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la_la_landian's profile
AGE:
17
LOC: Miamisburg, OH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 10
LOC: Miamisburg, OH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 10
I’m simply a high school student, looking for some unbiased and experienced help. I’ve been trying to gather up the experience, ability, creativity, and bravery to write complete short stories that I seem to have lost quite some time ago. I may also post some poems. I really appreciate constructive criticism.
Thank you!
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Version 1
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West Virginia is exactly the same as home A strip mall settled in the crook of a river valley That has spread itself around Like the contents of my wallet Like the coffee blooming across the top of my thigh Like Lauren’s laugh And the smoke flying from her face The strip mall has settled itself into my mind And everything he says is overcast with a layer of concrete and cigarettes I keep a lighter on me Just in case I feel the need to burn myself to the ground And so Joseph came around Just t...
Version 1
16 Reviews
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I’m so tired of swinging your direction Telephone static never tasted so sour When it’s not followed by an answer Up on such wires I can’t stop speaking Shaking Swinging from chains looking for answer in the electricity Staring at a you-sized hole in my bed Where I remember the curve of your shoulder touched your neck As you stared back at me And a tiny little island In the iris of your eye Eroded with each passing wave And every word unspoken led to a fissure in your arm Bleeding over the si...
Version 1
3 Reviews
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Dear Laura, Facebook pages are miserable liars. I remember when I first read yours. Under occupation, you had not listed yourself as a waitress, or even the unisex ‘server,’ but rather as an attendant. I thought it was a beautiful word. You told stories about children who chirped like birds and threw fountains of chocolate milk into the air, who lived only on the whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles. You described old men with the eyebrows of Andy Rooney, the mustaches of Wilford Brimley, and ...
Version 1
4 Reviews
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Nick Watson was thirty two, and had assumed he ought to be past these sort of things by now. Waiting and pacing and putting up with it all out of politeness. Spending days dreaming of every way in which he hated her. Delia was pushing lipstick into the corners of her mouth with her fingertips, leaning into the mirror, all breasts and eyelashes and tousled fried white-blonde hair. She winked at herself. Her eye looked like a great black wound. He sighed, pulling his green sweater down over his...
Version 2
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When I stare up it looks like the ceiling is about to fall in on me She has curves like a woman Falling out about those lines that keep her contained Full of holes And chemical lights They hum like angels Around that dusty blue light And the cobwebs fill her up They needed somewhere to stay amongst such strange sterility The stepping is jingling change around in my mind And in my pockets And sends the message "Don't rob me I only keep exact change for a pack of Pall Malls Please don't rob me ...
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Reviews
hmmm. I'm not entirely sure what to say. I absolutely love the thought-fragment nature of it. I'm afraid your use of rhyme leaves me wanting. They seem simplistic and cliche, as if the poem was written simply to rhyme. I like the concept, and I encourage you to perhaps develop it more. But ditch the rhyme, it feels like it's taking the place of something much more grand.
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
Upon first read, the beauty of this poem strikes me. The incorporation of islamic language, names, colloquialisms really contributes to the effect. However, this poem lacks clarity. A more solid view of the characters and their specific actions seems necessary. If this poem is intended to be narrative, you need to incorporate a more structured storyline.
hmmm. Interesting. It reads like it's in yoda-speak, but I feel like you've done it successfully. It's really beautiful. I don't quite have a solid grasp on the character, but it's conjuring up images of Sampson and Jesus, juxtaposed it the modern drug tragedies. I love your repetition of the phrase "I don't know." I love your use of parenthesis in the last bit. I have a feeling this was put into an online translator, or something of the sort. If my hunch is right, not a good idea. Find someo...
the rhyme in the third stanza was awkward, I'd switch that around. other than that, a very cute poem.
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