Thank you for reviewing. Claire leaned around Ryu, as the bald one was beside him, probably should try to clarify that. The part that starts so, the bald one… is meant to say so. Ryu’s mentally calculating which enemy is where. I know the fist thing is cliche, I just wasn’t sure how else to show he’s eager for a fight. Thanks for pointing these things out, I’ll try to smooth over the rough bits.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Mercy's Price Chapter 5
Ryu stepped out of the car and glanced around the campus. The place looked different in daylight. It might also be that his eyes were clearer now that he wasn’t looking for a place to curl up and die. He paused on the sidewalk and waited for Claire to lock her car and join him.
“Well, this is the campus,” Claire said. She shifted from foot to foot uncertainly. Ryu realized that he’d been watching her a little too closely. She was not H’Gan. There was no reason to watch her face to see when he’d pushed tolerance too far. He made a conscious effort and looked around.
“That’s the dorms,” Claire continued, pointing. Ryu followed her hand to a series of blocky, brick buildings. “I live in the closest one, my friend Dare lives across the courtyard.”
“They don’t look very inviting,” Ryu said. He’d seen friendlier looking prisons, actually.
“You haven’t seen the interior,” Claire said. “That’s worse. Oh, if you’re curious, that building there,” she paused to nod to the nearest building, a white stone block, “is the library. It’s actually very nice inside, has a coffee shop and everything.”
Ryu nodded absently. It was good to know what his surroundings were. Because his attention was on the building he missed an uneven step, and fell to land on his side with the breath knocked from his lungs.
Claire stopped and turned at the sound. “Are you okay?” she asked.
Ryu flinched as she reached for him. He saw confusion, then sorrow, in her eyes and she lowered her arm.
“I’m unhurt,” he whispered.
He crawled to his feet, unwilling to meet her eyes. Lovely, now he’d made a fool of himself and insulted his new master. What did he think she was going to do? She’d obviously only meant to help him to his feet.
“Okay. Let’s go see if Dare’s in his room.”
Ryu followed her around one building into the small grassy rectangle she called a courtyard. She went to one window on the first floor and tapped on it. A boy came to the window and leaned out.
“Hey, it’s the ice queen.”
“Derek,” Claire said. “Dare around?”
“No, he’s off being a tortured artiste,” Derek said, “You could come party with me instead.” He leaned out the window and leered at Claire, then glanced over at Ryu. “The kid can come too. Might learn something.”
Claire stepped back with open disgust on her face. Ryu hesitated to speak. Should he defend his lady’s honor, or should he let her fight her own battles? Was her honor even insulted? The boy’s words were too unclear, he might only be joking.
“He’s underage, and I’m not interested,” Claire said.
“Your loss, ice queen.”
Claire shrugged and walked off, pulling Ryu along by the wrist. He stiffened at the contact, but she let go the moment they were out of the courtyard. She was only making certain he got away from Derek.
“Ice queen?” Ryu asked. “I don’t understand.”
“Derek’s a jerk,” Claire said, “He figures since I’m not interested in him I’m frigid or something. He also thinks I care what he thinks, which I don’t.”
“Oh.” Ryu rubbed at his wrists, and said very softly, “I’m not.”
“Not what?”
“Underage.”
Claire stopped, and leaned against a short, stone wall. Ryu leaned over the waist-high barrier, intrigued to discover it bordered a fountain.
“How old are you, then?” Claire asked before Ryu could work up the nerve to question her about the purpose to the bubbling pool of water.
Ryu gave the question a moment’s thought, and decided he owed her at least this one bit of the truth. There was so much more he should have told her he hadn’t dared, but he could easily bring himself to answer a direct question.
“I am just over five hundred and eighty years old, lady.”
She didn’t believe him, any more than she believed the rest of his story. He could see it in her posture and her eyes. He wished he had the energy to prove himself to her. He couldn’t imagine how he’d prove his age, but other parts of his story he could back up if he only had enough magic.
He understood that she was only accepting his story because she didn’t want to upset him. She pitied him, and he found that he despised being an object of pity. He looked off into the distance, searching for the courage to ask for the energy he needed.
