kirby's profile

AGE: 28
LOC: Myrtle Beach, SC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 14

I write good.

www.myspace.com/acousticmetalhead

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Version 1

11 Reviews 3 Comments

I know a dead guy on a toilet when I see one and this was, without a doubt, a dead guy on a toilet. While I was standing outside the restroom, doing the pee-pee dance, I do in fact remember wishing all sorts of bereavement and degradation upon this individual, I do even believe I may have uttered “he better be dead in there” under my breath; but in truth, I never wanted him dead, I just wanted him to get out of the bathroom so I could get in. After what seemed like hours of waiting (probably ...

publish as a short story

Short Story - Overall

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Reviews

by Bananafisher

Locked

by Bananafisher

The descriptions are great and carry the piece. I particularly like "He was dragging a rather small suitcase on wheels behind him that kicked and hopped its long away the breaking asphalt of the driveway." Minus the typo of course. The mood is nice and dark but the narrator borders on pretentious. This could be because the narrator is summarizing all the events for me. Be careful. I understand this story is setting up the characters for more later, but I'd like to see more here that you hint ...

by trig

this story doesn't engage me in any way. who is your intended audience? if its for a younger audience then the medicated dreaming is kinda cool in a psychadelic trippy way but inconsiquential besides that. i can't picture this being appealing to an older audience either. think of who you are writing for. "Golden flecks slam dance across my inner vision;" slam dancing as description probably isn't likely to be employed by an elderly narrator. the base of this story seems to be a visitor in a r...

by Miss_G

i need to know more about lianna and steven's relationship. i understand that they are special for each other but how about some insight insofar as why they couldn't be together and the times they spent at the caravan and why they were special. you briefly mention being held down as a reason for not being together, them playing pool and walking on the beach but how about some elaboration on these instances. also, you have some great descriptions, i particularly like lianna's pink sunset at th...

by karmarepairkit

Locked

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