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jonjustjon's profile
AGE:
33
LAST LOGIN: August 22
LAST LOGIN: August 22
29-year-old writer, moved to New York from Columbus, Ohio last year. Currently, I write for a magazine in Manhattan, and for the past 5+ years I’ve made my living as a journalist for various daily and weekly newspapers, magazines, etc. It pays the bills, but my real passion is writing fiction, “creative” non-fiction, short stories, and tomes of what can only be described as misanthropic, self-effacing propaganda.
My goal is to continue growing creatively while meeting others who are interested in the same, to share work with others and open dialogue, discuss, and hopefully encourage others while learning and becoming inspired by their work at the same time.
Some of my favorites: Paul Auster, Russell Banks, Mikhail Bulgakov, Truma…
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Version 1
18 Reviews
2 Comments
The pet store was nearly empty, somewhat of an anomaly for that hour of the day, when we walked down the aisles of fish tanks that separated the rear portion of the store into a half-dozen azure, glass corridors. They had an impressive selection, something I rarely see in pet stores that don’t specialize solely in aquatics: besides the usual feeder-fish, the gouramies and the black mollies and the tetras, they had a larg...
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Reviews
Much better. Now clean up the stlye. Change things like this: "The couple engaged in a heated debate, recalling issues from their past relationship..." to something like: "This exchange soon evolved into a full-fledged argunment, a vitriolic spat fueled by recollections of their previous relationship." Learn how to pace sentences and make sure things are smooth and you'll be good to go.
Funny. The characters need to breath a little more in this, I think. The brothers especially, the don't seem to have any developed character here and it really effects the entire story, what with the whole brother-against-brother theme. Bobbi is more developed as a genuine charater, but is she's supposed to be so quick-witted, how come we never get to see any of it? A little bit on description: Get rid of silly phrases like "Many a foe had been fooled by her beauty" and stuff like that. This ...
I honesty think that if you re-classify this works as poetry then it will get you better results with your criticisms. Meter and such are integral to this, so I think that is the sort of crticism you should look for.
Good, what's going on with the pentamiter? The rhythm is a bit strange and I can't figure it out. It would be cool if you last three lines had the same rhythm as the first three.
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