Movement in the near distance caught his eyes. Two men in dark suits walked down the path between the library and a building Claire hadn’t yet identified. The sun glinted off the bald skull of the closest. Ryu grabbed Claire’s wrist and pulled her off the fountain, ducking himself. He knew those men. He only prayed they hadn’t seen him.
“What’s wrong?” Claire asked. She tugged her arm and seemed shocked she couldn’t break his grip.
Ryu answered, “I saw two men in H’Gan’s employ. I suspect he sent them to find me.”
“How would he know to look for you here?”
“I don’t know,” Ryu said. He shuddered. “I had hoped to have more time.”
“Are you sure they’re here for you? Maybe they’re taking weekend classes.”
Ryu glanced at her, uncertain whether she was that optimistic or just making jokes. Her face revealed nothing but confusion and the beginnings of worry.
“These are not intellectual men, lady.”
“Maybe we should call the campus police,” Claire suggested.
“And tell them what?” Ryu asked, “They haven’t done anything.”
“From the way you’re acting, they’ve done something to you.”
Of course this one would be perceptive. Ryu crossed his arms over his chest. That wasn’t exactly a question. He didn’t have to speak. However, with those two looking for him, Claire was in danger. She deserved to know.
“He paid them to do the things that were too distasteful for him to do with his own hands.” Ryu held his arms across his stomach for a moment, and then realized how defensive the posture would look and forcefully rested his hands on the ground at his sides. “I can only assume he’s sent them to find me because it’s too much bother to come himself.”
“So, what do we do?” Claire asked. She sounded scared.
Ryu glanced at her. Why would she ask him what to do? She thought he was an insane teenager. By appearance, she was the older and theoretically wiser of the two. She was beginning to understand she was out of her depth. She was also beginning to trust him. The bond must be taking hold. Ryu was honestly startled. He hadn’t expected the Familiar bond to establish itself so quickly. Really, he hadn’t expected the bond to take at all. Neither of them had chosen it.
Before he could either answer her question or ponder what he felt about the bond, a booted foot landed next to his hand. He looked up. The bald one stood there with his arms crossed and a smug look on his face. Ryu looked over Claire’s head to see the other one standing there with a distinctly predatory grin.
Ryu bounced to his feet, bringing Claire with him in a stumbling jerk. He had to run. He didn’t have the strength left to fight them both. He couldn’t risk his new master. She was too young, and obviously a total stranger to violence. She would probably try something incredibly foolish, like talking to the men.
“What do you want?” she demanded.
Ryu tried not to roll his eyes. He lowered his head a little, letting his hair fall over his eyes to hide them. He kept both men in his peripheral vision and waited for an opportunity to grab Claire and run.
“We’re just collecting our boss’ property, Miss,” the bald one said.
Ryu wondered when he’d stopped flinching at being referred to as “property”. He noticed with numb curiosity that Claire stood straighter at those words. Maybe she didn’t like being called “miss”.
Claire, despite her fear and earlier questions, didn’t wait for Ryu or the men to act. She leaned around grabbed the bald one at the elbow and collar and shoved with all her weight. The man, completely caught off guard, overbalanced and fell headfirst into the fountain.
The other one turned to reach for his friend. Claire grabbed Ryu by the wrist and started running. He let himself be dragged along. This was most definitely not the moment for argument. He glanced back as they ran, trusting Claire not to slam them into anything solid. The bald one was upright, but still in the fountain. His partner was already running after them.
Claire ran around the library and down a set of stairs. She crashed into and through a metal door painted slate blue. The impact jarred her grip loose from Ryu. She paused and twisted around as she ran. Ryu had to grab her to stop her from running into a corner.
“Lady, where are we going?”
“Away from the bad guys,” she said. Despite all that running, she was only a little out of breath. Ryu, who was having trouble distinguishing his lungs from pits of lava, envied her.
“But where? Is this a basement?”
“Printing services,” Claire said, which told him nothing, “It’s under the library. It also connects to the boiler room of the History building, which connects to the basement level of the Art building.”
