It is interesting. You say it's a chapter in a book. It's kind of short for a a chapter. The one major thing I find distracting is the timing it seems present tense then out of no where seems to jump to the past. And then back. I'm just not sure if it is a flash back or the current happenings. I think it has lots of potential and could be very well received but it needs to be tightened up grammarically and in the aspects of the time. Examples:The new ceiling fan circle lazily above my head. -...

It's very good. My biggest thing is it is a bit telly. You need to show us the emotions more. It does feel a bit stiff in places the long conversation seems too... umm... unemotional, yeah there is emotion but it's not felt I can't explain it better. I felt like I read a history book kind of dry in places. But I love the plot and the characters are great. I love the story overall it just needs some polishing.

“Or worst people - Or worse people (Typo) She challenged him with her eyes... instead of challenging There are several more typos like these. But the story is progressing well. It gets a bit telly in places but it doesn't seem to distract from the over all flow too much. I look forward to the next installment.

I have several friends that were in VietNam. Your story reminds me of their descriptions of things. You've done a good job over all. You said you didn't want technical stuff so... I think it could have a quicker feel some how. When they go through that stuff it's so fast, they don't have time to think. The detail is great but I don't feel the urgency my friends relayed when they talked about it or when you'd read their letters about it. That is my only real comment, but you've done a great jo...

I like the story line it's really good. But the one thing I noticed that bogged it down in the beginning was sentence structure. Lots of He verb.... She verb .... or Name verb... It made it feel more telly than it was. Your conversation between characters is great, love the feel of that. You tend to have several long sentences together another thing that bogs it in places. When the actions fast no problem but if it slows a little it bogs with long sentences and two or three sentences in one p...

It has a nice plot. But the first act or so is.. well you don't have any of the characters actions.Are you leaving that all up to the actor to decide? I mean you have a picture of it in your head... things Bridget tilts her head to the right as she considers his statement. You did get better about that as you moved on through it but it still felt stiff because it is mostly their words and no actions to show the emotions or any script direction to tell them what emotion to use. If you are writ...

Very interesting. I really like the emotions and the feel overall. But I found myself greatly distracted by the POV jumping. It didn't seem to be set even in a paragraph. Example: Using the term the Missus to refer to the woman whose POV we are in slips us into Regina's pov too. It's a little disorienting. I think with a little work you could easily put it in to a wonderful omni point of view but you may loose some of the emotional tug if you do. Overall great piece the way it is but needs tw...

Okay I have to comment on format in that it made it hard to read in places that's the only thing I'll say about it. The story is good but telly. I like the premise alot. But it feels jumpy in places. Example it the paragraph that starts Six children shared three bedrooms. That is the biggest issue I see it's all telling instead of showing us and letting us get involved in the story. It's interesting and entertaining but it didn't draw me into it the way I like. Using one characters POV in bot...

You start off with a run on sentence. This could be broken into two or more sentences and help the flow alot. Ex: Below, where houses brace their shoulders against the spiral of streets that wind around the small hill on which the village finds itself. They seemed caught between the weight of Chateau Laroque and the stutter of the sporadic, boulder-strewn Dure-Place river, shutters are closed to baffle the height of the sun. - The image is beautiful but it drags on with the long sentcne(s). T...

Yours:The bandage on my arm leaked, and I could feel the blood slowly drip down my arm onto my hand, and off my finger onto the floor where I imagined it traced my bloody Hansel and Gretel progress into the treatment unit. Remarkably, I didn’t feel that much pain. Odder still, for the first time in maybe five years, I felt peaceful—maybe, just this once, maybe even happy. Suggestion: The bandage on my arm leaked. The feel of blood slowly dripped down my arm onto my hand and slipped from my fi...