liquidpolaroid's profile

That was very interesting, as I read more I discovered more and more about the situation, and the room and people around the character transformed with every piece of extra information. It felt as if I was reading in slow-motion. In that sense you were quite successful. I suggest the use of elipses in place of repeating the word "happened". For the most part, until "She is staring at me with wide open eyes" you provided some link between each adjacent sentence. It would be interesting if you ...

I too have a story I'm currently working on (sci-fi), and I feel the same way. I'm often coming up with new plot points and interesting details to use. Its great to hear you speak about your story so fondly. I'll get into the nitty gritty of corrections first: The first person perspective makes it more conversational, which I quite like, but be careful not to make it too casual. For instance, I would change: "Like every night, she kissed me on my cheek" to "Every night, she kisses me on my ch...

Your descriptions are effective and the pacing of the dialogue is spot on. I particularly liked this sentence in which you both describe the ambience and maintain the suspense: "The pale light flickering from the street lamps left too much to the imagination." I noticed that you changed to present tense beginning with: "Jason struggles with all his weight ..." and ending with: "The world goes dark." I'm not sure if this was deliberate (I realise that you mentioned you changed it to present te...

I really enjoyed this piece, and you've proved yourself to be good with words especially at such a young age. The description was very vivid and the isolation and anxiety felt by the main character was quite palpable. It's also open to interpretation which is always a plus, and lets you focus more on getting across the mood of the short story. I'd like to see what you produce without the restriction of length.

Overall I enjoyed the work, and I take into account it's an early version so just a few minor issues =): "I step pass [past] the broken glass" "I run to my mom[,] tears" “Mame [ma'am as in short madam?], what is your name?” The desk clerk asks. "room all bandage[d] up and" "up to[o] badly from" I quite like how it seemed to change perspective near the beginning, and it was at first ambiguous as to who was narrating. The ending was poignant, but I feel that throughout the piece there could be ...