jonny2469's profile
AGE:
32
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 11
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 11
How to become famous on urbis in five easy steps.
Step one: joke on everyone’s story. use it as an opportunity to work on your stand up routine. stomp things into the ground.
Step two: write them really mean emails when they try to refund your reviews cuz you were mean.
Step three: fly off the handle insanely at any criticism of your own work. tell people how dumb they are for not getting it.
Step four: follow bad review givers back to their profile and tear their stuff apart for revenge.
Step five: Get the phone number of a crazy opposite sex writer then piss them off with a review and let the games begin!
Follow these rules closely and fame will be yours. That’ll be fifty dollars.
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
Johny eased to the end of the drive in front of his father’s patio home and parked beside the white Lincoln Towncar. The door already stood propped open by the jamb guide and a small travel bag sat on the porch. He stepped through the doorway and stopped. “Dad?” “Back here son,” his father called. His father leaned back in his lazy boy with his reading glasses balanced at the end of his nose, a tattered bible in one hand and the remote control in the other. &ldq...
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The absolute logical next step in the story - bravo. The ideas are still unique and the dialog believable. Your description flows well, it's simple and concrete. What I liked particularly was mixing up genre's, with the fantasy different-time feel of the characters and the very much modern similes and metaphors. ex. - '"Demock!" The arachnid monster screamed with the volume of a stadium speaker.' Here's a giant evil spider image, here's a modern mechanism image, and even though it might feel ...
The first 11 of the 20 pages of this review were all formatting scribble. Just to let you know. Here's the typo/punctuation error breakdown. 'Everyone, except Winston feared...' there should be a comma after Winston 'I’ll be forced to accept the only changes ...' comma after accept 'Slowly, his tension eased, soothed and sedated by the' no comma after slowly, then either a semi-colon or a conjunction after eased "now he felt comforted and stronger....Winston felt stronger as he sat " not sure...
'He dispatched a swift mental cry for help to her.' awkward. try: to her for help. the way you have it worded sounds like he's mentally cry for help for/to her. 'fleeting supernormal ability' = doubt = normal. sometimes I think: my car won't start, and then it doesn't. I don't know, maybe a more spectacular example of clairvoyance would be better. not like: he knew, before looking, his shoelace was untied. the floor 'issued' a sound? i'm all about original verbs, but.... 'Oscar's heart thumpe...
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