I just know you are going to get a lot of feedback on the caps, so I wont mention it ok? This reads like a poem! How strange. Each sentence on a seperate line is quite off putting. I'm glad you said you are working on it, as I didnt find any 'horror in it at all! But I guess this was just a lead in. As a snippet of a story, it has potential. It flows quite well, however, it could be expanded somewhat. How did she get the cut on her lip? What were the circumstances of her being there in the fi...

but they were still both feeling cheated. reverse still both. Sounds better. more shock-inducing wackiness did ensue. Delete did and make ensue ensued. I am more serious about this that (than) I’ve ever been.. Unbeknownst - unbeknown would do here the 'st' is redundant. An unusual story, centred around a game. It took me a while to 'get it', but then I didnt read part one. The general conversations between the friends flowed quite well, and I really liked the hook at the end of this chapter, ...

That’s not the cruel part though, my last mission as a R.C officer is (was)to execute my husband, Harlan. To send him out happy, I dress (dressed) to his liking. My dark hair is (was) in a ponytail and I’m wearing (I wore)a green skintight dress that he bought me for Christmas. You mixed up tense here. You began by saying you had to kill your husband as the last task of your job, then zoom into the now of things which didnt make sense. Is this a reflective ending to this piece? You finished b...

Well yes, I see an interesting plot forming here. Nicely written, consise, direct, no errors, delightful. Now I want to know if Bloom is going to be asasinated or voted out! Inter Galacic political unrest or underhanded murder.... Being an old sci-fi fan my curiosity is piqued - next?

First thing I noticed, you have given more description adding color. I once woke up in the middle of the night sketching a picture of me sleeping.” Interesting concept: did he take a sketchbook to bed with him in case he wanted to draw a picture of himself in his dreams?????? I realy wonder what Bean is hankering for in Brazil.Having read this three times so far, he has finally got my attention. I like the improvements so far. It flows really well, it is still Belgian not Belgium as Belgium i...

Hol’venif, Casiti 90 Paqn 3145 I have a question. When you slip into the 'otherworld' and start reflecting n seasons - winter, summer, fall etc. Would in fact, that civilization name the seasons the same as ours here on earth? The planet may be comarable in climate but I am sure the seasonal language would be different. Would you agree? Silandra got up, shrugged on a tunic, (I dont think you shrug on clothing, more like you shrug off clothing but slip clothing on.) I scooted back to the begin...

Well it makes perfect sense. You have set the scene and with that said,it flows well. As a crime thriller, this first chapter is detailed and well presented, it's interesting and held my attention. The dialogue is natural and you give undelying hints as to relationships within the structure of the detectives and FBI. It kind of reminded me of CSI - on the detective side of things. I have read through this twice, it's 100% show and with that I feel like I am getting to know the characters on a...

A historical sea faring novel with a touch romance maybe...delightful change. Written with seafaring knowledge and most of the language is typical of the day. The first thing that grabbed my attenion: Your first sentence is way too long. It would be kinder to your reader if you split it up a bit. If you go through it, there are a couple of 'I need a mental coffee break' sentences! You have certainly captured the essence of the 1800's. Beautifully written, the dialogue flows well, I did partic...

I think you have a good idea here. You need to really look at sentence structure, punctuation, grammar and tense. The first sentence is not understandable. The way it reads is confusing as you imply that her hair swings the lance. The second sentence has mixed tense, knees bent not bending. In a lot of ways it is quite wordy...too many words used to describe things, it could be much better than it is. As a reader I felt the story lacked attention. “Thank-you.; He said to her.”I know you’re co...

A bit doom and gloom for me. I wish you well anyway.