ldeniseb's profile

Yours:The bandage on my arm leaked, and I could feel the blood slowly drip down my arm onto my hand, and off my finger onto the floor where I imagined it traced my bloody Hansel and Gretel progress into the treatment unit. Remarkably, I didn’t feel that much pain. Odder still, for the first time in maybe five years, I felt peaceful—maybe, just this once, maybe even happy. Suggestion: The bandage on my arm leaked. The feel of blood slowly dripped down my arm onto my hand and slipped from my fi...

You start off with a run on sentence. This could be broken into two or more sentences and help the flow alot. Ex: Below, where houses brace their shoulders against the spiral of streets that wind around the small hill on which the village finds itself. They seemed caught between the weight of Chateau Laroque and the stutter of the sporadic, boulder-strewn Dure-Place river, shutters are closed to baffle the height of the sun. - The image is beautiful but it drags on with the long sentcne(s). T...

Okay I have to comment on format in that it made it hard to read in places that's the only thing I'll say about it. The story is good but telly. I like the premise alot. But it feels jumpy in places. Example it the paragraph that starts Six children shared three bedrooms. That is the biggest issue I see it's all telling instead of showing us and letting us get involved in the story. It's interesting and entertaining but it didn't draw me into it the way I like. Using one characters POV in bot...

Very interesting. I really like the emotions and the feel overall. But I found myself greatly distracted by the POV jumping. It didn't seem to be set even in a paragraph. Example: Using the term the Missus to refer to the woman whose POV we are in slips us into Regina's pov too. It's a little disorienting. I think with a little work you could easily put it in to a wonderful omni point of view but you may loose some of the emotional tug if you do. Overall great piece the way it is but needs tw...