This makes 3 chapters I have reviewed of this piece. I have enjoyed the progression of the characters and the storyline. I have few complaints. However, you do need to revise. A running commentary is as follows: He slid behind her wrapped his arms around her. “Whatever it is we will face it together.” (I would suggest: He slid behind her wrapping his arms around her torso...) Strong dialog to start the chapter. Reminds me, as I'm sure you get quite often, of LOTR. Especially this line "... or...

After reading this I am reminded of that old adage: Never mix philosophy with weed. Nothing good can come from it. That being said, your narrative wanders to no place in particular. Give it another go with a hard redraft and see what happens. Definitely use spellchecker as you do. I got distracted many times over but the typos. Good job. Redraft! Keep writing. Hope this helps! whether William Shakespeare cold ultimately (could) against the concrete poduced a shrill, sonic dissonance. (produce...

Well done! The narrative is strong, the protagonist consistent, engaging, ultimately relatable. The flow of the piece is fast paced. The minor characters believable. For someone that has little time in writing the genre, you have done very well. Some minor corrections to follow but otherwise I see no reason not to attempt publication. Hope my thoughts and corrections help. Keep writing! Lights limits our space. (Light limits our space?) Nice opening. Engaging. These are the middle-aged and ol...

I'm uncertain if you over thought this piece or didn't think long enough on it. Understand that it isn't my attempt to be harsh. My thoughts are meant to aid you in flushing this work out as you have talent, you have elements of comedy here, but this... not so much. Ultimately, as you redraft this, I would cut the volume in half. There was a lot of content that completely drowned out the comedic elements that are there. Specifically the cab ride there and back again. From there, maybe you can...

First off, this story needs a serious redraft of both content and concept. The idea of a cowardice warrior isn't completely out of the real of possibility nor is it completely original but anymore, what is? The flow of the piece is slow and burdensome. I have made mention of some ways of fixing that in my notes. You have something here that just needs refined. Keep writing and exploring your craft and you will find it. Of this I have complete confidence. Hope my thoughts help. Good job and ke...

This needs work. Specifically sentence structure and a few typos. I cover most in my notes. That being said, this comes at me as a period piece. One from a far more innocent time. I'd like to read more of this story. I hope my thoughts help. Good job. And keep writing! launderies should be laundry strong narrative 5 paragraphs in. a field to a patch of trees. We sat down under the trees and -- this starting a theme of run on sentences which robs from the flow of the piece. I would reign in as...

This piece has strong potential but needs a hard redraft. I'll cover more of that in my notes. Before hand, having done stand up, Shelly's timing was too rushed. You have your sham, one liner comics but this didn't suit her in how you crafted the character. Also, the jokes, not so much. I would go back and find some real zingers if you are going that route. The whole naming of a child thing, unless this particular aspect plays to the character development, I would redo. In one instance, on pa...

Overall, this is a good start. It still needs a redraft but more on that in my notes. The characters are relatable and consistent throughout. The voice of the narrative strong. The voice of the protagonist readily identifiable. You do not stray from other vampire lore. This is good in some respect. Predictable in others. I would challenge you to switch it up some from the given about vampires thus making this piece truly your own and not a rehash of so many others. But in doing so, do not tak...

Yet another tragic tale for the lonely hearted. Not sure who is more pathetic, Steve for being a pedophile or Bobcat for his choice in hairstyles. Regardless. The narrative of the piece is strong and consistent throughout. The flow was surprisingly quick. I had expected something completely different given the title but as the piece progressed, it was obvious what was to ensue. You have talent and a grasp of the narrative. I want to see you use both in broadening your skills. There were no ty...

I just reviewed the next chaper in this story prior to this one. With a few suggestions, this piece can go from good to great. Briefly, you have far too many run-on sentences. You use and in almost every other sentence. The flow of your work is pretty quick as you build this amazing story yet the sentence structuring negates your effort. Do a hard redraft eliminating the run-ons. I pose one suggestion in my following notes. On content, I tackle one inconsistency in the notes but one still rem...