Old Tommy slumped in a battered leather recliner, nursing a serious bout of self-deprecating melancholy. He was very busy hating himself and took the opportunity to punish himself in all of his favorite ways. A large bottle of Mezcal sat nearly drained on his end table. The shriveled body of a gusano lay still in the warm caramel mix. It had so far avoided being swilled. Dirty shot glasses sweated a mixture of booze and melted ice carelessly into the table’s old and very valuable finish. Cig...
At the top of the world, on the sixty-fifth floor of the Taylor Building, surrounded by men older, richer and more powerful than he, David Myers inherited the Earth. “Congratulations, David.” “Thanks, Phil.” “You’re going to be a great CEO, Dave.” “I appreciate your confidence in me, Jerry.” “Call me next week. Let’s have lunch.” “Sure thing, Nick. Should I bring my clubs?” And then he was alone in the boardroom. This was now his room. He felt a swelling sense of pride over the beauty of his...
Paul swirled a cup of stone-cold coffee in hands, wondering if he had waited too long. Maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe everything he did mattered. He’d never held up a coffee shop before. He looked things over again. His table now seemed a little too staged. His newspaper had been scattered, but had he flipped through the pages enough? Aren’t newspapers supposed to look a bit disheveled after you’ve read them? His jacket hung casually from one of the chairs. Was it too warm today to be wearing...
She still had a handsome form, especially for someone her age, though her features long ago had melted and congealed around the edges. That’s how she knew the mirror was a liar. Actually, it was that other woman, no more than a girl really, that convinced her of the truth. She looked over her shoulder, making sure the jackass was still watching her. He was. With deliberate care, she dropped another one of his precious tomes into the weather-beaten cardboard box she’d picked up next to the du...
Jim gasps and lurches forward, crashing head-first into a wall of agony. He gags and sprays blood, from his mouth and his nose, all over himself. The blood is black and thick and sticky, partly congealed all the way down into his throat. He’s in an ambulance. The EMT struggles to hold him down while shouting profanities to the driver up front and orders to a sobbing female voice just out of Jim’s dimming field of vision. He’s surrounded by life support. So many wires and tubes jammed into hi...
I think you have bits and pieces of interesting stories intertwined into a free-form narration, as you mentioned in your notes. I don't think it counts as a story, but I'm not going to comment any further on it. The first two stories are interesting, but I don't find the last one, the one about green beans, that compelling. I'll limit my comments to the first two. The first sentence of the first story has a dash and a comma. You should use the dash to begin and end the interrupting phrase: .....
I think your story was very imaginative and you made a good point to keep the focus on the characters, not losing them to the plot. Good effort. I did keep seeing some compositional points that I wanted to share. I tried to keep them brief. Here they are: “...as they ran across people they recognized.” You begin this sentence with the subject being people. I wouldn’t use the word twice in this sentence. You might try: “...as they ran across others they recognized” “The market had been open fo...
I’m glad I read this story. After I finished reading, I looked up info on Henry the VII, on Google, since I know nothing of him. He gets lost compared to H the V and H the VIII. That’s a good sign for a story. Made me curious. Good work. Here are some small suggestions: “For what could hurt me, I had the truth, and I had God.” Missing question mark. “For what could hurt me? I had the truth..”. “Although I am sure any mark would have sufficed.” Although is unnecessary. Just write as “mole or b...
Good effort-the details of the story have good description. You can see the story unfold accordingly. I am guessing that you are attempting to write sarcastically about the perfect family, being the exact opposite of yours. If I hadn't read your notes, that would not have been clear to me. There needs to be more clues in the story that none of these nice things happen in your experience-I'm not sure how to advise you to do this. Perhaps you could find a way to integrate your notes as a first-...