Short Story / Mama

I’m really sorry, but there’s not much to go on. There’s not enough here to give it any kind of rating as a short story.  As a description of a character, it works well enough, but without context -- such as the first chapter of the book you’re trying to write -- there’s not much to go on in terms of judging this.

It is really too short.  It’s probably more of a poem.  But, it could be a good beginning to something if you develop an idea around it.  Good descriptions.  Develop it more.

This short sample is very bland.  The reason why is because you just list a bunch of features about the mother character without truly filtering through the narrators eyes.  It’s telling us this feature and that feature like you are checking off a list of items rather than choosing the most important feature(s) and then bringing them to life through the narrator.  For example, instead of saying her skin was “soft to the touch,” why not give readers a memory that best exemplifies that feature and activates the imagination, inviting the reader into the story.

I think it makes more sense to start with “Mama had A kind of beauty,” then go into the kind that you describe as-is.  I might say that “she had skin like chocolate”.  If you want to keep it as-is, then spell “chocolatey” correctly.  The semi-colon afterward is misused.  Use a comma instead.  

“passed” her shoulders.

The last sentence of the first paragraph makes no sense whatsoever.  Fix it.

Explain WHY her eyes draw you in. That’ll increase the power of the writing.

I like the way it ends, but this is so short and to the point that I think you might be able to reorganise it more effectively as a poem rather than a piece of flash fiction.

This is a nice little piece of writing, but there’s not much too it. It seems almost like a character sketch, the description is vivid, it does make me want to read more, I hope there is more too it.

Some specific areas to improve, esp in are of repetitiveness:

Mama had that kind of beauty -- should be one sentence instead of two -- too repetitive.

in their grasps—I think this should be in their grasp.

she had a tinkling laugh too—this sentence actually is repeated and explained better by the following sentence so I think you should cut it.

He’d left, hadn’t he?

the end I think can be shortened by writing it : and in the next instant he had disappeared into the night…etc.

Great images… reminds me a lot of the character sketches in Zora Neale Hurston’s “The Eatonville Anthology.”  A lot less caustic, though…

“Mama had…was possible.” – Combining these sentences would read cleaner.  The repetition of “kind” works, but it isn’t necessary.

“maybe perfection” – I would recommend against the “maybe,” be assertive

“Her dark…” – I would recommend breaking the pattern of starting all the sentences with pronouns, just start with “Dark thick…”

“Thin… waist.” – The use of “though” throws me off.

“bright[,] lively” – comma always between two adjectives

”...drew you in.” – Jump to the second person.  Its a style choice, but I would recommend having her eyes draw “Daddy” in.

“notes from a piano” – nice

“She had… key.” – combine

“He’d left” – I recommend against use of contractions unless you are going for a dialect, in which case, italics would set it apart from the narrative.

“closing soundlessly…” – very nice

Overall, good read.  I’ll be happy to discuss more in the comments.

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April 06, 2009

by kimz_twstd

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
74	88.2% (17 votes)	35.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
16	F	Sandy, UT	October 22

thanks so much for the comments, i appreciate it. Its been very helpful for my next draft.

April 06, 2009

by shoppingcartfreedom

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71	96.4% (55 votes)	50.5%

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Glad I could help… would love to read the revision.

April 08, 2009

by kimz_twstd

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
74	88.2% (17 votes)	35.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
16	F	Sandy, UT	October 22

i’ll be posting it soon

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although this is a bit cliched, you’ve written it well. i loved the description of mama but i feel thats a sort of stereotype of the beautiful mama and the dad leaving with the child wondering why

Very good description of the mother.  However, you already stated she black hair so there’s no need to use the word ‘dark’ too.  ”Thin though…” doesn’t seem to flow well in that sentence.  May you could say something like…”She was a tall woman and towered over even most men, though her waist was small and her hands dainty.” Overall, I liked it and think would work well as prologue.  Good luck!

Even though it’s really short it’s written very well. I wont really call it a story though. I think you should add more to this like reason why he left. It wasn’t because she was ugly so have like the narrator throwing out random reason why he left. Then it’ll probably be more of a short story and wont need any continue. I think you did an awesome job of describing the Mama also.