i think you'd be better off ditching the rhyme. there are clear instances where your rhyme scheme is dictating the images of the poem. for exmple, the "you know?" in the 2nd stanza, the inverted syntax in a few sentences, and some grammar mistakes (the use of "foe" is awkward). also, your meter becomes very awkward at times-- very distracting-- because you are trying to complete your rhyme. so let it go, and just express yourself without restriction. the rhyme here serves no purpose. your ima...

There are some real interesting images in here. But one thing's for sure. Before you put your poem up on urbis, please take the time to go through your work and correct spelling, grammar, etc, if you expect us to revise it carefully. i really like the images of the split sepal and the quivering blade of grass (allusion to crane or whitman?, scuffed boots, and the like. and then there are lines that just seem off to me: "cynic without meaning" -- do you need meaning to become a cynic? (you don...

i think your effort to create rhyme in this piece is holding the poem back. The rhyme is definitely a problem here because it seems to force you into using words that just don't fit, like "prone" and "allure". I wouldn't exactly say that greed in itself is alluring, as your line suggests. you might try to explain that it's not what you meant, but that's how your line reads. there are some other diction issues here. the word "meekly" doesn't fit. i'm not sure anyone would "meekly" do anything ...

The punctuation here bugs me. I loathe ellipses. If you have something more to say or imply, just say it, or else end with a period. I am also not sure why you would use semicolons here. Not only are they used incorrectly, they have no function here in the poem. There are words and phrases that just don't work either. "Sublime" doesn't work since the way you describe the clouds is not sublime-like at all. The clouds are slowly drifting. What's sublime about that? "Invoked lovers" just isn't u...

I feel the last three stanzas were such a let down. But perhaps it works, since the realization that the person is no longer alive is consisten with that. But in contrast to your other stanzas, the last three stanzas just pale in comparison. your first four stanzas are much more lyrical, thoughtful, pensive, even as it describes a potentially, exciting and sensual encounter, albeit a rather tragic daydream. I do feel though that the first four stanzas though, seem to dive into almost a play-b...

I like this alot. You obviously have great command over your language. One thing: I think "voluptuous" is too... say, magnetic? a word here. Just too much focus goes to it. It zoned my attention. This may be attributed to me being male, or what not, but you know, the word seemed to dictate my expectations for the poem. Combined with the title, i immediately thought of people having sex in a motel and being shouted at by their neighbors. honest. Also, i just don't think "voluptuous" works with...

being sufficiently abstract, i'm not sure what you're really intending here. in any case, there seems to be some wordage issues. for example, "singular" means unique, and so "but not the same" doesn't fit. Also, divinely entangled, has no meaning for me whatsoever. I'm adverse to adverbs in general.. because it feels like one is forcing an attribute onto something that does not necessarily work. overall, the piece feels like a description of a chemical reaction. a big bang type of image, wher...

couple of initial notes: "debauches" should be "debaucheries"? the line "success is measured by failure seven times out of ten" is confusing. It reads as "seven times out of ten, success is measured by failure", which is not what you're going for. a clear construct of this would be "failing seven times out of ten is considered success." or something like that.

One thing I enjoyed about this poem was the management of voice. The speaker's voice seems very subdued and resigned, as if almost expecting the inevitable. There are instances where you can clean up your grammar or sentence structures for better flow. For example, the last three lines of the first stanza is a huge run on sentence that is hard to follow. The last three lines of the second stanza would greatly improve if you took out the words "have" (line 4)and "then" (line 5). The use of the...

this would probably reach its full potential as a song. i'd encourage you to find some music to put this to. the title though, has to go, unless it's a name of a person. even then, its significance beyond the general reference to the bird would be lost.