Poetry / Grief

Rain falls, and grief rolls down my skin, melting into a murky puddle at my feet
where it seeps through the earth and makes a painful descent into hell.

There, it mingles with the blazing stench and anger and torment that hide
in the darkest shadows of fear and hatred of all mankind,
until it steams into an angry, hissing mass of ugliness
and explodes!

Into nothing…

And it’s gone. Destroyed.

My grief is no more, though the rain continues to fall…

from the heavens.

You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.

Reviews

February 21, 2008

jdgosslee

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
143	59.3% (91 votes)	30.0%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	M	United States	October 20

jdgosslee reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

  The title is catchy, it is hard for anyone not to read a poem called greif.
The metaphors are not clear, the lines do not flow, the whole work is filled with overused ideas, such as ”...murky puddles…” I think we’ve all seen enough puddles not to want to read about them.
  Part of writing is taking something familiar and changing the readers idea of what the familiar is attached to, you don’t want to identify with pain, we live pain everyday and can readily identify it without it being written.
  To right about pain we have to read about something else.  Not all of mankind is filled with hatred.  How can a stench be blazing? Say it outloud….....blazing stench….....isn’t that kind of funny?
  You do have a good point in this poem Hell leads to Heaven and vice versa, this is the ying-yan, but the delivery needs to be dryer and not so emotionally gushy.  Whatever compliments you get this poem, ask yourself these questions, am I just seeking a way to feel good about something?  What makes these commenters valid?  Do I recognize the inherent problems with my own peice and am I willing to fix it?
   The whole poem needs to be reworked, including grammar.

add/view comments (2)

February 22, 2008

by KindredSpirit

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
128	94.9% (79 votes)	28.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
100	F	Honolulu, HI	December 01

personal info reviewer stats

   Thank you for your review and I respect your opinion even though I feel some of it is misinterpreted.  I agree the ‘murky puddle’ area is cliche and should be changed, although, it did seem right at the time I wrote this.  And I will check on the flow of the piece.  Not sure I understand your 2nd paragraph – don’t write about pain?
   Of course not all of mankind is filled with hatred but we are after all in Hell at this point.  Same for ‘blazing stench’.  I think it is appropriate as well as non-cliche considering it is about Hell (it doesn’t sound funny to me).
   I meant for this to be emotional in the vein of an emotional outburst, where pain or grief or anger builds into such tension it just explodes on itself, and then it’s finished.  My thoughts were along the lines that heavy grief can be cured or cleansed or at least softened by faith in something higher, hence, the beginning with rain falling and the end, “the rain continues to fall… from the heavens.”  Maybe not a pretty poem but there is hope at the end.
   I thank you again for your time and opinion.

February 22, 2008

by jdgosslee

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
143	59.3% (91 votes)	30.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	M	United States	October 20

personal info reviewer stats

Yes, this is alot like Hell, at least as much as I understand a hell to be.
Writing about pain is one thing, but don’t write “pain,” or “painful”. You used “painful. I figure you’re just a better writer than to have to use such easy words.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.