Thanks for the useful review! Don’t feel guilty – just don’t sleep with your best girl friends. Life tends to get messy when that happens…
Poetry / Abstinence...
What I want is your heart.
You can keep your soul,
what would I do with a soul, anyway?
Fill it with gawdy trinkets and wasted time.
But your heart, plump and sweet,
I’d fill with promises, sweet nothings and pain.
What I get is sticky sheets,
a phone that refuses to ring,
a pet wolf that I can’t tame,
and the joy of knowing I’ve abstained…
from abstinence.
Just your heart.
But if I can’t have that, I’ll take what I can get.
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wolfie_pink reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow, this has to be the best I’ve read today. I like romantic poems as any other girl would but I liked this one because its touching to read something so passionate.
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mikeseed reviewed Version 2 -
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Sticky sheets, fantastic. I’m going to be honest, I love the poem. But I think it would be an improvement if you lost the last two lines and ended it with “from abstinence.” It would be shorter and more crisp. And abstaining from abstinence just makes a terrific note to end on. I got to say this kind of makes me feel guilty for the times I’ve hooked up with girls and then blown them off or not called back. Keep writing more things like this.
chelly reviewed Version 2 -
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This si the third of your poems I have read. I like your work I think you do a good job at writing about jaded love. Hope to read more.
malyshka reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this, catchy, truthful. It shows human nature for what it is. Love is great, it is also hard to find, but sex isn’t. And the dirty sheets are all that you are left with, and the wolf. Take what you can get.Well written, I enjoyed this very much..
asphyxiatedsmile reviewed Version 2 -
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I usually go from top to bottom… I’ll start with those last two lines; at first I almost missed them, and I was very pleased with the poem.
I do think its very well written, and I like the base theme… but those last two lines seem overpreached, and almost… too obvious to put in.
In other words, I don’t like those last two lines. :P
Okay. The first two lines seem a bit weak- with reading the rest of your piece I can tell you could have made them stronger;
“What I want is your heart.
You can keep your soul, ”
Its very to the point, and this is more personal opinion I suppose.
The third line is leading into the more embodied part of the piece, and despite the simplicity its very well fitted; The third and fourth lines are actually my favorite.
The fifth seems like a carry on to the sixth, (Which I’ll suppose it is)But… that sixth line is actually one of my least favorites, I don’t think it fits very well, and the symbols and Ideas you use are borderline cliche… I think you could use better and more original terms in that line.
The sticky sheets line I also love, it gives a very good image of what you’re trying to convey… very nice.
Also, the phone that refuses to ring fits quite well- I agree with it; it isn’t my favorite line, but It fits there. Almost a neutral.
The wolf term is bit… off. I think I understand what type of metaphor you were attemoting with that, but I can’t say I agree with the wolf.
at first, I really enjoyed the last two lines; they finished the piece quite well… but after a few times reading it over, I think you should have used images and ideas… maybe more symbols, to convey the fact you didn’t abstain, or instead abstained from itself; instead of just stating the fact.
I like what you’re doing with it, but I think you could edit it to make it more complete.
SGES reviewed Version 2 -
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Hmmm….
I really like this. The form and flow are in excellent shape. The bottom is magic. But what of all this soul bussiness? That is what I fail to understand. What is with the line aout fill a soul with trinkets and such? Why mention the soul? Why write it into a poem about the wish for obtaining a heart?
It is good and highly original. I enjoyed this.
ashkrafton reviewed Version 2 -
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This version is fuller. Love is a bittersweet thing. Good improvements.
TheWallruss reviewed Version 1 -
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Your message is delivered clearly. Wet dreams and a strained wrist are pour substitutes indeed for love. I have never been a fan of profanity in poetry so that I do not like. The rest of the write is good and delivered well.
ashkrafton reviewed Version 1 -
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This struck me as a powerful piece. Line 2 through 4 don’t exactly fit the rest of the thought, and I think they are worthy of exploring on their own. Perhaps remove the soul lines and explore the heart line—what would having a heart give you?
Excellent times 3, and hope to see more thoughts on the soul lines.
ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 1 -
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hmmmm… I think this makes a good spoken word piece. It’s concise and direct. I definitely think that a lot of people can relate. So good job. As far as abstinence goes, it’s a nice idea, but it’s not a reality for most people.
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