Claire led him through the underground hallway, passing a set of glass double doors. Ryu glanced in as they passed, seeing several large beige and white machines. He recognized one as a copy machine and assumed the rest served similar purposes. It made sense for a college to have such a place, he supposed. Students would have to print off essays and research papers and such, and it was more efficient to have all the equipment in one place. Why was it tucked away in such an inaccessible location, though?
Pounding footsteps on the stairs cast any such inquiries from his mind. He’d hoped H’Gan’s men hadn’t seen them run down the stairs. He now hoped Claire knew where she was going because it looked to him like they were about to be trapped.
Claire pushed her way through another door. This had to be the boiler room she’d mentioned, given as there was a boiler taking up most of the center of the room. The basement was so dim here that Ryu couldn’t make out much of the rest of the mess, except for a bank of lockers on one wall and what he thought might be a pile of school desks in a corner. Claire led him through the place with the unconcern of familiarity. She had, apparently, taken this short cut more than a few times in the past.
They reached a door after passing the boiler, but this one did not open under Claire’s hand. She put her hands on her hips in frustration.
“Naturally, they choose today of every day this semester to lock this. I don’t suppose at any time in those five hundred and eighty years you learned how to pick locks?”
“No, lady. Any lock I need to open, I could use magic to open,” he said.
“Could you do that now? There aren’t that many places we could go, they’ll find us soon.”
“No. I do not yet have the energy.” Ryu looked back towards the door. She was right. They had less than a minute before H’Gan’s men came for them, and they were trapped.
“It’ll be okay,” Claire said. She wrapped an arm over his shoulders.
Ryu jerked out of her reach. “I am not a child to be comforted,” he hissed.
Claire shrugged awkwardly. “Sorry.”
Ryu looked around the room. The boiler itself looked to be the most likely place to hide them. It put out heat, but not enough to bake them in the few minutes they’d have to be under it. He’d survived more uncomfortable situations. He grabbed Claire around the waist and pulled her into concealment just as the door burst open. It was a tight fit for both of them, but the shadows would hide them. He huddled against the gritty floor and put a hand over Claire’s mouth, desperately praying that she would cooperate.
Ryu watched the two men’s lower legs and feet as they paced the small room. He hoped both of them would go to the far door. That might give him the chance to take Claire and escape. They didn’t. They covered the room, one on each side of the boiler. He knew they had guns. If he and Claire tried to run, they’d be shot as they had to pause to open the door. He could only wait, and feel Claire’s too fast breaths against his palm, and pray the darkness hid them long enough for the men to give up.
“Where are they? You don’t think they doubled back?” one of them said.
“No. They’re in here. Little freak is going to pay for ruining my suit,” the other said.
So, the bald one was at the unlocked door. The other was between the boiler and the pile of school desks. They had no intention of giving up. Ryu would have to discourage them, then. He leaned in to Claire. This could only work if she stayed hidden and safe. He could fight them, if he didn’t have to protect her.
“Trust me to fight my own battles,” he whispered, his breath moving the fine hairs around her ears. “Stay here.”
Her eyes were wide in the dark, but he saw her nod. He slid out from under the boiler before she could change her mind. He took a large step into the corner, and purposefully kicked at one of the desks so it would look like he’d been hiding there. Then he adjusted his posture so that he stood slumped, head low, arms loosely crossed in front of him. That would be familiar to the men. They had to see what they expected, so that they would have no warning of how things had changed.
The dry one was the first to see him. He smirked and walked over, hitting his palm with his fist.
“So there you are. Where’s your little girlfriend?”
Ryu shrugged.
“Ran out on you? Too bad, Michelson wanted a crack at her after that soaking.”
Ryu blinked, momentarily confused by the name. He’d come to think of them only as H’Gan’s men, as nameless as himself.
“Whatever. Are you going to come quietly, or do I need to teach you a lesson?”
Oh, there was going to be a lesson. Ryu took a step back, shaking his head frantically. The man followed. Ryu counted steps, until the bulk of the boiler and a mess of debris was between them and Michelson. Then he looked up with a smile that might better fit a demon, and lifted one hand to wave the man forward.
