I still will not believe what happened. But it did! The Bear was standing behind his desk ready to write the ticket and I suddenly realized that no wonder he had the heaters on, he looked hell of a sick. Never in my life had I seen anyone so green. Anyways he had his hand over his mouth and kept doing this gagging thing, his eyes were red and watering. Then he looked up and told me to get out and get on my way. I didn’t understand – I was expecting my ticket. He made this croaking kind of sound and ran off – telling me to get out and go away. Well I never. Anyways I am not one to complain when good things happen, so I left half expecting to be called back. But he never called me back – I actually felt kind of sorry for the guy as I climbed the steps. The wrenching sounds coming from behind the tiny bathroom door sounded pretty bad. The poor guy must have been very very sick.
Well it only occurred to me while I was fixing the tarps on my truck that I must make a note to take a shower if not today then definitely tomorrow.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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The humor of this story is grounded in the voice and mannerisms of the narrator, which I don’t find all that humorous. Sorry. I hate being negative. I would find this more humorous if his character were more original and if there were more to the story than down the staircase, sick cop, back up the staircase, sick cop.
Proofreading notes:
A Truckers Tale = Trucker’s
The punctuation at the beginning of the story is absent or odd.
I suppose you are not southern? A southerner would never say “Geez”.
Geez to much, thought. = too (and probably Lord, or Heck or Shoot fire \fahr\)
So finally I get to the bottom – the office was tiny. (No logical relationship between these two clauses.)
he looked hell of a sick. (What does this mean?)
wrenching sounds = retching
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Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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EEWW!! lol the putrid stench of sweaty fat man just elaks through the screen, chunder lol WELL DONE! grossly entertaining. I can see this in a mini series, “Tales of a trucker” go for it.
Suggestions: The entire first paragraph seemed rather pointless to me. I understand you are trying to introduce atmosphere of multiple truckers but it really doesnt tie in at all with the rest. Try re-working it so that it fits better.
“next Exit for” no capital on exit.
“My rig could hardly fit on the scale.” Too many “scales” try using another wrod, or put the sentence b4 and this one into 1 so as not to repeat yourself.
“somting” Something? I understand this might be the way the “character” talks, but in that case he sounds French. Maybe “Sumthin’”
“F” all these throghout the entire piece REALLY take away from it. DONT star them out. Simply mark it as “mature content” and leave them. It took me a bit to figure out all the Fed, *ing and that…sounds bad.
“my legs mighty stiff” WERE mighty stiff.
“Bear” okay is this a title or not? Sometimes you capitalize it and other times you dont. Either make it his title and leave it capitalized or dont and make it small. LOL
” Suddenly I smell this smell and suddenly I realize” repetition again. Take out second suddenly.
“looked hell of a sick.” Trucker Idiom?? not correct. if you are using slang it would be “Hella sick”
“wrenching” WRETCHING
Overall funny and truthfully gross. The last sentence hammered it all together for me. Good job, lol and EW. I cant wait to see the next part=)
Eve
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