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liquefaction5's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Fort Lauderdale, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 26
LOC: Fort Lauderdale, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 26
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Version 1
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In statues, shapes, And all the documents Of the nation She was forgotten. Left cold in the ocean, Floating, her back to heaven. We had God, Trust, Liberty, But nothing of her sweet face. Our fathers forgot And we are left Vacant bodies, Shells desperately searching For our long-lost Love.
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Version 1
4 Reviews
4 Comments
Well, this is awkward. I try not to notice the fingerprints on her champagne glass as she tells me I’m too neurotic for her. But she’s got it wrong. It’s not that I am a neat person. Hell, I just bought new underwear rather than doing laundry. She just doesn’t get me. Which I suppose is better, considering she is “letting me go.” “I just don’t think its fair to either of us when we know it isn’t going anywhere…” I give her my serious face and breathe, “We wouldn’t want to waste each other’s t...
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i was moved by this haiku. very simple, yes, but very poignant as well. it was sad to me, i didn't have a smile. is that wrong?
I thought this was a very beautiful, illustrative poem. The way the sentences run on like that add to the urgency felt by the speaker.I love it.The last line is perfect!
haha nice. im goin to "click a link in the pink." thats the best. i laughed for the first time today because of that.
i like the bite of this poem, and the general seedy story. i could have done without the middle "A good time… /with no more time." part, i didn't think it added much, and chopped it in a strange way. i loved the "this new life to which you swore / guided by the men you laid." the fact that you used the word guided was brilliant. maybe there is a typo in "Yeah, Ill be the first see the dirt: " should there be a "to" between first and see? anyway, not the deepest poem, but that's ok;it was none...
a very powerful topic.i think the rhyming couplet made it a little too sing-songy, if you know what i mean. i think it could have been more emotionally powerful if there were no rhyme scheme. i thought the best parts were "Daddy, come back. Daddy, please listen” and “Daddy, please help me. Don’t walk away. Tomorrow will be just like today.” i think these two bits added more resonance and gravitas than any other lines. great job, and while i admire your effort on the rhyme scheme, i would have...
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