He took the taunt, and stepped forward into a punch that Ryu could have dodged in his sleep. He slid just enough to the left to avoid it, and caught the man’s wrist. He twisted, eliciting a sharp yelp, and kicked the side of the man’s knee with all the force he could muster.
“Sweeney? You okay?” came the bald man’s voice. Now they both had names.
Sweeney was too busy falling to the ground in pain to answer. Ryu was certain he’d at least dislocated his knee. He patted the man on the head as he went to deal with Michelson. Sweeney was out of the fight for the moment.
Michelson came around the edge of the boilers. Ryu met him with an elbow to the gut. This one was a better fighter. He staggered back, eyes wide, but he didn’t go down.
“The hell?”
Ryu spread his hands. “I’m not under orders anymore.”
Michelson tried to draw his gun. Ryu didn’t let him. He rushed him, forcing his arm up and bringing his knee into the man’s groin. Michelson could only block part of the attack, and ended up staggering back into the wall of lockers. Ryu jabbed his palm into the man’s chin, taking advantage of the difference in their heights to get the right angle. Michelson’s head rocked back into the locker. Ryu applied pressure to his wrist, and the gun fell to the ground. Ryu released that wrist and swung his elbow into his solar plexus. Michelson folded with a squelch of wet silk.
A sound behind him alerted Ryu to Sweeney’s recovery. The man had managed to lever himself to a standing position, balanced on the boiler and his undamaged leg. He had his gun up. Ryu couldn’t possibly cross that distance in time. He cursed himself. He should have taken the gun, not played around.
Sweeney gave a yelp and crashed to the ground. Ryu was puzzled, until he looked at the boiler. Claire’s hands were wrapped around the man’s ankle. She looked up at him from her prone position as if waiting for suggestions.
Ryu ran forward after kicking Michelson’s gun out of reach. He grabbed the first solid thing that came to hand, which proved to be an old shovel, and raised it over Sweeney’s head. He brought the makeshift weapon down over the man’s skull. Sweeney went limp. Then he turned back to Michelson, who was struggling to his feet.
“I think not,” Ryu said. He dropped the shovel, picked up Sweeney’s gun, and aimed it at Michelson.
The man raised his arms. Ryu stepped closer, enjoying the fear in those eyes. It felt so good to have them at his mercy for a change.
“Please. Don’t.”
Ryu shrugged and swung the gun around, slamming the butt of the pistol into the man’s temple. He joined his friend in the darkness.
Claire crawled out of her hiding spot and joined Ryu. Her posture was very timid, and she didn’t try to touch him. Did she fear him now?
“Are they dead?” she asked.
He shook his head. “No, but with your permission, lady, I will correct that oversight.”
“No!” she yelped, “Don’t kill them.”
Ryu sighed and put the gun down. He had no choice. He supposed he should be glad that the first real order his new master gave him was a compassionate one.
“We should leave, then, before they wake up. They will not be so merciful as you.”
“Okay.” Claire went back the way they’d come. “Let’s go find Dare.”
Ryu followed, wondering whether she still wanted him to meet her friends or if she now wanted her friend to protect her from him.
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Antigrav1117 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is well paced, good story-telling. Narrative seems well done also.
This sentance seems awkward, I dunno exactly why.
“Ryu followed, and now wondered wryly if she still desired him to meet her friends or if she would seek their protection.”
LOL I dunno- maybe that isn’t any better LOL.
In any case- great job! I like it!
“Ryu followed, wondering whether she still wanted him to meet her friends or if she now wanted her friend to protect her from him.”
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Tivarah reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good and enjoyable writing. We are now seeing more of Claire Character and Ryu’s capabilities. I did have a few points of trouble.
She leaned around grabbed the bald one at the elbow and collar and shoved with all her weight.- leaned around what? I’m not getting a clear picture of what is happening here.
Ryu, who was having trouble distinguishing his lungs from pits of lava, envied her. – nice :)
So, the bald one was at the unlocked door. – is that meant to be soon?
He smirked and walked over, hitting his palm with his fist. – this is fine but to me that is such a cliched thing for a bad guy to do.
This is coming along nicely and I am looking forward to the next bit, well done.
