Poetry / By Mine Own (Analysis)

Taking into account the notes you posted for the purpose of this poem, I’d say you did a nice job of showing what it means to live forever or to die.  It is definitely a poem that could be seen as dark, but I didn’t really feel that way.  It shows what living means and the important role death plays in human existance.

I really did not understand this piece. The word usage was a little different. I get that this piece is talking about people never dying. I reads almost as if someone casting a spell or something.

• add/view comments (1)

July 08, 2008

by Anonymous

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
57	85.7% (28 votes)	24.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Cheyenne, WY	October 27

You’ve got the gist of it pretty well. It’s about Life and why living forever would be a bad idea. note the the people who died are in a better position than the winners. “Lucky Losers, quick their death”. Life is great, but too much of it would become dreary and even painful. I hope that helps you out some. Questions are welcome =]

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I agree that one of the worst thoughts is outliving everyone that you’ve ever known, but that isn’t necessarily the thought that was going through my head when I read your poem, I usually read the poem first, then read the title, then read the poem again, then read the author’s comments to see what I’m supposed to be “looking for”.  Initial impression was that you’ve got the rhyming scheme down.  It almost sounded like an intro for a videogame for Roman conquests or perhaps a survivor game during the Plague Years.  

After I read what you were looking for, it took a slightly different perspective, I began to think of Vampire fiction that I have read, and how many can’t cope with the fact that all the mortals they meet will die in 70 or so years, while they live for hundreds if not thousands of years.  To that end, this poem resonated greater with me that way, it wasn’t about an actual battle or any real effort on the protagonist’s part, it was based more off of the fact they survived, and their life wasn’t better because of it.  

You may want to take a look at some repeated words in such a short poem, such as “losing/lose” and “dead/death/dead”  I would think about maybe changing those words, but I realize that would involve changing the rhyme scheme a bit, so tread lightly where that is concerned, a potential idea is in a line like “Lucky losers, quick their death,/Woe the winners, hard their breath.” could become “Lucky losers, quick their end/Woe the winners, never to mend”  That still in my opinion captures the theme in tone, without it being repetitive.

I’m not going to suggest you change the tone of your poem, because it is your work and not mine.  I did enjoy it, and I liked the fact that I took it differently each time that I read it.  I wish you all the best with your revisions.

Very allegorical and great rhyme. At once gives the feeling of loneliness and dread. I like how it reads. I specifically enjoyed Lucky losers… their breath.

Keep writing!

Regards,
Ikram

“For horrid battle they did fall” – the meaning of this sentence literally means “they fell for the sake of the battle”. Do you want to replace ‘for’ with ‘in’?

I don’t know if you’re from a country where certain words are spelt differently, but if you’re american then there’s no hyphen between NO and THING.

I’m not noticing any real…flow here. I can’t tell what you’re writing about it. I had a pretty good image for the first few lines but starting with “Those who died did not lose.” I lose it.

Interesting word and language choice, good luck in any future projects. Thanks for the read.

• add/view comments (1)

July 08, 2008

by Anonymous

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
57	85.7% (28 votes)	24.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Cheyenne, WY	October 27

You make very good points here. “In” does seem like a much better word now that it has been pointed out to me. I put the hyphen in place to separate the syllables more acutely, to preserve the rhythm. I know it’s a very hard poem to understand, but if you take it one bit at a time… I’ll break it down. The game I speak of is akin to “life” and many people think that dying is “losing” in some form or another, especially dying prematurely. On the other hand, many people don’t want to die, or ignore death as a general rule. For them, eternal life would be a “blessing” I suppose. What I’m trying to outline here, is that eternal life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I wouldn’t want to live too long, because life would become dreary, boring, and even painful.

And the poem is ONLY an outline of a grander theme that I hope to expand on someday. I hope the clears things up for you a bit, if you have any further questions I’ll be happy to answer them.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This made me stop and think about my own mortality and  how it would be to survive everyone I know and love.  I don’t think it would be very pleasant, probably very lonely and difficult to go from day to day not having anyone close.  Very chilling and very eye opening.

It seems to be making a point about the negative consequences of war-time and could be inferring a political message as well about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, but the immortality comment makes me think it is a reference to Highlander. Any ways, the dungeon and battle make me think of a fantasy middle ages or dungeons and dragons kind of world. It kind of sticks into my head but doesn’t really enlighten me any.

To improve it I would try to stay away from cliqued heavy metal fantasy dungeon type stuff, unless that is your intent. It rhymes a lot which helps its flow but might stifle the actual meaning and can be kind of cheesy when it doesn’t seem poignant. It does have some good qualities and is imaginative, but is vague and metaphoric which is good for a poem but leaves the meaning harder to interpret.

You have a good sense of what you are going for, however you could probably benefit from using more imagery. That is what everyone is going to tell you, I know, but its true for this poem especially.

Show us the torture, make us feel why the losers are better off than the still living victors. Take this to the next level and make it more story and less static description.