kasperkruse's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Denmark
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 19
LOC: Denmark
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 19
Kasper.
Denmark.
Poetry.
Parenthesis.
Items
Version 2
7 Reviews
2 Comments
POOR MAN'S TELEVISION We lit a fire in the backyard, poor man’s television flickering in the dark. Ada said she wanted to burn the archive of our collapse, so here we are, watching family pictures combust, clothes from the early 90’s, her James Tate collection, my Bruce Springsteen posters. The nametag we bought for him that one summer we got. Everything but the bus tickets crackle before us like ruby secrets on a stranger's tongue.
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
7 Reviews
2 Comments
It came as no surprise when the old tree fell into my lap – it had been tilting for quite some time, as old trees do. Lying there together, the old tree wanted to know about electronics. Electronics, I explained, is what we dub our newfound flock mentality. Then it wanted to know about vomiting. It’s like squalid resin save the sounds. & the thing called affection? Don’t get me started. Then it wanted to know about the axe in my hand.
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
6 Reviews
5 Comments
POOR MAN'S TELEVISION We lit a fire in the backyard, poor man’s television in the backyard. Ada said she wanted to burn the archive of our collapse, so here we are, watching family pictures combust, clothes from the early 90’s, her James Tate collection, my Bruce Springsteen posters. Everything but the bus tickets crackle before us like ruby secrets on the wrong tongue.
Ratings & Rankings
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Reviews
Ha ha! Funneeee... Not really carrying any aesthetic appeal, which any good poem should - I laughed, though, so on that side, it works. But if you want this piece to be appreciated for more than its humouristic elements, you need to work on it, elaborate.
First draft? Wow, I can't wait for the end result, because this one is really great already. I love the in-your-face opening and the humourous blurbs throughout (the cat, the 'both', the lovesongs) Put a gun to my head and ask me for constructive criticism beyond pure praise, I'd tell you to drop the capital letters of each new line. Maybe it's just me, but I think it interferes with the flow of the poem, and that's a pity, cos' this one really flows! Bravo.
A fun piece, I like it. You should pursue this, I think, it could turn out a great poem one day. I suggest that instead of using the alphabet as sentence-starters, you use the title of the novel instead - something like this, maybe: Someone said blah-blah... Could that have been myself talking? And so forth.... R L E T L E T T E R You catch my drift... It's just a suggestion.
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