matt_mcbrien's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Findlay, OH
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 19
LOC: Findlay, OH
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 19
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Version 1
5 Reviews
6 Comments
Polycarp sat quietly at the head of the table, wondering what was happening out in the city. Had the time he dreaded so much finally come? He looked around the room, gazing into the eyes of each and every one of those present. These men and women were his flock. His desire to keep them safe was exceeded only by his desire to teach them to live in the fullness of the Spirit of Christ. As Polycarp was thinking these things, there was a knock on the door. A young member of the church, Justus, wa...
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Version 1
5 Reviews
8 Comments
The roar of the crowd was intense. Hundreds were in attendance at the arena, and their anger was palpable. As Marcianus edged his way to an open space, he felt distinctly out of place. He was a Roman soldier, hiding here among the crowd, pretending to be a part of the rabble. But he was also a Christian, and he had to see what was happening here. He could not simply hide away at his home, safe outside of the city while his brothers were slaughtered. Down in the center of the arena, a man was ...
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Assuming this is the beginning of the novel... I'd like to see a slightly better introduction to the main character, Commander Marlon Smith. In fact, I'd like to see his full name and rank used together much earlier in the story, so that when you're jumping from rank, to first name, to last name, I'm not getting confused. There are several times in the story where you refer to him as Marlon, or the Commander, even as Mr. Smith. You should try to stick with a single one for standard references...
Alright... At the beginning, in the first flashback, I'd really like to have some idea of how old Nile is. It doesn't say anything about that, as far as I can tell. I liked the glimpse at her mother going crazy. Flashbacks can be tough, though. I mean, it didn't take too long for me to figure out it was a flashback... but I wish there was something there to let me know beforehand. When the flashback ends, and we zap to Nile being on the phone with her friend Mara, I was confused. I had no ide...
The writing is overall quite solid. It's interesting, and captures my interest. Unfortunately, you have it listed as a short story, and if this is meant to be the whole of the short story, it's simply coming up short. It's a good start, but it just stops amid the action without any real sort of conclusion. The beginning is a bit confusing. After re-reading it a few times, it makes sense, but I don't think I should have to re-read it to understand. The brief intro makes me feel like I am outsi...
I rather wish the beginning of the chapter wasn't so explicit. I realize it's from a woman's viewpoint, but I really could have done without that. If I hadn't previously read and enjoyed the prologue, I might very well have skipped over the story because of it. The mental flashback is a nice touch, but you need to work on your transitions. She's at the gym, then she's suddenly having a flashback, and then she's on the phone with Aunt Hope, and then we finally see that she's at the motel (whic...
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