lorataite's profile

An interesting chapter. I have some suggestions, though. First of all, I think this chapter needs a lot of basic editing. I saw a lot of typos, many of which a word processor would pick up. So many typos become distracting for the reader. I think this chapter might be a little more interesting for the reader if the actions were described a little differently. Instead of just telling what happened, it would draw the reader in better if the story was told as it happened. To phrase it differentl...

Pretty good, overall. I have some suggestions for you. I thought that, for the most part, the description in this chapter was very good. However, in the first paragraph, it seemed a bit too much. Also, I have to wonder if this is the first chapter. The descriptions made it seem as though it was, but your note made me think that it wasn't. But in any case, I think the first paragraph's descriptions could be toned down a bit. Try spreading the descriptions of Lugi out a bit more, that way they ...