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lifeasyoureadit's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Waukegan, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 27
LOC: Waukegan, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 27
I’m a junior in high school.
i would delete most of this writing but it takes too long…
i’ve changed a lot
i always do
i love to write and always will
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"you're beautiful, you're enchanting your eyes hold calmness and your presence relaxing, staring at such a flower, femenime beauty not yet worn with the breathing of you, my angel, your life lives on the surface of your skin"
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in an empty room we sank deep closing your eyes as i remembered that chicago summer where we stepped on the hot floor no shoes and our spirits grew i ask "don't you remember?" and how could you forget so i paint the picture for you of flower beds and busy city streets of city sirens, and they served no purpose you lit a candle and sank into a reminiscence and i breathed too loud you fell so deep and in the space between our rememberance and long forgotten is where we died.
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Ventilation Hot air squeezed out of our heads Some lie about being sober Others lie through their teeth We don't know each other anymore It'll take until we all find ourselves We see you standing there and we know you're real You see things, you hear things and damnit you can feel But when you talk we don't know if it's truth We can't touch it or prove it No change in your breath Faith can grow and change, with lies it's still the same We need ventilation When the lies are so obvious They see...
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And I want a man; who will dream, he will dream of me So I will be his, I'll be his starlight Starlight, starlight Please just stay Because you are the path That leads my way And I want a man; and he will live, he'll live for me So I will be his, I'll be his heartbeat My heart! Heartbeat Please just stay Because you are my hearbeat I die when you're away
Version 1
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I smile, while you make all those promises The places we'll go together, do you really believe in it? It's not that I believe, it's that I make you trust that I do When you smile at me it shows so insecure And all the girls are jealous of me that I get to have you? Sweetheart, I'm only fulfilling all that you're insecure about Is it alright that I laugh inside my head when you complain about your ex girlfriend Everything you have with me is better, you say, well of course it is I have no atta...
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Reviews
I think the fact that you refered to another poem gives this a deeper meaning, and explains what you then don't have to. Of course more could be explained in more words, but the fact of the matter is that you said what you needed to in an interesting and creative way. I like it personally. Well done!
This was an interesting take on your "broken heart." I liked the comparison of it to the puzzle, that was very creative. It's a good poem, but is slightly choppy especially with the rhyme flow.
I liked the idea of the poem, as if you're striving for something and just slipping away. It makes me want to hold unto something. What worries me is that the first verse seems to be in a different tense/narrative form than the rest of the poem, maybe you should either make it all consistent or put the rest in quotes to show what you're saying.
It's an interesting story and I appreciated that and the faith as well. Problems I had with the poem was that at some parts it was very metaphorical and other parts very literal, having the verses difer like this makes it seem inconsistent and at times like I am reading a few separate small poems. What I would reccomend is adding more descriptive adjectives, making the lines longer while eliminating lines. Also I felt some of your lines in the verses were repeating the same thing in a new way...
It's really catchy, although the rhyming scheme slightly aggravates me... It reminds me of a Rush song, it's well written and it does remind me of a romantic setting in the city, well done!
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