AstridM reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m glad this was in the queue. I’ve been looking forward to reading more of your story.
He made a conscious effort and looked around. – Maybe “effort to look around” instead, since that’s what he was trying to change.
A boy came to the window and leaned out. – Have we seen Derek yet? I haven’t read all the chapters, so I’m not sure. If not, you may want to describe him in a little more detail, rather than just saying a boy came to the window. Tall, short? Hair? What’s his expression? Is he angry that she knocked on his window, or is this a normal thing for them? (Just a few thoughts…)
He also thinks I care what he thinks – Using “thinks” twice so close may not be the best idea. I’d switch one for a different word. He’s under the impression, he believes, I care about his opinion, etc.
Would Ryu know what it means to be underage? Would she have to explain that to him?
He recognized one as a copy machine and assumed the rest served similar purposes. It made sense for a college to have such a place, he supposed. Students would have to print off essays and research papers and such, and it was more efficient to have all the equipment in one place. Why was it tucked away in such an inaccessible location, though? – This part seems out of place (I’m making notes as I read, not all at the end.) It doesn’t seem important to the scene because I don’t think that Ryu would be wondering about printing services with the bad guys on their heels. It jerks the reader away from the real action.
The rest of the chapter is really nice. I think you’ve done a great job keeping it exciting and describing the action. I like that we get to see Ryu in action, as it were, since he’s been suffering for quite a while. Nicely done. I’ll be looking for more!
C78Foster reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this. I could see the fight happening as I read, and the wording just really helped to display a scene in my mind of this whole chapter, I think this has a really good chance at being a book, keep up the good work.
TheDisturbedOne reviewed Version 1 -
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wow really well written over all..Good size for a chapter, not to long and not to short. I enjoyed reading this. I was a bit lost at first, but thats just from the lack of knowing the previouse chapters I guess..
Good job! Keep it up!
-TDO
catherinespark reviewed Version 1 -
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A slight nitpick in the prose would be excessive use of character names in place of “he” or “she” which can be a little infuriating at times. I know this is difficult to do but you have to go by your instincts when reading it through as to how many times it is acceptable to use a name for a particular character.
Anyway, as for the story, the writing is very engaging and I think you managed to balance the character development with the action very well. I think the moments of action, especially towards the climax, which is especially breathtaking, are done terrifically well.
Your ability as a writer to keep sentences which reveal things about the character while also advancing the plot makes you are very canny writer indeed.
Laura
thewizard83 reviewed Version 1 -
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‘Because his attention was on the building he missed an uneven step, and fell to land on his side with the breath knocked from his lungs.’ This was very difficult to read. It needs attention and no comma before ‘and’.
I liked the part about Ryu hating being pitied, very good detail. Also how he tries to act around Claire. It is clear he is used to being defensive and mistreated. Wondering about the copy room as they ran through the hallway made me smile. Breaks in tense situations are always welcome when done properly.
‘This had to be the boiler room she’d mentioned, given as there was a boiler taking up most of the center of the room.’ This sentence felt a forced effort at being funny. I think something more like ‘A boiler sat squarely before them so they must be on the right course.’ It ties in the fact Ryu was uncertain whether Claire knew where she was going.
I’ve read worse fight scenes. Yours’ is lacking pace and intensity. Make quick transitions between what the characters are doing. Short sentences are always good for quick, action packed sequences. I wish I could give you a couple of examples, but my mind just isn’t cooperating at the moment.
Overall, I like what I see. Your dialogue is the strongest point. The prose needs a bit more polishing; but even though I haven’t read any of the other chapters, I enjoyed what you are doing with the story. It is very intriquing. Reminds me of a mix between ‘Unleashed’ with Jet Li and that ABC Family show, ‘Kyle XY.’
rAwPotential29 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great story! It seemed to me that I was being pulled from the mundane into a world of asian folklore. Thorougly enjoying.
shivsguy reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very good piece, the syntax is okay and so is the spelling. The story flows well and is well paced. The dialogue is very realistic which really helps to carry the story along and the descriptions are all quite vivid and visual. I really like this, keep up the good work. Cheers.
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