Kinda interesting. Honestly, it reads more like the novel description on the back of the book. If you could actually go somewhere with this, it could be interesting. As it is it's not much of a story by itself.

Kind of a restatement in the second line of what was said in the first. Maybe a littler defeated too.

Interesting, very spoken word, saul williams-esque. I like the narration and though I can't begin to completly interpret every line, I get the gist of, at least twoard the end, of some type of family history being put on display. All in all, I feel like it flows well without having to be that type of verse that rhymes every other line.

It's a neat fairy tale type story, I didn't really relize where you were going with it till the end, so extra kudos for not being overly obvious (at least to me). The way you layed down the exposition so matter-o-factly almost didn't work for me till I understood the end, but being what it is, I'd say don't change it. The dialogue between yuri and the not-gentleman was a bit unrealistic if they're supposed to be school kids, even if this is a teachers retelling. The only other part that I had...

Let me just say True That But on a more intellectual note, I'm taking this as a recountance of someone who you couldn't/shouldn't be with but yet is still absolutley magnetic to you, pulls you in, wether or not she means to. Hopefully I've got that interpretation reasonably accurate. With that caveat in place, great piece of work. I really feel like your getting some meaning across and though it is something that is probably a common emotional tribulation, it's not this standard "you don't lo...

Flows well and for as much rhyming as you used, I'm guesing you were sticking to a particular meter, it comes off pretty well without sounding cheezy. Also, it's good that the subject matter, while obviously interpersonal relationships are a thouroughly done topic, comes across without to much of a hint of cleshae(sp?).

from a poetic point of view, i like where your coming from, you don't as often see the other side of unrequited love, some points for that. On the other side it's short, really not enough to make a song, at least not without reapeating the chorus ad nauseaum, but with the right instrumentals it could, maybe be pulled off. Lastly, the lyrics speciffcly have a kind of general pop feeling to them, not incredibly profound but thoughtful enough for someone to actually relate to, which is critical ...

Got my attention. So for starters, spelling, and word choice. The spelling was simply a handful of minor errors here and there, maybe a half dozen or so, perhaps a few more. As far as word choice, there are a few instances, more so twoards the opening and directly after the introduction of Brea where the character's name is a bit over used instead of substituting with the appropiate pronoun. "Brea did this. Brea did that. Brea was here. etc" I'm giving an exaggerated example but for clarity's...

Hopefully you were going for a sarcastic humour, because thats what I got out of it. I enjoyed the piece, so you covered the first base of getting and keeping my attention. I liked the flow, it didn't feel choppy in the least and I very much enjoyed the ending. Also, not being female, I found it intriguing to follow along the inner monolouge of a woman going out with a guy for the first time, always thought provoking to see the difference in thought patterns between the two sexes.